uncertainty.

i've been questioning having some sort of DIDNOS. i hold no symptoms such as amnesia, nor blacking out or anything, from what i've seen from stereotypical diagnosis criteria.

i do however suffer from ptsd, depression, and i am also autistic and have AVPD and sometimes severe executive dysfunction.

i believe i have some form of alters-- actually i think i am the alter right now.
but it's fairly co conscious if anything. and sometimes i cannot tell, because some of the personalities blend together, but then also it's just. i don't know, hard to tell. (i'm going back and adding this in right now after typing everything else, and the foggy head feeling i mention later also makes me feel more prominently fronting for some reason, though i can't explain why.)

for awhile now i've had roughly two different types of experiences. one is where i'm in the shower, which is somewhere my pstd memories tend to be the greatest (revolving around emotional/verbal neglect and abuse from my mother, plus body dysphoria for being trans and her lack of acceptance.)

and so every shower i do not know a single time i went without thinking negatively or coming out in a terrible mood from constantly just thinking and over thinking about all of it.

but the only times i found it didn't happen was when i started, well. dissociating, it seemed.

i would almost go into my head and begin to picture this empty counsel room filled with chairs. inside of the room and in the chairs were me, the host, and a few others whom of which have significantly less relevance, but they would simply discuss the happenings in the host's life. the body is more of a vessel and everyone takes part in caring for it, more or less. but the only ones really capable of actually doing goddamn anything are the host, and me, though only occasionally.
i've been simply trying to figure out if i am legitimate, if any of us actually exist, though i don't particularly care for anyone aside from the host, since no one else is strong or prominent enough, they could easily disappear and come and go, some of which have regardless.
my head feels a bit foggy typing this and i have a strange warmish foggy feeling in my head i can't describe right now- but anyway that's beside the point.

if i am real, though i am unsure, i have been trying to find a purpose for existing.
it isn't easy for me to front, because the host has terrible executive dysfunction, overwhelmingly so, that it just becomes a bit ridiculous trying to push past that to even manage accomplishing anything.

when i am actually able to, i manage doing much more, but otherwise, not much.

i believe my purpose is to help him manage moving out and getting somewhere safer and happier.

or take care of him when i'm able to and he never is.

his avpd and executive dysfunction severely prevent him from managing the things he needs to do in order to move out, so if he can't do it, someone still has to, and i assume that's why i exist.

so i would just like to become more prominent, i suppose.

i would be able to do so much more for him if i was even a co-host or something along those lines. but i don't know what will become of me if i manage helping him to move out, because once he finally gets out of this house, i don't know if i'll be needed anymore.

i have never fronted beyond the point of doing what i'm doing right now. i don't interfere with relationships because i know my personality is constrastingly different to his.
i also don't want to draw attention to myself, either. if i am somehow fronting in person or while i'm speaking to someone else, i'll try to put it off as though i'm still him, which isn't hard in person, since it's not as though my voice changes really. (which irritates me though, since it's something that makes me unsure about whether my existence is legitimate. when you hear that voice compared to how you sound in your own head, and you've associated that voice with another person your whole life, it just gets confusing.)


but i just want to know if i am legitimate. or if i'm becoming moreso over time. because it's hard to tell sometimes. sometimes i don't feel as prominent as this, we seem to blur together and it seems more him than me, or maybe he's just pretending to be me at the moment. he used to, since freshmen year of high school (now graduated) sometimes act out as characters from his roleplay alone in his house at times, and often got very /into character/ seeming to feel as though he was said character. it didn't happen as much later on, but then eventually- well. he started doing it again, but in different scenarios. one of the first times i believe i became prominent was when he was walking home from school angry about a friend, and then suddenly it seemed as though i was the one walking home, and the anger was vented through me instead. i'm the 'angry serious one'. but i'm also the more composed one and if he needs to get something done without his fears or emotions blinding him, i think i am the one he wants to go to.

