alters and access to memory of their traumas

I think my alters once held their own memory of the traumas they went through. However, since the host (me) became fully aware of and acknowledged the DID in April of last year, when an alter first "wakes up" or makes themselves known to, that is, when they join our group, no one has any direct access to their own memory, their own past. We can mostly tell what happened to them based on their own triggers, what they're afraid of, what they're not afraid of. But the littles, especially, return frightened, traumatized, and we just look after them as they become less so.

I think this may be the cost of our being co-conscious. My gatekeeper has suggested that I am/was too experienced within the mind, too interested, too aggressive in my inquiry when someone else it out. By June of last year, we noticed that everyone's access to their own memories was just gone. Jonathan, an adult, was able to confirm clearly that his own memories were gone too, unlike it was just a month before.

I know the factors that may have led to a memory lock-down. Flashbacks were happening randomly, at work, and it was extremely destabilizing for me so I know I begged Sphinx for help, to make that stop. He doesn't exactly know how he did it but he knows he was involved and perhaps he overreached? But he's not omniscient and in any case he's not claiming any deep understanding of what happened. He recommended how we should be able to get memory back but it's the slow, slow process of therapy, journaling, etc. He also stated I needed to create a safe space or context for memories to return for processing. His description was very similar to EMDR protocols and I had never even heard of EMDR when he told me this so I tend to trust him on that.

It's a rather bizarre existence to have so many of us living in our head, all with unique, full personalities and differences, but nobody with a backstory, a past, except what we can surmise or piece together or knew a while ago. Occasionally something will pop back but usually nothing. My own memory is also shot. It was never great and I realize now there were great holes where I imagined there was continuity. But my memory was never this bad. I can't remember ever riding a bicycle and I know I did that like any kid in a small town. I think I used to be able to remember that type of thing -- but I can't remember!

Can anyone tell me if your alters, particularly those who are co-conscious with the host or with others, have access to their own memories? Are they fully aware of what happened to them? Can they 'protect' their own memories against intrusion from others?

Some of what you wrote sounds familiar to me. When I first became aware of the others, some of the little ones were very eager to share their memories with me, and things like flashbacks at work started happening. I just wasn't able to handle it, and I was really worried I was not going to be able to work, or even would end up hospitalised, so I asked for it to slow down for a while. I think what happened was, rather than the memories being locked down, some of the little ones were kept away from me, so I don't have nearly as much contact with them as I'd like. I'm not too familiar with how everything works but, as far as I'm aware, they all have their own memories. Some of the emotions attached to those memories are held by others who are 'deeper inside'. They can choose whether or not they share their memories with me, but I think some of them are unable to prevent memories/emotions spilling over to me.

If your alters don't have their memories, do you know where they are? Are you wanting them to have their memories back, without necessarily sharing them with you?

Thanks for sharing that, there are some parallels. It doesn't make any sense to me that these memories aren't held by anyone. Clearly they're somewhere, maybe Sphinx is keeping them. He can answer questions about whether a specific thing happened or not, though not always right away if it's really particular. He is telling me they are not attached to any alter right now. It is as if we all are in a state of massive amnesia.

I don't want the littles to take back any bad memories without sharing them with me and me being unable to burden them. Anything short of that would seem cowardly on my part. There are so many littles in my system. Of course, I realize that we are all just parts of the same mind, so parts of my mind are protecting other parts, but that's what DID is. This is a very confusing condition.

I realize that due to how my DID evolved, we just aren't going to get a lot of adult help. Marc and Aaron are the least experienced, "thinnest" alters. Jonathan is so wracked with guilt and attitude that he has rarely been able to contribute to the level of his abilities. Sphinx is a robot, though a helpful one when called upon, and everyone else is functionally a minor.

I've always felt in the dark too and feel blind, ie, not recollection of the past apart for a few pieces of experience, knowledge, feelings, flashbacks etc. I feel the information is there somewhere, locked up for safe keeping but I don't like my continued state of amnesia. Feels like all we have as a group is the present and take each day as it comes together, but at least we have each other and were making a future a bit because of it.

I agree, the amnesia is disconcerting. Even though you have a young "team" they can still help each other out. I was thinking that since you asked them to pull back the memories and children have a tendency to be absolute in their thinking, if you gave permission to take ownership of the memories again the others might be able to reclaim them. Then you could create a structure for any sharing that needs to happen. Kind of a "story time" in the evening or on a weekend afternoon, whatever you (as a group) feel is most beneficial to the continued functionality of the system. Group therapy in your head, no office overhead, but appointments are encouraged and perhaps refreshments afterwards.

My system has been co-conscious for almost 2 decades now. Each member has control of their own information and the right to share or not share to preserve what they perceive as "the best interests" of the system or themselves. It was a big part of the infrastructure we established so everyone would feel their contributions were accepted and appreciated. That is really important to many of the entities in our group as there is roughly a 50-50 split between adults and non-adults (littles, teens & partials). The only required sharing is where, whoever had, the car keys, (eye glasses, wallet or cell phone) last, put them so they can be found by the next person needing them. It works out pretty well most of the time. We're still trying to figure out a structure for sharing "important" messages like information and instructions from conversations by others with people "outside" so we don't miss appointments or "forget" things we've "been told". Our 5year old loves to talk to the husband but isn't so good about telling his wife things like where and when to meet him for lunch the next day. The devil is in the details they say. They also say, in the details one can see the face of god. I wonder who is right. I also wonder to which god they are referring. (Sorry for the digression.)

It may turn out to be extremely difficult for some of your people to share trauma memories, especially littles. Not only do many of us exist to protect our systems from certain situations and/or specific memories but some abuse events have an overpowering element of "don't tell" and being unable to protect themselves from outside influence, littles simply don't have access to the words necessary to share the information. Sometimes that slops over onto the adults too. I have a 6 year old who, we think, holds the memories of the original trauma. She is the sweetest, saddest little girl you can imagine and she absolutely refuses to share her memories because they terrify her and she feels her sole reason for Being is to protect the group from them. Her distress caused by certain topics is so intense it affects nearly everyone else in the system.

We accept her decision to withold her memories and try to comfort/support her as much as possible. Its hard for some because they think if they only knew what happened they could "fix it." The rest of us choose to go forward without the information on the theory that we cannot change the past so knowing what did or did not happen wouldn't change who we are. It may even impair our ability to function. The more important thing is the choices we make going forward.

I don't know the type of therapy you are pursuing but if you haven't tried art therapy it may be something in which to look. A big sheet of paper, some crayons or markers and something to distract the ones in front may be very helpful to your littles if they need to share but don't know how.

I hope I haven't side tracked your thread or offended in any way.
Thanks letting me share.