New here and new to DDNOS

Hello everyone! I just found this place a while ago, and I've read some of your posts. I've been looking for people who would understand my dissociation disorder, who'd have something in common with me. Usually when somebody knows anything about dissociation, they think it's all about depersonalization or deralization. I do have some friends with different mental health issues and symptoms that are considered dissociation, but I'm the one who's been diagnosed with a dissociation disorder, even though my symptoms aren't that severe and nobody can see them. What I have is sort of always there. I sympathize strongly with people who have DID, but I'm smart enough to know that's not me.

I am one person, and yet not. I'm not many, so what is it? It's as if there's not really a single real person here in my head. I do not suffer from amnesia, and I consider myself to be "Joon" all the time, not anybody else. But I react to all kinds of things and people very strongly, and I've always been told not to take everything so personally. Which is, in itself, kind of hilarious. "Which person?", I might ask. People almost always see the same part of me, the "facade", so they don't understand at all that there might be a little girl hiding there who's the one getting hurt so easily...

I'll try to make this short, since usually I talk too much, and long posts are tiring. But this is me (mental healthwise):

Bipolar II, constant mood swings, every day.

"Mild" OCD, meaning it's almost like a part of my character and mostly just thoughts. I do need my routines though, and my home is my safe place, so I want things to be certain way here. Otherwise I go crackers.

Eating disorder; it's like a shapeshifter, sometimes it's like BED, sometimes more towards anorexia/orthorexia, but never exactly one of those. It is somewhat tied to my bipolar.

Panicking is like an old buddy of mine. Happens all the time, especially when I need to walk out the door.

I can't remember ever sleeping well. I can't fall asleep without meds. I suffer from nightmares and sometimes sleep paralysis.

...And about a six months ago I finally got my dissociative disorder diagnosis. Last week I started therapy with a trauma therapist, and I'm hoping to get help to get out of a vicious cycle of burnouts and breakdowns. I'm 35 years old, and tired of being a failure.

So, I feel I have "several people" in my head, but it's not DID. What I think it is, is structural dissociation of personality. I've read about it, and it fits like a glove. Fragmentation is the key word. It's just that other people don't see it, on the contrary, they think the facade is me, and they have hard time understanding that I'm actually quite crazy.

I suppose that's enough for the time being.

Hi,
I'm very new here, too. You wrote a great intro. I'll welcome you!

I guess when people post about dissociation disorders, most write it under the DID category.
See, I'm not diagnosed yet, but I posted there to introduce myself. I'm pretty sure I'm heading toward DDnos or perhaps it would be considered c-PTSD with dissociative (something) I don't recall. I think that is in the upcoming DSM.

You and I seem to have a few things in common. Most relevant, I do feel like my personality is fragmented. I can't even think of another word that fits well. I also have been diagnosed with BED but before diagnosis I had gone through years of restricting. I never made it to the BMI that is considered officially anorexia nervosa, but I certainly made a hell of an effort! I was thisclose for a long time, so I feel like my first failure is being fat. (I really am now)

I'm not bipolar nor do I have OCD (looks around my apartment), but I used to have panic attacks. Now I'm just anxious.

I got to these boards after taking the DES. I never realized how many of my experiences are or might be related to dissociation. Because I was unaware, I have mentioned some things to my Dr, but not others (like running into people in public who know me and I've never seen them before). It makes me wonder if my Dr already knows.

I'm very eager to have my next appt. I hope these boards are a good place. Responses don't seem to happen quickly. Hope you progress with your trauma specialist. Personally, I have refused to work to "remember". It's like I've sworn I'm never going back.

Take care. Your post wasn't very long, btw.

Thank you for your reply mosaic43! I've been super-busy and dealing with not just my own but a friend's desperation lately, so that's why I haven't written until now. It was really nice to be welcomed!

My eating disorder has never made me lose too much weight. I've always wanted to be in one particular weight, and that's actually quite healthy for me. I'm tall and quite broad-shouldered, so for other people who's battled anorexia or orthorexia that weight would probably sound like a big one. But I see myself as "thin enough" when I get to that weight, but the problem is I just can't stand any more pounds on me. This is partly OCD too, that I'm very obsessive about certain issues. Numbers are one of those. At the moment I'm weighing myself every day and counting calories. It's very frustrating, and at the same time just about the only thing that gives me any kind of feeling of control. Otherwise the world just spins around me.