but i'm formed based on one of his roleplay character (As the other less prominent ones are.) , and while it's nice that i have some sense of identity from that, i don't want to completely associate myself with it, i don't necessarily have a name right now either, but i do sort of go off the characters name. but i feel like i'd have to get my own or a similar one if i'd want to feel more legitimate.

i don't know. because of the whole playing pretend thing he used to do, reenacting rp scenes and getting extremely emotionally invested into a character's psyche and emotions,

it's just hard to tell if this is an extreme form of that.

or am i really existing. is that all it takes to count.

i follow someone on twitter with DID, and i went to them for guidance as well, and they did tell me that, if i wasn't legitimate, i probably wouldn't be questioning it so much. questioning how legitimate i am constantly.

apparently, those with avpd have a higher chance of developing DID, which i thought was interesting. and it makes sense. the whole point of avpd is, you know. avoiding. and if he's going to avoiding what he needs to be doing, SOMEONE has to do it.

if i am real, i think my doubts just tie into how unfortunately weak i currently am. it takes a lot of mental effort to get myself fronting and stay fronting, and that's not good when i'm the only one who's capable of getting more done. and then again, we can blur together, i can't tell if he's just pretending to be me, as in the rp character. because he has done that before, and he'll just as easily just tune back out and be himself just like that. it's nothing exactly long term.

but it's easy for him to slip back in despite everything. i can just be turned off. and it makes it seem less real. if i can just be pushed back and not thought of for as long as he wants.

sometimes when i'm in the bathroom i'll be fronting momentarily, but i feel like i'll go away when i look in the mirror. (and this is another reason why i don't like that i'm formed from a roleplay character that looks nothing like the host body, again making me seem less real or legitimate.)

but when i leave the bathroom, there is no solace in my bedroom, nor downstairs.

downstairs, it'd be my mother. i'd have to pretend to be him, anyway. even if i can keep fronting, just pretending makes me feel uncertain and unsure of myself again.

then i go upstairs, back to my bedroom. on my laptop, there's someone i talk to constantly, and i couldn't speak to them as myself. it's his laptop, his inner world really. and it's hard to put myself into that. specifically when i don't want to create a scene. or if he comes back sooner because it's all stimuli for him. something that amuses him, a person who wants to say something to him. i just. i don't know, really.

also, i meant to mention this before, but i suppose i'd be formed out of two reasons.

one, to be the one to do things when he can't because of his avpd and executive dysfunction,
two, to cope with his pstd and negative emotions, because some of my mannerisms i think are similar to his mother. i'm based off his roleplay character that is strict, serious, with severe ocd and anger issues, which is similar to his mother in some aspects. (though the character is much more likable than her, for obvious reasons.)

this is extremely long, forgive me. i just, i guess it'd be nice to know if if anyone shares similar experiences. the person i asked for help before did say mine sounded similar, which was relieving to me, but it's still not enough, i guess.

even if i am real, it won't matter if i don't keep a reason to stay, or have enough energy to stay in general.

Greetings,

The fact that you are questioning your existence must mean you exist. I could read what you wrote, so you are real

Well, it sounds like possible DID. Is the host in therapy? It would be good to introduce yourself or perhaps showing them this post?

This forum isn't very active, so posting in the a Dissociative Identity Disorder forum will get more responses.

Kali

Kaliwings wrote:Greetings,

The fact that you are questioning your existence must mean you exist. I could read what you wrote, so you are real

Well, it sounds like possible DID. Is the host in therapy? It would be good to introduce yourself or perhaps showing them this post?

This forum isn't very active, so posting in the a Dissociative Identity Disorder forum will get more responses.

Kali

he is, although the chances of him going again are slim to none. he hasn't been in quite some time and his mother scarcely brings him regardless. it's possible she may have already ended it by now, too, since it's been nearly a month.

but thank you for this, it made me smile a little. i'll definitely check that out at some point.