Dissociated in therapy -- Scared of my trauma. Maybe CPTSD?

I'm not sure where to put this, as I don't really know what is going on with me. if this post should go somewhere else you can move it. This also might be *triggering*.

I was diagnosed as Bipolar in April. I just started therapy a month and a half ago. It's my first time in therapy but not my first time dealing with chronic depression. The past 2 sessions I have brought up past trauma and it's opened the door to a lot of painful memories, body memories, and confusion.
These are things I have suppressed for 20 years and they are now coming out.

In my last 2 sessions while talking about molestation I experienced around 12 or 13 years of age... I dissociated. I didn't even realize I did it until my therapist looked concerned and had to bring me back by naming things I could touch in his office. Before I disassociated I felt my chest squeezing and I got light and said "ouch my chest".. then I spaced right out. After the session I was having body memories of the abuse. I was also having sensory memories. I could smell, feel, and see everything. I've been crying for 2 days after this session. I wake up crying, have nightmares I am unable to remember, and can't stop obsessing over this one trauma. It's like I am fixated on it and it makes me feel disgusting.

The session before that we were talking about possible childhood abuse, that I don't remember. I did the same thing only this time I couldn't tell what happened. The therapist told me I was disassociating and I had no idea what was going on.

This really scares me. I have never done this before that I am aware of. I did have a substance problem for many years to help suppress these memories. I couldn't face reality for a long time. The scary thing is there are so many more memories and fragments of memories of assaults (while blacking out from drinking) and childhood molestations. I don't know how to deal with this.

I have a memory of being 14 or so and looking in the mirror and not knowing who was there. I had voices screaming at each other in my mind and I was horrified. I couldn't stop it. I held my head and begged for it to go away. I've never heard it again. Was that maybe some sort of disassociation?
I also remember a dream I had a few years later. In the dream I went to the basement because someone was calling my name. I went into the office in the basement and there was a little girl curled up under the desk calling for me. She was so scared, shaking and cowering. I was so afraid in the dream I ran out of the basement. This dream has stayed with me.

This may be nothing, but to me now... I just feel like everything is so connected. I feel like I am sometimes split down the middle, like in half. I sometimes feel like a child. Like I'm unprotected and unloved and there is so much sadness.

I'm not sure if this is a sign that everything is happening too fast in therapy. In some ways I'm desperate to finally be able to tell someone what happened to me, but I'm so afraid of what I will find and how I will feel about myself. Shame to the core.

Hey -

Come on over to the DID forum. You will get far more views and comments there. But you are not alone. We all experience this stuff too.

Bourbon

I agree with Bourbon, you belong on the DID forum. Don't worry, you are not going crazy. I think you will find a lot of comfort and help on the DID forum.

I myself wonder about the same things. Do I have CPTSD? Do I have DDNOS? Do I have DID?

I know it is scary and I know it is confusing. I think you are doing amazingly well considering all that is coming up for you and all that you are dealing with.

I know this might sound unhelpful, but you don't have to have it all figured out right now. [note to self: take your own advice.] You are getting flooded with a lot, and it will take time to process it and sort it all out. All the memories, the traumas, the diagnosis, it will all get sorted out in time. Right now, I would just try to focus on one thing at a time. Slowing down. Giving your mind and body a chance to process it all. One step at a time.

You are doing great. Just keep on the path you're on. Your therapist sounds quite good, so I would say you're in good hands. I'm also glad you're posting on here.

Brandic

yup sounds like something that happened to me. I suddenly couldnt talk and my vision went black.