DDNOS or DID??? Help

Hi all,

I am pretty new to this forum. I am also pretty new to learning that I am dissociative. So I am looking for some information. So far I have looked on the net and know about the DSMV IV' s definition of DDNOS is but personally I need more info and probably support in handling what is going on for me.

I first discovered I was dissociative in therapy. Actually I do not dissociate in day to day stuff, just in therapy and just when having to feel or recount childhood traumatic experiences. When I dissociate, I feel like I am getting smaller and smaller and that I am being pulled to the back of my head like backwards down a long tunnel. My existence feels like a small dot at the back of my head, everything is fuzzy and far away but I can make out what is being said, just not able to process much of what is said. I can sometimes stop this feeling and will myself to stay present but it takes lots of self talk and energy. I did not understand what was happening to me until a therapist finally asked me how much was I in the room at the moment and I felt caught, and surprised that she could tell I wasn't there. She explained to me what it was that I was doing and it all fit with my experience.

Lately my dissociative episodes have changed. My therapy has ramped up and we are talking about some real disturbing memories that have recently surfaced: childhood sexual abuse. The last few sessions, while trying to talk about abuse issues I dissociate very quickly and do not seem to have control over the experience at all. I feel I will pass out, fall asleep, or ??? just simply cease to exist. It takes all my energy to not pass out and I am pretty messed up for at least a half an hour after. It makes sense though, looking back, I used to pass out as a kid when things were stressful.

I was just remembering a talk session with my therapist. She was trying to get me to express some of the anger I had about the sexual abuse. I was angry for about 20 seconds and then the anger just evaporated (this happens often) and I was numb. While talking about the numbing out I was hiding my mouth from the therapist because I didn't want her to see I was smirking. She noticed and asked why I was hiding behind the blanket and I said because I was smirking. We went into why I was smirking and even though I didn't really know why, a childish part of me said I was proud because I had tricked her. she replied "oh and how do you think you tricked me?" and I was at a loss to explain. I then totally broke down and sobbed that I was sorry, I don't want to trick her, I don't want to be mean. I really like her. And this time too I was not exactly sure who was talking and having these emotions. It was me but none of these words and feelings were coming from my adult brain. I am normally highly composed and stable human being.

I do inner child work so I just put it off to my inner child but thinking back it was more than that, there was a huge inner conflict between parts that were me, but distinct.

I guess I am worried about my dissociation being more than just dissociation but possibly DID. I have no amnesia and am completely unaware of any other personalities other than my odd behavior during counseling sessions.

I would really like to hear from you what the first signs were of DDNOS or DID. Not the DSMVIV signs but what people who have DDNOS feel like, does anyone else relate to this fragmenting of the ego without having distinct personalities? I would especially like to hear from people who do not have periods of amnesia and who relate to what I am saying . Does this make sense if I am DDNOS or does this seem like DID. I want to see if I relate and I cannot find any info on the net except the stuff on full on multiple personalities and loosing long periods of time, which I do not.


Thanks ahead for your support and listening,
Misspelt

I have a mild form of DD-NOS. And, like you, most of the time I don't have trouble big enough to interfere with daily life. In fact, some aspects of my dissociation make me a great person to have around in a crisis. I am actually in grad school studying counseling psychology and hoping to specialize in trauma and crisis counseling. It was highly recommended that all students undergo some type of therapy to experience what it is like. Plus, some of the stuff we talked about in class started some bells ringing in my head. My pastor told me (for the 2nd time) "It is like all of a sudden I look around and wonder where you have gone. Your body is here with us, but somehow you aren't." That did it. I found me a therapist who had some experience with dissociation.

I have a couple different symptoms that have shown up so far. The first is the one my pastor noticed. For me, the feeling is kind of like sinking into the furniture. Once that begins to happen, movement becomes a complete act of willpower. I have noticed that I can tell that I am heading that direction when I start to lose the ability to articulate well. If I don't begin to feel safe (or in control) quickly, things go downhill.

I also am hyper-vigilant. Even as I sink into the couch, I feel like a part of me goes out in front of me to stand guard. I have a lot of self talk in general and even when I am acting "normally" I have my guard. It is like it is standing near my shoulder, watching and advising. Maybe everyone has this and some of us are simply more aware of it. I don't know.

I also tend to separate from my emotions. This is part of what makes me great in a crisis. Only a part of me experiences what is happening, as odd as that sounds.

I am not DID. I don't lose time (ok, so occasionally, I get so caught up in self talk that I don't pay attention to where I am or how I got there, but it is definitely not the same.) I think it would fit better under the label of distractibility rather than truly losing time. And I am me. I don't always like me. I sometimes have internal arguments. But I am me, just a little fragmented.

I don't know if this helps. I am just beginning this journey myself. But here is what I have learned so far. I can function. In fact, I could go through the rest of my life living this way with relatively few negative effects. My brain has given me some great crisis management tools. Now, I just need to learn to live peacefully in a world that doesn't have to be in crisis.

p.s. If it helps, I find that I have a harder time staying "present" and in control when I am tired or hormonal. Knowing that helps me give myself some grace from time to time.