I started to understand myself really for the first time when I accidentally read something about C-PTSD. I think I could as well have that as my diagnosis, they're so alike with this DDNOS thing. But PTSD is not very much considered here where I live, I've never heard of anyone having that as a diagnosis. And I do know a lot of people with several different mental health issues, as I said before. We also have ICD-10 here, not DSM-IV, so the diagnoses are somewhat different. But as my therapist said (why do I feel like Woody Allen when I use that sentence? ) they're all just theories, and nothing explains everything quite how it is in reality with a certain individual. We're going through the DES at the moment with her, except that a couple of times now I've been so full of anxiety and distress that we've just tried to calm things down. I'm horribly stressed out almost all the time, which is exactly what C-PTSD holds in. Constant vigilante, tense, unable to sleep normally, getting anxious about the littlest things that go wrong. Say, I drop something, and it makes me want to throw around everything I could get into my hands and break stuff, violently. Thank goodness I'm never violent to anyone. Just stuff. And usually I do constrain myself.

I could check out the DID-forum I guess. But, I really don't have any lost time nor do I not recognize people etc. That rules out DID. Sounds like you have at least some of it, because this is what we also discussed with my therapist. That I seem to have connection with different parts on myself, because I always remember everything, even though I feel like a different people in different situations. Must be really tough not knowing everything you're doing. Or somebody is doing, I could say, if it really is DID. Hang in there, a good specialist who understands can make a huge difference.

I have read the DID forum now. But it's just not the place for me to write, at least not now. I'm sorry to say this, but sometimes I wish I had DID. I know, it's horrible to wish for a disorder, but I hate it that this is so... vague.

A while ago I found out that I've been hospitalized when I was about 10 months old, and I was in isolation for almost two weeks. From what my mother told me about how I reacted to it, I can tell for sure that there is the beginning to all this. The root for my dissociation I mean. It made me sad and also angry. I'm not sure why I was isolated, but I have to find out. My therapist said so too, that it might help to understand. Not that it could change anything, what's past is past and this is how I turned out. Of course it took several other traumatizing events along the years, but anyway.

I'm really tired and I'm not sure how my English is right now. But I feel like telling somebody something that happened in therapy today, and there really isn't anybody close to me who'd understand this. (Many people with different mental disorders but not this.) We were discussing the importance of learning to connect my feelings with the words that I speak (I can talk about the most difficult things in my life with complete detachment as if I'm talking about somebody else) and recognize what's happening in my body, and then she asked me how I was feeling when I was talking about the detachment and how sad it makes me. Suddenly I didn't feel much anything in my body, everything was very quiet, which is not common to me. There's always itches or pain or something. And at the same time I felt like laughing. It didn't make any sense, since although we had a good conversation and we both were amused by how alike we think, or same things at the same time (sometimes it feels like telepathy), there was nothing especially fun in it. But I felt it in the muscles of my face, they were "making me" smile and I felt like laughing out loud. Then I realised this all happened in my head, so to speak, that there was nothing happening in my body, and usually when I laugh I feel it in my stomach. So, there was "laughter in my head" and it made my facial muscles contract. I told her I felt like a maniac, wanting to laugh when there was no reason for it. And then she asked if maybe one of my "parts" was present. That was an awesome feeling, when I realized she was absolutely right. And then I told her, that it must be because I've always had the tendency to laugh out loud when somethings funny, I was a happy child in my own way as long as it was possible, and not very "girlie." But at some point someone's made me feel it's not very nice for a girl to laugh like that, and that I should be quieter and whatever, so I must have dissociated that part of myself. I've been ashamed. It makes perfect sense; I tend to get hysterical when laughing, especially with certain friends who are trusted and safe. It gets completely out of control, and I love to laugh from the bottom of my heart. But, in therapy, I didn't let it out, I just smirked and talked about it. It was "somebody else."

I feel like a liar to say things like this. But it's true. There's just nobody I can talk about them without getting detached from these feelings, and then they become something warped, they're not what I want to tell them. It's like the words I speak are different from the thoughts and feelings they try to explain. Something changes, and even if the other person listens and nods, I feel like I haven't been understood anyway. It just that I'm detached from myself so how could I be connected to another person, to really express my feelings? It's not their fault. It's nobody's fault.

Suddenly I feel sad and lonely. When I started to write I wasn't at all like this. Just tired, but not sad. Well, at least I got to "talk" about this. So thanks to whoever may be reading...

Dont worry Joon, with ddnos 1 or DID, pretty much the same thing and heard it would change in the new dsm, it is common to not feel understood. Truthfully, each experience with it is unique. Dissociating is often responsible with not feeling like you are talking about you, that is why we developed it. A defense mechanism. I also feel that we can never be satisfied with what we say because only being a part of ourselves, how can we feel that it is how we feel. I also want to laugh hysterically sometimes but that is always from other parts like my mad scientist, and killer (I call him that because he is cold and embodies most of my rage.) They pop up in the back of my mind and either take control a bit or their feelings pass on to me, either way it is something that a lot of us experience. Just want to let you know that that is completely normal, heh, says someone with DID. Even though those of us with this arent exactly normal, it isnt uncommon. THere are a lot of us here who have gone through the same thing. Feel free to share and just connect with others. hope I helped.

