I just don't give a f*#k *TW whatever*

**TW= Trigger Warning apparently. I guess talking about petty crimes (like shoplifting), drug use (like drinking), not caring about stuff, and slight relationship stuff could be triggering**

I just don't give a f*#k.
I don't mind walking the streets and taking public transport.
I don't mind fitting everything I own into one or two bags.
I don't mind being poor. Yeah, it sucks major @$$ sometimes, but I don't let it get to me.
I don't mind hanging around all day somewhere.
I don't mind sh*t.

I don't care that I shoplift and steal. I'm good at it. And it gets me things I can't buy.
I don't care that people look down on me. They don't mean sh*t to me.
I don't care that I like sleeping around when I'm single. Least I'm loyal when I'm actually with a boy.
I don't give a sh*t about what people think of me. They can judge me all they want. They don't know the whole story.

I like being free to not care about anything. I don't want to worry about what's going to happen with a guy at a party, or what's going to happen with a guy I kinda like. I don't want to have to be on my guard or anything if I'm not tied down by my own choice.
I like partying every chance I get. I like drinking cheap alcohol and hiding out in forests and sh*t. I like smoking pot, especially with other people, just chillin' all together. I like rolling f*#king balls on molly (MDMA) half the weekend, especially with chill people. I like tripping f*#king balls on acid/LSD all night with a couple friends, or even a group of buddies. I like that once a year doing some blow just to f*#king do it.
I like hanging out in a group like all the f*#king time. I like sleeping over at houses, crashing different places, being impulsive and spontaneous. I like adventure and good times.
I like doing whatever I want, whenever I want, and not really worrying about sh*t. I like to just go with the flow of things.

I want to go shopping. Shop-PING not shoplifting. If I have the money I don't steal. I'm not that f*#king low.
I want to throw parties for all my buddies. Especially the ones I haven't seen in forever. (Meaning, I want the apartment we're now in to myself).
I want to let friends crash on my futon whenever they need to if they're in the area. I want to have my friends feeling comfortable enough to show up whenever, just to check if I'm up for sh*t (but understanding when I'm f*#king not up for sh*t).
I want to throw house raves at our new place.
I want to be able to chill with random cool people I meet/make a acquaintance of (usually from like friends' parties and stuff like that).

I want to not be couped up in this f*#king room all day. I don't know how these f*#kers can do that.

I want to be able to embody my name. I'm Rebel, and that's exactly what I love to do.

~ReBeL

Hello Rebel,

You seem to have a strong sense of self and what you like and enjoy, which is a good thing. I'm interested to hear what inspired you to speak about this stuff here? Is this in response to what some of the others inside are thinking or saying to you?

I think with the shoplifting and drugs, you should probably try to avoid it if you can because you don't want to get into trouble from it, which you would if you got caught. It seems like you like a lot of things that are legal, so I think if you let go of that other stuff, you would still have plenty of stuff to do...

I agree with Salted; is there any way you can make a deal with the others to have some more time to do your own things, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone or is illegal (as it could get you all in trouble)? Could you get some time to go meet friends? Or hang out with Mikey, if you consider him a friend? Or come on here and find some other people to just hang out and talk to, even if it's over the internet?

It's good that you're posting and letting your feelings be known I hope you all can work something out so you can feel more fulfilled and happy

Hi rebel

Your cool

I like smoking weed too, I've never had LSD though. Ecstasy sounds exciting. M wouldn't let me do it though. You like drugs and trippin? M doesn't want me taking any. I want them to make me feel better and full inside and a bit more complete.

salted lipstick wrote:Hello Rebel,

You seem to have a strong sense of self and what you like and enjoy, which is a good thing. I'm interested to hear what inspired you to speak about this stuff here? Is this in response to what some of the others inside are thinking or saying to you?

I think with the shoplifting and drugs, you should probably try to avoid it if you can because you don't want to get into trouble from it, which you would if you got caught. It seems like you like a lot of things that are legal, so I think if you let go of that other stuff, you would still have plenty of stuff to do...

I got tired of being talked about and having other people speak for me when I don't f*#kin need them to.

Rules are meant to be broken. If you get caught, that means you did somethin stupid, or you wanted to get caught (never did understand THAT one, but then again, I guess if you knew you could win a chase or somethin, I could kinda see the point in that). If I had money, wouldn't hafta shoplift (though I doubt I'd stop altogether. Snagging sh*t here and there is always fun). As for the drugs, please. If I get caught for that I deserve to get caught. It's not like I'm dealin or runnin. THAT'S the job I miss, being a runner. Nothin' big. I never get/got into hard drugs like heroin or any of that f*#king bullsh*t.

lifelongthing wrote:I agree with Salted; is there any way you can make a deal with the others to have some more time to do your own things, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone or is illegal (as it could get you all in trouble)? Could you get some time to go meet friends? Or hang out with Mikey, if you consider him a friend? Or come on here and find some other people to just hang out and talk to, even if it's over the internet?

