Horrible Night *TRIGGER WARNING*

**TRIGGER WARNING:
Mentions of alcohol, sex, conflicts within friends, and self-harming/suicidal thoughts.
Goes into detail about being triggered, violent outbursts, violent alters, and self-loathing thoughts**

Why can we never just have a fun night? Why do we always have to ruin it somehow? Why do I have to ruin everything?

Long story short, we went out to celebrate a friend's birthday last night (this friend will be called R). It was us, R's boyfriend Kai, mutual friend Xin, mutual friend J, mutual friend Lan, and a couple other mutual friends (no names mentioned are their real names). R decided to go bar-hopping as a celebration of her birthday. We went to a couple bars, ended up at a dance club, and everyone was having a good time.
To get right to the point, we'd had a couple drinks, and Kat and Rebel were flirting with everyone as usual. They also ended up kissing/making out with R, Kai, J, and Lan. (For those of you wondering, Mike, the body's boyfriend, was not with us, and he's ok with others like Rebel drunk-kissing people. He's just doesn't want to hear about it, and he's not ok with it going farther than kissing).

Everyone was still having a good time. Then we decided to leave the club and most of us (R, Kai, Lan, and J) went back to Xin's house to continue the party. This is where sh*t gets f*#ked up. In a major way...

Kai usually passes out after partying at Xin's house down in the basement (there's couches and stuff down there, it's like a 2nd living room). So, he went downstairs to go pass out while everyone else stayed upstairs and continued having fun. Rebel usually goes down to say a private good night to Kai before he passes out, so she followed him downstairs. She ended up kissing and flirting with him down there. No one inside had a problem with it because ones like Kat and Rebel can handle situations like these, and can keep to the boundaries and walk away easily. There was a problem this time, though...

Kai asked Rebel if he could go further (specifically, he asked if he could have sex with her. They have had sex in the past, and Kat has had a threesome with Kai and R before, just to help give you a bit of background so all this makes sense. Oh, and keep in mind, Kai and R are bf/gf). Rebel hesitated, knowing that she should and would say "no", but being afraid of causing Kai to be disappointed. Her fear of causing disappointment triggered me out.
Now, I don't handle situations like this well. I'm not like Kat or Rebel. I can't walk away easily. I tend to freeze up and silently comply because I'm either too afraid to say "no" or I feel like I'm supposed to comply (for reasons such as sex stuff is all I'm good for, if guys want me they deserve to have me, things like that). This situation, unfortunately, was no different. I froze, and I was too scared to cause disappointment, so I complied with what Kai wanted (which was sex).
Now, this would not have been that much of a problem had Kai not told R about it (for whatever reason), and if R had not specifically asked Kai to not do anything with us since it was her birthday party. Naturally, this caused problems, especially since everyone was still tipsy at the least (R was still drunk).

R became hysterical very quickly. She screamed at Kai, saying stuff like "How could you", and then came after me. This triggered Kat out to protect me, and she yelled at R, saying that it was not all her fault and that she never meant to cause drama. R would not listen to her, and out of anger, Kat punched the walls and a door. Seeing that she wouldn't listen to Kat, I came out and tried to talk to R, trying to tell her that I was sorry, and that I only do what is asked of me. If it had not been asked of me, I would not have done it. R refused to listen still.
This is where sh*t really starts to hit the fan.

R was refusing to see reason and to listen to anyone (Lan, J, and Xin were all trying to calm her down and talk to her). And then she crossed a line. She called Kat a wh*re. Normally, Kat would've brushed this off, but she was already enraged that the full blame was being put onto us when we weren't the only ones at fault. And since it was a personal attack on Kat, this triggered "Hannibal" out. And I mean fully out. We have never had an experience like this with "Hannibal" before. And he more enraged than Kat was.

"Hannibal" attacked R, attempting to choke her. Xin and Lan had to pull us off of her and physically hold us back. "Hannibal" started roaring, and when I say roaring, I mean literally roaring. It was a deep, almost demonic-sounding voice that we have never heard or used before. He struggling against Lan and Xin, starting at R, while roaring things like "What did you say?! You sl*t! What did you say?!" Meanwhile, Xin recognized who it was and was trying to get "Hannibal's" attention by saying his name so that he could try to calm him down. R ended up crying and apologizing, saying that she didn't mean to say it, and that she never meant to hurt us. Apparently, "Hannibal's" display made her realize that she needed to shut up and listen a bit.

