Therapists vs the threats inside "Triggers"

Hi everyone,

There is a particular problem that has kept me away for so long. Just can't seem to get through it & so I am asking you all. I want to move through it & come out better on the other side because I like being needed more than I like being needy (& other reasons as well).

This is about the 'Theapist VS the threats from inside'. How do you know what to listen to? I want to listen to my T and usually do (although he would argue this at times... ). We are at a point right now where he wants to bring my aging mother into session so that I can further heal. I want this too, but only bc I don't want her to take the secrets to her grave as did my dad. (She hurt me in all the horrible ways as well.) She is hiding behind her 'Senior' moments saying she just doesn't remember any abuse but she's only 73, not 95 and she is physically fit enough to walk for lengths outside daily. I believe she's bluffing, even though she professes to be a born again Christian.

I understand that therapeutically, her visit is paramount, but I still don't want to share a couch with her, no matter how much my T insists he has my back. Mostly this is bc she would be coming from a different state & would have to fly in & stay with me. So, after each of our 3-2 hr T sessions, I would have to sit in my two seated vehicle & drive with her the 45 minutes back home after confronting her with the cruelest of things that she did to me & made me do to her. I would also then have to feed her & care for her while she stays the week with me. "Are you OK...do you need another blanket for the night?" "Are you hungry?" an so on.

I brought this up to my very supportive church group ladies & they are in support of my T. I'm wondering, how do you all feel? How can I know that I am ready for this?

When I think about this coming to pass, I am on the tipping side of falling into the bottomless pit of RAGE. Extreme RAGE, which is the name of my maternal introject spelled backwards - 'egaR'. That is when I feel the threats. I have expressed to my T that there is more than likely to be more cutting & stabbing (not a big deal, only use the small blade of an exacto) & I have been able to refrain from that for months now. Even S/B, B/P cycles have stopped & I am thinking about restarting that behavior up again just to forget.

So, truthfully, in your experiences with the T pushing you forward on sensitive issues when you didn't feel ready, was it therapeutic or did it backfire?

Much appreciation for any insight you are willing to share...Sotrsab

Sorry, I should mention but forgot...'egaR' & I have had limited communication of any kind (almost none) in the last 25 years.

Personally, I don't know if I'll ever be able to confront my dad with the things he did, and I'm...actually ok with that. Really? Good for you! Now, step down off your pedestal, and let me remind you of the reality of things. Oh, shut up, Kat. As you can see, parts of me would love to confront my dad about the stuff he did. But it's not the end of the world if you don't get to. You can still get closure, it'll just have to be through different methods and might take a bit longer.

How much do you think the confrontation will benefit YOU? What do you hope to get out of confronting your mother? If you're looking for answers and such, and if you think your T can get her to stop denying stuff, I'd go ahead and try it. Your T seems very supportive and helpful to you, and you have a Church group for added support. Remember- you've already survived the worst of your life. And the fact that you're in control now will make this nothing compared to your past. You CAN do this if you truly want to.

If you're only looking for closure through confrontation, or if you think your mother won't answer/admit to anything, thus making this confrontation basically null and void, I'd go ahead and feel free to wait a bit until you feel more ready. Talk to your T about this- get his opinion on what he thinks about your mother's denial and bluffing ('cause I think she is, too). If he thinks it'll still help you despite her still denying stuff, I'd go for it. But I'd also discuss the other issues with your T- like her having to stay with you and such, and talk about how that makes you feel and ask his opinion on whether or not the good would outweigh the bad (I know there's no real way to know for sure until it happens, but you can still make educated guesses).

I had a T make me sit down with my dad one time. It wasn't exactly full confrontation, but it was an explaining of what a lot of his actions, such as his alcoholism, did to me in the sense of how it made me feel and how I perceived things he just forgot about after sleeping it off, stuff like that. I did not want to do it, whatsoever. I didn't feel ready to, I felt scared, and I did not want to be in the same room as my dad while basically telling him "You know how you felt like a failure as a dad? Well, you were right". But, I'm glad I did. It opened his eyes a bit to the effect his actions had on me, and it made him realize that there was a lot of miscommunication, and no communication, between us. Yeah, it made him upset/sad to realize this, and yeah, it caused feelings of guilt He should feel guilty.- *ahem* BUT without that meeting, despite it not being continued and despite it only having the tiniest bit of progress, my dad wouldn't have started giving me space and he definitely wouldn't have started asking me about things like what he did wrong. I'm not saying your mom will react the same way, but whether she does or not, I know it'll feel good to you to get this stuff out and be able to confront her. I know that if my dad had reacted like I thought he would (denying and brushing it off, possibly storming out), I still would've felt like I accomplished something because I was finally honest to him about something. I finally got to say stuff that had been buried and silenced, and that feels relieving no matter what the reaction from the other person.

It's a lot like diving, hard stuff like this. You don't want to do it, you're a bit scared to, you know the water's going to be cold at first, all that stuff- but you just have to take a deep breath and jump. And after you do it, you'll feel accomplished and probably better (maybe not right away, but definitely with time).

As far as RAGE/edgaR goes, I would work on communication with him and make him the focus in therapy. You might want to talk to your therapist about the risks you fear, and about him. Maybe it would be better for you to better communication with this part first, maybe it's ok to work on it afterwards, ask your T. Either way, I would definitely make working on communication and such with him a priority. If you can't communicate, I imagine you don't know much about him. And the less you know, the less you're able to understand, and the less progress you're able to make. (Sorry if I'm repeating stuff that you already know).

And as for the behaviours you turn to in order to forget- don't. You were strong enough to stop them, you're strong enough to not go back to them. You can do this without those coping methods. I know you can. Why? Because you've been able to refrain from them for months. You have the strength to keep refraining, I know you do.
Remember- forgetting is unhealthy in the long run. Don't self-sabotage yourself. I know you'll feel like you want to forget, but in the end, you'll be glad you were able to remember, process, and heal correctly in order to make yourself healthy again.

If nothing else, keep in mind that your therapist is able to make unbiased calls of judgement for what he thinks you're ready for. Insiders will always have doubts, fears, and be biased because, well, it happened to them and they're the ones having the emotions and such. Your therapist is there to help you move forward. Insiders are often afraid of moving forward, and can all too easily keep you from doing so if you let them, and can even move you backwards. (I'm not saying to never trust your insiders, but in situations like this, remember that your therapist has an unbiased, outsider's look at you and the situation while you and your insiders have a biased, personal look at yourselves and the situation).