It's good that you're posting and letting your feelings be known I hope you all can work something out so you can feel more fulfilled and happy

We already have a stupid little "deal". Wasn't much of a deal, though. Just added more rules that I supposedly can't break. I don't get to shoplift (though I still get away with somethin small when I'm able to, like a ring here and there), and I only get to do the drugs we agreed on, which is every f*#kin thing I already listed (which is why the blow is only "once a year". Not sayin' I'd do it every f*#kin day but what kind of limit is once a year?).
I got friends. Do I get to hang with them? Noooo. Least, I don't get to hang with them bein' aware that it's me they're with, and I don't get to be fully out, and I still have a f*#kin babysitter lookin over my shoulder.
Hang with Mikey! HAHAHA! Ah, that's a good one. That nerd's alright when he's not babbling about cars, but usually he's pretty boring.
Eh so far I haven't seen many, if any, peeps that're like me or that'd "approve" of me and sh*t like that. Maybe they're hidin' like I was.

Fightforlife wrote:Hi rebel

Your cool

I like smoking weed too, I've never had LSD though. Ecstasy sounds exciting. M wouldn't let me do it though. You like drugs and trippin? M doesn't want me taking any. I want them to make me feel better and full inside and a bit more complete.

What's up, what's up? Weed's the f*#kin sh*t, ain't it? Recreational AND medicinal uses! No one can get at me for that one because other b*tches in here use it to help with mental sh*t like anxiety or whatever.

LSD is awesome! Gotta respect it, though. People? ###$ 'em. Things? ###$ 'em. Drugs? Gotta respect 'em. Why? 'Cause if you don't respect 'em and if you do 'em for the wrong reasons (like if you don't really wanna do it but you do anyway 'cause someone's tellin' ya to), they can be like "No no no, YOU took ME, so now you're GOING to f*#kin watch this NOW". Ya know what I mean? They'll grab you by your face and be like "You wanted this, you're gonna experience this!" But you do it right? Aww yeeaah, the sh*t's unbelievable.
Make no mistake, Molly ain't X. MDMA is the PURE form of Ecstacy. It was originally made as a relationship counseling drug to help people/couples open up to each other and sh*t. It makes everything seem AMAZING. You feel f*#kin great, you love everyone, you love everything, you open up about sh*t if you wanna be serious, you have raves when you wanna party, it's f*#kin awesome. The main and f*#kin IMPORTANT difference between Molly and Ecstacy is that Ecstacy is cut with sh*t like meth and other chemicals that you don't always know about. Molly is cut with natural sh*t like herbs and roots, like it's usually cut with the sarsaparilla root or vitamin C or somethin' like that. You walk up to someone at a party and say "I want some X", you don't really know what you're gettin'. You walk up to someone and say "I want some Molly", 90% of the time you'll know exactly what you're gettin' (there's always gonna be iffy dealer peeps which is why you wanna buy from a source you trust, not really willy-nilly at a party- least don't make a habit of it).

That's lame bullsh*t how she won't letcha take nothin', but peeps got their reasons I guess (even if I don't understand 'em). At least they letcha smoke weed. If they ever made me stop doin' sh*t, weed is the one thing I'd be like "F*#k you, I ain't never quittin' this". Cuz yeah, the other drugs are f*#kin' awesome, but you know what helps 'em out? Weed. Cuz with Molly, weed helps you slow down a bit and that helps you remember more details of awesomeness (so much sh*t can happen on Molly it can become just an awesome blur at times). And it can help calm you if you start gettin' too excited (like I said, it makes you love everything). And with LSD, weed helps out the startings of the trip (tabs can sometimes cause a bit of nausea but liquid from a dropper/liquid form in general has a smoother "intro" into it). It also helps make sure the trips gonna be good (long as you don't smoke sh*t that makes you paranoid or nothin' like that). So yeah- weed's kinda the sh*t compared to other drugs.

Got a favorite way t' smoke? Bongs are the best by far for gettin' you hiiiiiigh but I love pipes. You can pack 'em with you and I love showin' off and shockin' people with how big of hits I can take. Buddies used to say "Who needs a bong? You take big enough hits from the pipe!" Aww yeeaah, bow t' the master!