"Hannibal" retreated, and we fell limply to the floor. Cassandra was fronting, and started sobbing, apologizing to R and saying that she never meant to hurt her. She also told R that she didn't know R had asked Kai to not do anything with us, and that if she had known that, we wouldn't have allowed anything to happen. R finally started to believe us and realize that we weren't the only ones at fault here.

To help keep the peace and solidify it, I went back to fronting, although people thought it was Rain at first. (When I reach a stage of apathy after an intense situation, I act a lot like Rain). I managed to get Kai and R talking and listening to each other, and I managed to help Kai and R realize that all 3 of us were at fault here (R had told Kai earlier to make out with Rebel when before she had told him to not do anything at all, so Kai was confused on what R wanted). I helped everyone realize that this was a simple mistake/misunderstanding, and that nothing malicious was meant by it (at first, R thought that Kai did it on purpose because she did something wrong). After saying my apologies and helping to restore peace, I smoked a few bowls and then Kat drove us home. (We were sober from the alcohol by then).



When we got home, Cassie came out, and woke Mike up, saying she was scared and telling him that everyone (meaning all the friends) saw "Hannibal". He asked why, and she informed him that R had called Kat a wh*re. He didn't question it further, and nothing more has been told to him except for the fact that Kat punched the walls/door out of anger. (I think he simply thought that R was being drunk and stupid, which is partially true). Everyone is torn about telling him the rest of what happened. (I think that's my main reason for posting here, I don't really know, I mainly needed to get this all off my chest).

I want to tell Mike. I'm willing to own up to the things I've done/allowed to be done. I do not fear consequences. The only consequence I fear is causing an end to the relationship between Mike and Cassandra.

The others don't want to tell Mike the rest of the story, especially since he was informed of the "most important/main" things that happened, such as "Hannibal" being triggered out, and didn't question anything further. They fear that telling him the rest of what happened will cause more harm than good, especially since there has been previous conflicts with Kai before (back when Kat didn't respect the relationship Mike and Cassandra had), and even more especially since this is the first time we've hung out with this group of friends in a while (so, not exactly a great "comeback" hangout, and it might cause Mike to be uncomfortable with us hanging out with this group of friends ever again). They don't want to hurt Mike, they don't want to cause trust issues, they don't want cause issues between him and this group of friends (since they're all also mutual friends of his), they don't want to have him be uncomfortable with us hanging out with these friends, etc. All they want is to put this incident behind them, learn from it so that they won't make the same mistakes again, and move on. (Which I can completely understand).

I actually agree with them for the most part. The only reason I want to tell Mike is because this is something that I know will affect me for some time, and I don't want to hide anything from him, including reasons that cause me to be depressed, distant, etc. I don't feel as if I absolutely need to tell him right now, but I would tell him if I did feel like I needed to. I'd also respond honestly if he asked any questions about last night. (So far, he hasn't, but then again, we haven't had much time together since this happened. Last night we came home and passed out soon after arriving, and this morning he left early to work on his car).

I know our biggest fear is that this will change everything, and we hate change. That's why most of us choose to keep secrets, because we know that what we say will change everything, and we don't want that. If people were able to actually move on more, and if people would allow things to go back to the way they were without change (or at least without permanent change), then we'd tell people things more often, but it seems that whenever we tell someone something, we only end up making the situation worse, and then it never goes back to the way it was. We hate ruining everything forever, and don't want that...

I guess I'm sorta asking for advice on what to do from here, but mostly I just wanted to get this off of my chest... It's been replaying over and over again in my mind (what parts I can clearly remember due to all the switching), and I needed to do something about it, so I decided to write about it here. I'm surprised it actually worked to make me feel a little better... Guess it can sometimes help to get stuff out of your system by "talking" about it in some way...



