How did you know you had DID?

I knew something was off almost 20 years ago. My memory was so horrible and I had more comfort at home with my voices than I did out in the real world. When I was 19 I went to a therapist who treated my brother almost 10 years earlier. I asked him if it was possible that I had experienced SA because I didn't remember several years of my life, including the several prior to that time. This was during the height of the BS repressed memory war. He told me it was impossible to forget such things, and that my family was never abusive in any way (goes to show what he knew). I believed him, and I also believed that multiple personality disorder (what it was then called) was fake. So I went on with life, until I realized in a class that all the physical symptoms (including memory loss) that I had gone to so many doctors for were all related to trauma. I went to a therapist to get it checked out, and this idiot re-traumatized me. I was in an acute state of horror. That's when everything I had ever experienced (voices, memory loss, possession feelings, screaming in my head, "made behaviors", "made thoughts") became heightened to the nth degree. I thought I was psychotic. I started doing research, and saw that psychosis isn't really all that different (including the history of trauma) except that they can't continue to function. Somebody who is truly psychotic would not experience the things I did and then go to work or school and have it all disappear only to come back as soon as I got back home. Then I moved my research into dissociative disorders and everything clicked. All the stupid fights with my long-term boyfriend over his insistence that I had met people, been places, done things, had conversations, that I swore never happened all suddenly made sense. His constant assertion that I suddenly became different people suddenly was believable. I continue to fight with myself now that everything I experience is all just for show, made-up, DID isn't real, etc. When that gets bad, I find coming here to be the most helpful thing.

I had more explanations for his existence than I can count. Spirit, imaginary friend, angel, past life friend, alien, demon... But after my body fell asleep, and woke up without me, I realized that he was just as real and alive as I am.
Two of my friends recall my body waking up in the middle of the night, and the person who spoke to them was him, not me. They made that very clear. Which means that REM sleep wasn't enough to reset my body back to me.
If I were making him up, pretending or acting, then why was I still him?

I knew in high school that I had DID. I wasn't Diagnosed, but I wrote many times about voices and people telling me how different I would act sometimes. I knew of at least 3 others. Then I forgot all about it.
Last year I lost a pregnancy and I sought therapy. As I started journaling again, DID became a possibility. I still don't fully believe I have DID, but everyone seems to be convinced of it.

Boobsy26, AshenGold, and FracturedSelf, denial and doubt is common with DID. Everyone here has either battled denial, is still battling denial, or has bouts of denial (I know I still deal with bouts of denial, of thinking I'm a liar or a faker or something like that). DID is not an easy thing to understand or believe, much less accept that you have it. Especially since having DID means there was trauma in your life, and if you've blocked out the trauma, it's understandable that you wouldn't have any desire or reason to admit or accept that you experienced trauma because no one wants to experience trauma or have trauma memories. But accepting, admitting, and realizing is the only way to heal.

It also doesn't help that denial and doubt is often a subconscious/reflexive defensive mechanism. It's important to keep in mind that DID systems/alters are "meant" to stay hidden and often want to stay hidden. The whole purpose of DID is to help the host/"main one out" to cope and function while seeming as "normal" and "ok" as possible. If alters are obvious and if the DID is obvious, that doesn't exactly help you to seem as "normal" or "ok" as possible, does it? Not only that, but it's very hard to help alters/systems realize that it's ok to be "found" now, it's ok to not hide, and that things have changed. When you're used to thinking "hidden = safe" for a while, and used to hiding to stay safe, it can be really hard to change that thought process and the "I need to hide" reflex.

It's important and helpful to recognize denial and doubt for what they are- defensive mechanisms meant to keep DID hidden so that you seem as "normal" and "ok" as possible (and believe it, too), because to DID systems/alters, hidden = safe.
It's also important to not let denial or doubt win. You have to fight those thoughts/beliefs in order to heal! You have to shove any and all proof, symptoms, experiences, etc., in your own face and go "look! it is real! it might not feel real or seem real right now but I know it is! there might not be any "proof" right now but I have proof from past stuff right here!" I know doing stuff like that helps me a lot, reminding myself of past experiences and going over DID symptoms and such that I feel/have felt and things like that.

Whatever you do, don't give up on yourself or your alters! You've all made it this far, so you're strong enough to make it through this!


-Cassandra

We never would have guessed it. A T diagnosed us tenish years ago. I still flip flop between denial and belief. I thought conversation liek thoughts and not existing and being made up and fake and not remembering and watching yourself was normal.I cant imagine any other way to be. I was first Diagnoes with ocd and gad, then dissociation a nd bipolar and borderline personality. THen DID and other stuff along the way.

lifelongthing wrote:I have tried making this a lot shorter because we wrote several pages about this with a tiny font.

Thanks, lifelongthing. Sorry it took me ages to respond and appreciate the fact you wrote it all down after I asked. I had some stuff to deal with.

Reading everyone´s stories is really interesting and helpful to me.

You're very welcome. Should you have any questions or anything feel free