Whats happening here

Okay... I am confused and scared..not sure what is happening... I started therapy 1 year ago...one of the focuses has been on my dissociative symptoms..which is what brought me there in the first place... I used to just space out and come to in the middle of conversations..anyway since starting therapy...the diagnosis of DID has come in to my head a few times.. I don't believe I have any other personalities but when I do have conversations with myself and with parts of myself all the time but Ihave always just thought they were parts of me and as far as I was concerned i didn't have any amnesia for any present day stuff.... I do have a poor memory in that sometimes I can't recall things but if I concentrate I can mostly... However something happened that really scared me.. A police man came to my door about 3 mths ago..apparently I had filled up with petrol and not paid..now I was adament it wan't me.. I couldn't recall any of it but the evidence described me perfectly..so I went and paid for the petrol but I still couldn't rememember ever having been to the petrol station...andI would never deliberately not pay... Anyway I put it down to stress and thatI must have been absorbed in something else but then in therapy last week my therapist gave me a weird smile and I thought what is she smiling about then I relised taht I was talking but had no idea what I was talking about or why,... i did the big excel test the MM something and it came up with DID... but I don't believe it...any input would be appreciated

Discovering you have DID can come as a shock. It may be unwanted, and even terrifying at first. But people with DID are strong, and adaptive, and creative in their way of coping, dear. It's going to be all right. We've all had similar experiences, and we've all been confused at some point or another.

When you begin to open up, and accept yourself and your others for who you are, and who they are, you will open communication and begin to understand more of what is happening. Why you lose time, why you're being triggered to fade out of situations, and coming back in without realizing it. In therapy, and alone, in the days, weeks, months to come, you will need to be strong and listen within, to endure the storm to come.

You're among others like yourself now, dear, you can feel safe here. We're here for you.

I agree with Nymph.
It can be a huge shock when you take it all in and it does sound like DID based on what you have said here now and earlier, indeed.

But as Nymph said, we're all here for you and this is a safe and supportive place where you can find people who live with the same things as you and where you can ask question

Okay... I am confused and scared..

Me too! When I learned about DID it explained entirely too much about myself. I was shocked, confused, scared, and a lot of other emotions when I realized I had this. It was also a huge relief to finally know what was wrong with me. All the questions I've always had about myself were answered with this one disorder. I was often in and out of denial about it too.

I used to just space out and come to in the middle of conversations...

I do this a lot, and always have! Before my awareness I assumed it was my depression, add, anxiety, stress, what ever...there was always a stupid reason I could find to tell myself even though I 'knew' that wasn't it. Now, I realize it's not. It probably contributes to it I'm sure...but it's not the reason.

I don't believe I have any other personalities but when I do have conversations with myself and with parts of myself all the time but Ihave always just thought they were parts of me and as far as I was concerned i didn't have any amnesia for any present day stuff....

I felt the same way. I don't have any other personalities...I don't run around telling people a different name, or have huge chunks of time gone. After I really thought about it, I did have other personalities. Not everyone with DID has the amnesia, not everyone blacks out while an alter is 'out'. But, then again, if your blacked out, how do you know? If you lay down to take a nap at 1pm and sleep till 4pm, how do you know an alter wasn't out during those hours while you were 'sleeping'? I'm home alone most of the day, I could lose an hour and not really notice...it would just seem like time went by fast. Those are things I think about lol.

I think I'm mostly co-conscious. Like I'm there, and I feel like me...but I don't feel like 'me'...I feel like someone else. I've always had this, but always blew it off.

The mind chatter...the arguments....again, I thought it was just me. It's been going on my whole life so it seems like most of the arguments are just natural, or almost subconscious like. So, I'm not always aware of it when it's happening. When I was aware of myself referring to me as "you","we", or "us" I just didn't think much of it...I always blew that kind of stuff off as it just being myself.

I do have a poor memory in that sometimes I can't recall things but if I concentrate I can mostly...

When I was younger I used to be like this. I just considered myself having a 'poor memory', but I could usually remember if I really concentrated. The older I get, the worse my memory gets. I think it is related to the stress, bc I think I switch more when I'm stressed out. Even now, if I ask myself repeatedly for something I want to remember, I'll sometimes get an answer. One day I concentrated and asked repeatedly in my mind, "what did I have for lunch?" I heard, "Subway", then I could see myself sitting at the booth eating at Subway lol.

A police man came to my door about 3 mths ago..apparently I had filled up with petrol and not paid..now I was adament it wan't me.. I couldn't recall any of it but the evidence described me perfectly..so I went and paid for the petrol but I still couldn't rememember ever having been to the petrol station...andI would never deliberately not pay... Anyway I put it down to stress and thatI must have been absorbed in something else but then in therapy last week my therapist gave me a weird smile and I thought what is she smiling about then I relised taht I was talking but had no idea what I was talking about or why,... i did the big excel test the MM something and it came up with DID... but I don't believe it...any input would be appreciated

I'm sorry about the police issue, I can imagine how scary and confusing that would be! I have memories where I just don't remember. My friend said I was at her wedding reception, but I just have no recollection of it at all! None. It's frustrating to have proof you've been there, done that, but don't remember.

I think we as hosts would never just not pay, or do anything else we shouldn't. I've done a lot of reading online and read that hosts generally have a 'big conscious' and always typically try to do the right thing. I'm not sure how true that is for others, but it sure is for me!

As for advice...I think you should just do some soul searching. Read about DID and explore yourself. That's what I've been focused on since my awareness. The more I discover, the harder it is to deny, and the more comfortable and accepting I feel about it. It's become less scary and less frustrating for me now, which is the best part for me. With all the proof I have theres no sense in fighting it anymore. It's better for you to work with it now until all hell breaks lose like it did for me and everything all comes out at once full force!

jackabean wrote:Okay... I am confused and scared..not sure what is happening...

Everyone here can totally relate. It sounds to me like you do have DID and you have just begun to become aware of your condition. Deep breaths. You will be okay. In time you may even be far more than okay.

Just consider some of the stories here by the significant others of people who have DID, about how amazing the DID person is, how desirable, how beloved. DID is a vulnerability and a strength, a terrible injury received in childhood and a powerful gift.

Here's a thread that might help you. It's got resource websites on it and other threads about people's experiences with DID including the discovery process, and threads about common questions concerning DID. You can see if symptoms and experiences resonates with you. If they do, (and by the sounds of your post here), you most likely have DDNOS/DID.
http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic100829.html

-KAT