I hate myself for this...I hate that I can't handle situations as well as Rebel and Kat can, I hate that I was triggered out, I hate that I f*#ked everything up, and I hate that I caused everything to be ruined. I absolutely hate myself. I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up again... (I know it's not possible, but I can still wish). I wish I could cut, but I promised to try and quit, so I won't (but I wish I could). I wish I could die, but I promised to never attempt suicide again, and I wouldn't because I wouldn't want to take the others with me, but I still wish.

I wish the others could have good times without me f*#king half of them up...


~Luna

-- Sat Dec 01, 2012 6:37 pm --

You didn't ruin anything, Luna. It was not completely your fault. And the first part of the night was still fun, and the others will always have those good memories to look back on and focus on. The night wasn't all bad, and it's the good parts of everything that should be remembered and focused on. Learn from the bad times, let them go, and keep the good times with you. This will all work out and everything will be ok.

~The Hawk

Update: I decided to bite the bullet and tell Mike everything. I don't really want to go into the details, but there was an argument between him and me, and we are still deciding if it is better to end things or not, since I think it is clear we are not ready for a relationship just yet (not because of the relationship terms or the single alters, but because of our triggers and the troubles we have with certain situations. I think we need to get back into therapy before being in a relationship). There is also talk of a host change in order to better fit the system's needs. Everyone's really tired, really uneasy, and most of us are really scared about how all of this is going to turn out. However, no matter what happens, Mike will not be leaving our life, and if the relationship with him does end, it will only end until we are better able to handle being in a relationship and/or when we get back into therapy.

Personally, from how the meetings are going inside, I think there's going to be a host change, and I think the new host is going to be Hawk. Despite not being well known to many of us inside, Hawk's been able to successfully watch over and keep Cassidy in check, and they've also been able to truly co-host with Shay (including helping her to whisper, which is amazing, because we all thought she was mute, but apparently she just doesn't really know/never really understood/learned how exactly to talk). Due to this, and also the fact that Hawk is genderless, ageless, and single right now, the system is thinking that they might fit the system's current needs and situation better, and might be able to handle all the changes with the "new" alters better (it's actually been getting kinda hard for Cassandra, since she was really used to only being aware of 4 alters (it was that way for 4-5 yrs), not 17 or whatever we're up to now). With Hawk being such a "blank slate", being the host would also most likely help them in their discovery of themselves. And with them being single, that would help fit the system's needs better, while still allowing Cassandra, Rain, and Ray to be in a relationship with Mike (he just wouldn't be dating the host anymore, and so the relationship would be a little less serious, which might better fit our needs right now).

I think that's all I wanted to say. I'm tired but couldn't sleep so I got on here, so my thinking process isn't the best right now. But I wanted to give a news update and such.

~Luna

*safe hugs if wanteD*

I'm sorry things have been so difficult lately, Luna. I know it's hard even when you feel or need to put your therapy ahead of a relationship, but in the long run it's the better thing to do. Not only will it help with stabilization (or it has for us) but it will help you to be a better partner. Still not easy though.

I hope that things get better for you soon.

I'm so sorry you had such a rough time, but I do think it was good that you told him about what happened. Keeping a secret in a relationship can sometime be more damaging.

I hope the host change works out for the best!

I take my hat off to you for having the courage to tell Mike. I've contemplated ending things with my partner because I know my problems take up most of my time and I have nothing to offer him. I sometimes think he'd be better off with someone else. Someone who wants the same things and is stable enough to give him what he needs. It's a difficult situation.
I wish you all the best with figuring out your relationship and hope everything works out for you. Sorry you're having such a hard time of it.

I'm so glad to hear that you were able to patch things up with R and Kai and also that you were able to tell Mike, hard as that was. My suggestion, outside perspective, is that if you are interested in things working with Mike then you have to set some boundaries in your own system's behavior....

Thought: If your agreement/boundary with Mike is not to engage in anything beyond kissing..

well..to me it's like a speed limit. Most people put their gas on until the reach it. My son was taught in driver's ed - it is a LIMIT - not a TARGET. If kissing is the limit - don't let it be so easily obtained...If you start off by resisting the urge to engage in kissing...then if it does happen - it's ok...but you'll already have known (when/if it does) that you met your Limit. I hope that makes sense hon. Totally not judging or anything...it's just the idea that prevention of a risky incident is so much easier to deal with then how to get out of it if it progresses...