~ReBeL

Yeah who taught y'all how to be "the master"? Please. I could smoke circles 'round both of ya. Since when? Since forever. I smoke way more than you and you know it, "cowboy". 'Sides, you prefer drinkin'. Whatever. Alc's the sh*t, bro. Says you. Shut up, D. And puh-leeze, Dal, don't try t' be cute- you're less cute when you try. I'm the one who started smoking in the first place so eat it and beat it! I'll give ya that, but I'm the one who remembered how the ol' man showed us how to make a pipe from a can. And 'fore you got a pipe, that's what y'all used, so eat that! Whatever. Just woulda bought a pipe sooner. Now get offa my sh*t. You're both so ridiculous.

Heya Rebel! There's definitely one like you in here, one that likes drink, drugs, shoplifing, and doesn't give a sh*t. I don't know her name, but she's grinning away reading your post

They sound chill.

~ReBeL

It's cool that you decided to start speaking for yourself here instead of just letting the others talk for you. I hope you decide to stick around and talk a bit more here so that you have some people here who you can just be yourself around. It sucks when your friends you hang out with don't get to fully know it's you. We know what that's like too, it sucks so bad.

You mentioned that you had a deal with some of the others and that it meant that you ended up with a lot more rules you needed to follow. Is there some things that you like doing that perhaps you could negotiate with them about? That way you might have to compromise on a few things that they don't find acceptable, but it might mean that you could spend some more time doing something nice for yourself instead?

I'm still a bit worried about you with the drugs. Not just 'cause of getting caught but also 'cause of the effect it can have on your health. Like, you might be ok with it most times but it's gonna be bad if you get a bad batch one day and end up overdosing or something. I don't want you to get hurt. Also, if one of the others comes out after you've done drugs it might react with them differently and make them get hurt cause of being too strong or something, like if a little came out unexpectedly. It wouldn't be good if anything happened to any of you and you ended up in hospital or something. Sorry to sound like a nanna about it , but I can't let it pass without mentioning. You only need for something to go wrong once for it to be a problem.

Anyway, it sounds like you like the feelings the drugs give you, more than the actual drugs themselves. Have you thought about maybe doing some research on what non-drug related things might give you similar feelings? You could get into some cool $#%^ like extreme sports or something maybe? Make some more friends and do some awesome new stuff?

salted lipstick wrote:It's cool that you decided to start speaking for yourself here instead of just letting the others talk for you. I hope you decide to stick around and talk a bit more here so that you have some people here who you can just be yourself around. It sucks when your friends you hang out with don't get to fully know it's you. We know what that's like too, it sucks so bad.

They get so f*#kin' close sometimes too. The only name the others will usually let me say in public is "Sandra", which is what I hid behind in high school so no one would notice too much, ya know? 'S not bad, it's better than "Cassandra", but 's not my name and without my name, people just assume it's the real "Cassandra" b*tch.

salted lipstick wrote:You mentioned that you had a deal with some of the others and that it meant that you ended up with a lot more rules you needed to follow. Is there some things that you like doing that perhaps you could negotiate with them about? That way you might have to compromise on a few things that they don't find acceptable, but it might mean that you could spend some more time doing something nice for yourself instead?

They can't really find compromises for me and I'm not too good with 'em. Not only cuz I don't like 'em, but cuz I can't really keep my end of the bargain. What can I say, I'm impulsive. Even when I try I end up f*#kin' up somehow, someway to them or to their stupid nerd boy Mike. Like yesterday! F*#kin'-
Ok, usually I spend whatever money I can find cuz I don't ever get to do sh*t and half the time I don't know sh*t cuz my memory gets all f*#ked up- so I think it's mine, ya know?- and stuff like that. So yesterday I found $20 in my pocket. I knew Cassandra was planning to go visit her old T, so I got us there, despite fighting Cassandra the whole way cuz she screwed up public transit twice, missed our stops, starting freaking out 'bout time and sh*t, and I was like "B*tch, calm down and go this way!". So yeah- I spent the money on what it was for, public transit and sh*t. Then I got myself cheap @$$, but new, eyeliner- only one!- and a new lipgloss stick and some smokes (cigarettes). That's f*#kin' IT. I coulda used up the rest- I ended up havin' $5 left over- I coulda bought a new shirt or hoodie, I coulda bought more make up sh*t, I coulda done more with that. But I didn't. And you know what I get for bein' "good" by my usual standards? I get Mr. Uptight Nerd Boy Mike all p*ssed off cuz it was his money that he gave to us "only for transportation". And he wonders why I don't like him. AND THEN cuz nerd boy's p*ssed off, I got Kat gettin' on me about buyin' sh*t I don't need (the makeup stuff) and goin' on about how Mike's money isn't "allowed" to be used for smokes. Its like- get off my f*#kin' back, I didn't know it was nerd boy's money! Whatever. Bunch o' uptight jerks.

salted lipstick wrote:I'm still a bit worried about you with the drugs. Not just 'cause of getting caught but also 'cause of the effect it can have on your health. Like, you might be ok with it most times but it's gonna be bad if you get a bad batch one day and end up overdosing or something. I don't want you to get hurt. Also, if one of the others comes out after you've done drugs it might react with them differently and make them get hurt cause of being too strong or something, like if a little came out unexpectedly. It wouldn't be good if anything happened to any of you and you ended up in hospital or something. Sorry to sound like a nanna about it , but I can't let it pass without mentioning. You only need for something to go wrong once for it to be a problem.