Hello Misspelt

I was just diagnosed with DDNOS and PTSD last week. I too wonder if I have DID, because there seems to be such a fine line between the two sometimes. Time will tell and my therapist is not too much into diagnosis, but she is doing it because I do want to know what it is. Many books seem to have more lenient characteristics for DID than the DSM-IV does. In some terms I do have DID, but so far not in the DSM.

I actually enjoy my alters and miss them if they do not show up often. Maybe that is the science lover in me. They have been trapped for so long and now feel free to come out. That sounds very odd, but its like this huge emotional release after they visit. I don't even mind when they convulse and become hypervigilant, reacting to every little sound. It's like they need to express themselves. Luckily I spend a lot of the day alone. For me they seem to come whenever my mind is without thoughts for a few seconds. They come several times a day and several times a night. Mine so far refuse to speak. Some appear terrified to speak and others are perhaps too young. Perhaps when they do communicate I will be diagnosed with DID. Often they are co-present or co-conscious, but sometimes they are on their own. Sometimes I just feel it in my head - feels numb like I am super drunk - and I know they are there, but I am in control. I am trying the inner child work, but they don't cooperate at all! At least with some my body temperature increases. When in bed I begin to sweat - like a hot flash.

Loosing time is a tricky one. I don't loose hours or days, but I do seem to loose some time. Its hard to tell when you are not there though. Know what I mean? However, people will say I just talked to them and I do not remember it even thought it could have been moments before.

I have spent my whole life ignoring this sort of thing.... never arguing when people say they told me something. I have just always chalked it up to bad memory, day dreaming, bad hearing, being hit on the head too many times or I even thought perhaps it was adult ADHD. I have almost total amnesia of the first 12 years of my life too.

I'm the same. I think I might have DID , but right now I'm NOS. I know I have some child/other people in me but I don't think they're fully formed with names, but they used to come out alot when I was in therapy. I don't really get amnesia, per se.... but like I'll be driving (especially when I was driving home from therapy, on a long distance or after getting into a fight with a family member) and have periods where I had no idea where I had driven to, where I was going, how long I was driving for, etc.

I would have childlike episodes where my voice would change or I would do something suddenly and then not remember it. not really losing time - it would be really brief.

I didn't even know what was going on with me until one of my friends who is full-on DID mentioned to me that he suspected I was somewhere on the dissociative spectrum and I needed to get to a therapist because apparently my anger was getting kinda bad. With me, when I get angry I tend to pass out also. it takes all my energy to speak, even, and then my mouth doesn't want to cooperate and work.

I did have one period when I was a teenager when I had full-on amnesia for a day. I was in a a mall and had no idea who I was, and I remember the experience - I was looking at my driver's license going "who the heck is that? that can't be my name" but thats the only instance I know of where something like that happened.

Other than that I'll have episodes where I'll just kind of "phase out" - like in the grocery store - apparently I was staring at a shelf for a really long time with a blank look on my face.

To me it feels like I'm trying hard not to fall asleep but its kinda weird because I'm not necessarily sleepy. its hard to explain. I'll also feel like I'm sitting in the back of my head, and my body is just a big empty robot or something.

My therapist caught me at a time when it was getting worse and I think distinct personalities were starting to form, so the work I did essentially made me one person (I think? I have no idea LOL)
At least now i'm not as split as I used to be, but certain situations will bring out other people that aren't me, but it annoys me because none of them have names and I can't identify any of them which makes it hard for me to label anything, but I think thats because they're not developed at all. Its just a piece that comes out and goes back in like fluid.

Hi turtlegirl and welcome to the forums. Please feel free to drop by the DID part of the forum and talk there because it's very active there but it is a bit quite in this DDNOS section....

thanks

Also I stand corrected, some other parts do have names, just not all of me knows abut it.
this is confusing, but reading these posts is really helping me figure stuff out better.

Hope it helps Misspelt too!

It sure can be confusing... Glad you feel like you are starting to untangle it a bit by reading here.

Could you tell me in simple terms what DDNOS means?

DDNOS stands for Dissociative Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. Basically, if someone has many symptoms of a dissociative disorder, but does not meet all of the requirements to be diagnosed with a specific dissociative disorder, they are diagnosed with DDNOS.

Hello all.
I'm in a fairly similar position.
I have CPTSD, and didn't even realise I dissociated until my therapist got me to do the test. I just thought it was me being odd/having trauma reactions. She told me I was dissociative, but she couldn't give me any more info except that it will be treated and dealt with when I go on to the next stage (with a more specialised therapist), all she could do was teach me 'coping mechanisms' to help me deal with the next stage of intense, long-term therapy. I was also told that my childhood was not normal, but I don't remember anything much untoward, so am still feeling as though I'm reeling from a huge insult, as my parents did their best in difficult emotional circumstances. And they're still together.

I have a scientific mind, so started reading up using the resources here. Today I wrote down what kind of phases/states I can go into, and surprised myself. There is one state I so want to be in all of the time, but I've lost touch if it's actually the real me or not, or if the trauma irreparably altered me/her. I've had CPTSD that has not been treated/diagnosed properly for 16 years (originally diagnosed with PTSD, but CPTSD hadn't been 'invented' then, in my locality).

I will be very interested to know how others get on. I'm too new to this, and don't understand.

Sorry to everyone, as I feel I've hijacked this thread, somewhat. Misspelt, Mariajae, Tylas, Turtlegirl, I hope you find answers too. This is doing my head in a bit.