Hope you didn't feel I was lecturing. It was a good analogy, when I learned it, for me to use in other aspects of my own life.

Thanks all for your replies. I'll admit, I've been avoiding everything, including coming on here, lately. Just staying in my room for the most part. But I figure, I posted this, so I need to check on it at least once in a while, and post news updates if there are any.

So, new updates first:
-Rebel and I have been placed under "house arrest", essentially. Basically what this means is that we're not allowed to be "out" unsupervised, so someone like Hawk, Kat, Marie, or Valera will have to be at least watching us from the background, if not "out" with us. On top of that, neither myself or Rebel is allowed to be around Kai without Mike being there as well.
(I don't think this is very fair to me since it's not my f*#king fault I freeze and can't say no, but whatever. It's not like I ever want anything to happen anyway. But it's not that big of a deal because we rarely hang out with Kai, and when we do, it's usually L.C. (who doesn't freeze like I do anymore), or Cassandra anyway).

-Kat is now able to sense "Hannibal's" presence since he came "out", and our suspicions that he "lives" in "The Darkness" have been confirmed.

-Everyone's pretty sure there's going to be a host change by now, and Cassandra's been fronting less as we slowly begin to change things and adjust to the changes. Hopefully, this will help a lot of things (not just relationship stuff).

HopeIsHere wrote:I'm so glad to hear that you were able to patch things up with R and Kai and also that you were able to tell Mike, hard as that was. My suggestion, outside perspective, is that if you are interested in things working with Mike then you have to set some boundaries in your own system's behavior....

Well, I don't have a problem with this stuff other than freezing, being unable to say "no", and silently complying. I'm actually fairly certain I'm asexual at this point. Nothing sexual interests me and I don't really feel any attraction to guys or girls. If I never had sex (again), that'd be just fine with me.

There are boundaries set, and we were following them, up until I was triggered out and froze (everyone says/agrees this isn't/wasn't my fault, though).
The main problem here is actually Rebel mixed with alcohol and Kat letting her guard down due to trusting Rebel. Rebel's a very impulsive person even when she's sober. Add alcohol to that and she will only live in the present moment- there will be no thoughts of before, no thoughts of later, and certainly no thoughts of consequences for her actions. However, because she was/had been behaving, Kat trusted her enough to let her leash out a little farther (meaning that Kat was letting herself enjoy the partying as well instead of focusing on keeping an eye on Rebel the whole time, which is fine, Kat deserves to enjoy herself too). But because Kat wasn't breathing down Rebel's neck, she didn't see the risk of me being triggered out until it happened, and Kat wasn't "close" enough to help me by then. (I'm not saying anything is Kat's fault though because it's not. I'm just explaining stuff).

The main problem when looking at the bigger picture, though, is that our host is in a relationship with Mike while 14 of us are single. If more of us were in a relationship with/dating Mike, then it makes more sense to have a host who's also in a relationship. But when you have 14 single alters, sorry, 12 single alters (I figure Cassidy and Lynn don't exactly count), it's kinda hard to expect them to be ok with living under relationship rules when they're not in a relationship and don't want to be in one (either in general or with Mike). When most of your system's single, and you're not tied to an SO by marriage or anything, it makes sense to have a host that's single as well so that the majority of the system's needs can be met better.

(And no, none of us felt like you were lecturing us or anything like that. Your advice makes sense, and we agree with it, but it can be hard for others (like Rebel) to remember stuff like that in the moment).



~Luna

I appreciate your reply I've been off board for a bit too... I'm glad you took my comments the way I meant. I did want to clarify I didn't mean to suggest there weren't any boundaries already established..the way you explain it, it makes perfect sense how things happened...

I'm sorry to hear about how you feel compelled (Freeze) that sounds absolutely awful. I'm glad you have a good system - really, you all take care of each other pretty well! Of course there are the bad moments, but every family has those!

It sounds like a lot going on...so I won't ramble ... but thinking about you and glad to see you post.

I dunno what to say other than "thank you", but I didn't want to not say anything, so there ya go..


~Luna