Man, you're the preachy one, ain't ya? I said it before somewhere on here- all the drugs I do the others are fine with. It ain't just me that does sh*t, ya know. I just do it more when I can. And I'm not f*#kin' stupid. Well sometimes I can be, but I learn. I don't get bad batches- I'm not allowed to buy impulsively from other people, only our trusted and known sources that we usually buy from (unless it's weed, and even then I can't just buy from any ol' person. I can't just start smokin' it down either, I gotta make sure it's not laced with anything. And if I think it is after smokin' a bit to judge, I gotta throw it out. Which is lame depending on what it's laced with). I'm not gonna OD- I learned my lesson after takin' too much acid the first time, and takin' it for the wrong reasons (everyone else was doin' it- we did have a safe sober person with us btw). It was nothin' dangerous, just too much of a mind f*#k and it ended up bein' a bit of a bad trip. Since then we've done it right and we've had great f*#kin' trips. And with drugs like blow, I'm not stupid. I'm not about to OD on that sh*t- I can only do it once a year, I have an inside babysitter usually, and only stupid people OD on that sh*t. You set limits and you follow those, ya know? If you can only do two lines, you only do two lines. You don't try to show off and do more or nothin' like that. I don't pop handfuls of Molly at a time- I wait to see where I'm at before I take more or before I decide I'm good. And you can't OD on weed- you only pass out from being so f*#kin' stoned. So, I think I'm ok- I've already learned my lesson, I'm not stupid, I usually have an inside babysitter , usually have good friends to do sh*t with, and everyone's agreed on the drugs I do as being ok to do within the guidelines (like blow being once a year). Yeah, things only need to go wrong once, but they only go wrong if you do sh*t the wrong way.

HAHA littles! The little on my level, on the 2nd level, is a f*#ked up, twisted little 8 yr old wanna-be serial killer who isn't out much. She wouldn't come out on drugs either- least not the ones that matter. Sh*t like LSD kinda "cements" stuff 'round here- like there's no accidental switches or random switches or anything like that, if that makes sense. And weed actually calms that little f*#ker down and makes her less dangerous (she's attacked nerd boy before).
And the 1st level littles get put safely into rooms and are watched over by Rain unless they're allowed to be out- like with Molly or weed, sometimes booze even for Cassie. Cassie LIKES the effects and she plays it cool- obeyin' when she has to and sh*t. She'd never do 'em herself cuz she's not allowed and doesn't know how, but she likes bein' high off weed, she likes rolling on Molly, and she kinda likes bein' tipsy off booze but it depends. She likes acid, too. I heard the favorite sh*t she sees is what she calls her "rainbow fairies". When we listen to music on acid, she'll see little moving blobs/lines o' colors that look like fairies flyin' around to the beats of the music- I heard she loves it.

So yeah- everything I do, the f*#kin' rules have already been set and sh*t. It's all been "approved" by everyone and everything like that.

salted lipstick wrote:Anyway, it sounds like you like the feelings the drugs give you, more than the actual drugs themselves. Have you thought about maybe doing some research on what non-drug related things might give you similar feelings? You could get into some cool $#%^ like extreme sports or something maybe? Make some more friends and do some awesome new stuff?

Naw, it's pretty much a 50/50. I like the effects, and the drugs themselves. 'Sides, nothin' I know can mimic LSD (well shrooms, but I'm lookin' to try those anyway). Or Molly. Or weed. Blow's kinda like a lesser, not as awesome Molly (maybe that's why they made it be only once a year- it's not that special). Booze I like, but if I had to make a choice, I'd rather smoke pot (I think only Valera and Dal are the only ones I know that would rather drink). Besides, pot's healthier for you than booze (yeah, the illegal drug is healthier than the legal one), and a sh*t ton healthier than cigarettes (the only way you can achieve reduced lung capacity through pot is if you smoke a sh*t ton every day for years- like at least 5. And I mean a sh*t ton. If you smoke like a few bowls every day, 's nothing).

Hah, sports. The only sports I was into was marching band and dragon boating. I'm not big on all that physical demand and team-playin' sh*t. I was gettin' into longboarding but then Cassandra f*#ked sh*t up and so I never really got into it like I wanted to.

~ReBeL