Invisible *trigger warning*

I've always felt invisible out even when I do speak up..... invisible.....I guess that's why I've hated socialisation and if I do get heard people are blunt, cold with there words and belittle me it makes me wonder what kind of people does my host socialises with...but it's worse when are family ignores me..... I used to be suicidal but I learnt it wasn't worth the pain on my host. but I still get angry when I speak I'm ignored or belittled. I have alot of trouble standing up for myself due to a lot of terrorising kids in school. I feel the old urge to hurt myself again...but I don't I never will again......I CAN'T AND WON'T but I hate being cast aside...I tried but I gave so I isolate myself from everyone then they say I'm an attention seeking loner...I try to speak but no one gives me the time of day nor respects my opinion......I'm just a bit socially awkward...

[quote="spanky_spee"]...but it's worse when are family ignores me..... I used to be suicidal but I learnt it wasn't worth the pain on my host. but I still get angry when I speak I'm ignored or belittled. I have alot of trouble standing up for myself due to a lot of terrorising kids in school. I feel the old urge to hurt myself again...but I don't I never will again......I CAN'T AND WON'T but I hate being cast aside...I tried but I gave so I isolate myself from everyone then they say I'm an attention seeking loner...I try to speak but no one gives me the time of day nor respects my opinion......I'm just a bit socially awkward...

Glad you are not suicidal any more. My system wont let me, but i do still either seriously consider it or feel someone in my ststem is planning to kill herself. I totally get the invisible feeling. IT has only been about the last 4 ish years(i am 49) that i have felt listened to( with exception of a few therapists or when i have been inpatient). But those feelings don't just diseapper. IT doesnt take much at all for me to feel ignored....real and imagined. I am noticing that my family of origin has been validating things i do and say...about any thing. I cant beleive my older siblings actully think what I say is of value...still getting used to that. I feel likt they feel sorry for me and pity mea nd obligated to act like they care a bout me or give a crap. Myhusband has been much more attentive to me as well. Also my outside adult children do too( more becaeu they are out of the teenage phase and are into their 20's now). . Sinvce getting to know my alters better I can access courage to engage in society as long as i have planned ahead of time to be with society. I need breaks. Today was a break. LAst week I had a bunch of days where i ne3eded to be out in society. I couldn t do it and after three days I closed down and have been resting. about 4 days. I cant beleive I am finaly after all these year, not always invisible to the world/family. I am kinda a loner and attention seeking. validation, care,love, respect....I want it all. These I give to those close to me. I dont feel I am manipulative and I still dont alwasy avocate for mysleff. Is it possible that you don't give your self enough credit?I guess it is true that speakin g up for myslef is part of my growth in this areas as is loving myselves. It took a long time and my enviornment did get safer and more validating before i could see I may not be invisible. My paranoia does get the best of me. I jsut felt an urge to reply. I also ramble a dn get sidetracked. So sorry to hear you were terroized , that sounds so scary.I have had a pretty scary hurtful life. Glad you arote about this

spanky_spee wrote:I'm just a bit socially awkward

Hey Grace, that's ok Who isn't sometimes right? It doesn't make you any less of a person than someone how is really good socially. And don't ever let other people tell you what to think of yourself- that's no good.

spanky_spee wrote: I have alot of trouble standing up for myself due to a lot of terrorising kids in school. I feel the old urge to hurt myself again...but I don't I never will again......I CAN'T AND WON'T but I hate being cast aside...

Geez kids can be real pri%ks sometimes! But hey, we are all adults now. And Grace, hurting yourself isn't going to change anything that happened. It'll make it more scarring I imagine. You and I both have DID, and making things better is all about growing bonds and trust with the others. If you are up for doing that, I bet you will start to feel a lot happier.

Thank you Dianezz for your reply and opening up about this painful touchy subject and your honesty touches the core of my dear Grace and will definately help with her understanding and opening up about this subject with the supportive people in are lives and many of us in here!

humptydumpty wrote:Hey Grace, that's ok Who isn't sometimes right? It doesn't make you any less of a person than someone how is really good socially. And don't ever let other people tell you what to think of yourself- that's no good.

so true man!!!!!!!!! from the glorious Chaz

thank you

*song lyrics*

I am
A little bit insecure, a little unconfident
'Cause you don't understand, I do what I can
But sometimes I don't make sense

I am
What you never wanna say, but I've never had a doubt
It's like no matter what I do, I can't convince you
For once just to hear me out

...

Now!
Hear me out now!
You're gonna listen to me,
like it or not
Right now!
Hear me out now!
You're gonna listen to me,
like it or not
Right now!
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~s
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y~

Oh, this thought cmae to me today. Whiel I was growing up adn into young adult hood, I had a HUGE habbit of saying "do you know what i mean" a couple times after i ever spoke anything. I t took years to stop. People told me, it was annoying. BUT,I never felt heard and that was a way to hear if they heard at least my voice if nothing else. And Since then my thing is I repeat things. NOt different parts of me ( though they do in a way). I might say the same sentence two three times in a row or repeat it very soon after. I am still like this and It is so invisible feeling. BUT liek I said it is getting better.
I