Thank you werewolf! You did help, just by commenting. And it's always so important to hear that other people have similar experiences.

werewolfhk wrote:Just want to let you know that that is completely normal, heh, says someone with DID. Even though those of us with this arent exactly normal, it isnt uncommon.

My therapist said once, when I was in agony over the "warped parts" that I have, that actually many people have that kind of thoughts. And what is common, is "normal."

I haven't been active here, nor anywhere else either, because the summer was so difficult for me. I've been thinking about writing here but never do, because my head just feels slow and awkward, due to depression I think. It's hard to read (so that I also understand what I read) and write (so that I don't have to check and re-check every word.) I think that's a part of this dissociation-thing, that even though I've been told I'm very gifted with languages and writing, some parts of me are just kids and they're not. And, depression makes me stupid.

But I'll try to snap out of it. Easier said than done, but there's no harm in trying.

"It's just that other people don't see it, on the contrary, they think the facade is me, and they have hard time understanding that I'm actually quite crazy."

Wow...that sounds like me/us...
One of my inner peeps said of me "We fill her up like a big empty bag!"

...

Hi joon77,
I feel so much the same. I cannot possibly believe that my main problem is DID and I am eager to learn more about the structural personality/dissociative disorder you spoke of. I too have a very small person still that responds so easily to hurts from others. I remember being so upset as a child when people would not smile back at me and today I still feel it but just have to remind myself it is not me but not real effective.I am 39 with a husband and 2 kids and have been with the sAME therapist now for almost 3 years. Just found this forum and am still struggling to learn how to use it!! In an unfamiliar place after falling apart because my therapist went away for 2 weeks. Worked as a therapist for 15 yrs> and now feeling afraid> Iguess that's all for now too> no clue if u get this let alone putting on a smiley face!! I worked straight out of college at 24 at a clinic that required no computer skills! AHH What brought u here?

Hey! I really relate to everything you are saying!!! Everything! Like I'm reading about myself. Can't write too much right now because I am writing from my phone but I am looking forward to talking to you some more.

Sorry if I'm too happy. I have this side to me and right now I'm glad I've found someone like me. You put it all so eloquently. Lots of information but I don't mind cause it is all real stuff. I'm gonna look up what you posted about what fits you. Can't remember what it's called right now but you wrote it. Anyway. So glad to have read your post. Maybe we can both figure this out together. I introduced myself in the DID forum. AHH :] this is cool. Ok. Talk to you soon.

hylierandom wrote:One of my inner peeps said of me "We fill her up like a big empty bag!"

Sounds a bit scary! ...But you know what, when I started my therapy I would say I don't even have an adult "me" (as in "the actual me".) My therapist have never really agreed with that, and I haven't thought about it that much anymore. But I remember saying that the one who deals with other people IS just a facade, and she said that isn't that a very sad thought? I don't know...

loiseisher*** wrote:Iguess that's all for now too> no clue if u get this let alone putting on a smiley face!! I worked straight out of college at 24 at a clinic that required no computer skills! AHH What brought u here?

If you mean by getting it that whether I understand, I think so. This "thing" creates such chaos, that it's sometimes very hard to explain oneself. I'm sure you'll learn to use the forum. Here's a smiley face!

I actually don't remember how I got here, maybe just googled "dissociation forum." I was amazed just now to realize it was over a year ago that I started writing here. Where the bleep has the year gone?? I read my first and earlier posts and they felt kind of strange, I mean very distant, but still I can't believe it's been a whole year. Time is a strange thing for me, and I'm pretty sure you all agree.

Greencoyote wrote:Sorry if I'm too happy. I have this side to me and right now I'm glad I've found someone like me.

Haha, don't be silly. We all should be more happy, not less. Of course it's a good thing to find alike people. Same for me here... I haven't been to the DID forum for a while but I'll take a peek. I was supposed to write there some time ago but I got distracted by some stuff in my so-called real life (whatever that's supposed to be) and I haven't been much writing at all.

The most recent development in my understanding myself is something very interesting, although this could be a neurological thing. I've known for quite a while that I'm suffering from sleep paralysis, every now and then, but now it seems there could be something more to it. It seems I'm not just feeling paralyzed, but more like I'm seizing. It feels unbelievable that I could have nocturnal seizures, but hey, a couple of years ago if someone had told me I have several people in my head I would have laughed in their face.

Hmm, I wonder if that last sentence is right or not.. Suddenly, in the middle of writing this, I started to feel a shift or something, my English is getting worse at least in my head, and I feel cold and kind of "slow"... I wonder if other people have this? Sort of a freeze? Heart rate slows down like what feels too much, hands get cold, the whole body gets cold and there's numbing all over, hands, feet, face...



"Mr. Freeze, I feel your chill
As I inhale the urge to kill all my emotions
I ask you please, but all you do is make me sneeze
Mr. Freeze"

(K's Choice)