DDNOS without amnesia *TW*

Hi everyone,

I've just joined, after obsessively reading through a lot of the posts here!

I know this isn't a site for diagnosis, and I won't take any comments as being such, but I'd appreciate hearing your thoughts on my condition/state of mind.

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I'll start very briefly with the history. There is no abuse, but when I was 11 my mother became diagnosed with clinical depression and was in and out of Mental Hospitals. Early on, when she was out for 6 months of so, she was really bad and she scared me a lot - she had hallucinations, thought she'd killed someone (although we'd been with her the whole day) and kept wanting to overdose so I had to hide her pills from her. At the end of this period she attacked my dad with a knife and was taken away by the police and sent to another Mental Hospital, where she stayed for a couple of years before being released. We didn't let her come home so she lived in a flat in the next town from us and we saw her every weekend.
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This was really traumatic for me - and it was also my formative years, I guess, as that was when puberty hit and I changed schools - and I reacted by withdrawing from my emotions and by setting up a character for myself in my head who I could argue with and fight with yet also talk to and be comforted by. This was in lieu of being able to be angry at my mum (because I was the 'perfect child' and want to appear as though I loved her, when really I hated her because she scared me) and in lieu of having someone to be very close to, as I didn't want to open up to my family [some stupid English feeling of needing to deal with things on your own...]

At the time I thought this character was a demon, because I was Christian, but when I stopped being Christian he continued to be in my mind. He was dangerous and sometimes he would possess me and abuse me physically: when this happened, he would use my body and voice but I would be present in my mind, watching and experiencing everything. We would argue too, sometimes violently: this would be us both taking control of the body as we spoke/moved while the other one was in the mind watching, meaning that the control switched very quickly back and forth. At other times we would simply talk to each other (in the same way we argued) and he would comfort me, and we would make up. It was as though I was in an abusive relationship with myself!

But at no point was there ever any memory loss. I was scared of losing control of myself, and I don't think I would have 'let' him take over fully.

After many many years I sought Therapy and I gradually pushed him away. But he never entirely vanished and, five years later, I'm in the same position. I try to tell myself that he is just a part of my character, a part of me, that I happen to have given a name to, but he still manages to be distinct and sometimes he will talk to me, or I will find myself seeking him out (he was my other half for years, so of course I miss him - especially when something difficult is happening in my life!). Sometimes, when I'm stressed and alone, he will take a more active role by speaking through me and briefly possessing my body (while I am still present). He enjoys the power, and I feel guilty afterwards for talking to him, as if he only takes control because I'm pandering to him and that if I really, really tried then I could stop him.

What do you think? Is this DID(NOS)? He is clearly a distinct Alter, who has been there for such a long time and appeared to help me deal with a traumatic event [and then never fully left, although he is much more absent now], but I don't have amnesia and no one has ever said something to make me think that he has ever taken over my body fully without my knowledge.

I'm not overly bothered by what I have at the minute, but I am worried that this might change at some point and that he may start taking over me fully. Do you think it's possible for an Alter, who has so far been restricted to my mind with me fully conscious, to take over my body completely and for me to start suffering memory loss?

It all depends on the circumstances and what's going on in your life. You have to find out for yourself if you can be blocked. If things have gotten bad then it could happen, but again it all depends on the person. For me my alter could only force control when I was in serious trouble. Then she'd keep things together until I could mentally be present. Besides a few memories I lost a lot time a few years ago because of her taking control.

But as for your alters origin, it sounds like you created a tulpa. As for it being a demon I thought that about my alter too until I realized demons don't try to help people.

As for my opinion on what you have, try not to get hung up on labels too much. When we try too hard to figure it out we just get headaches.

Hi, Sakural!

My name is Greco. I am like your headmate in many ways. I, too, was made up in a time of emotional upheaval. I was there to be a companion and protector but, somewhere in our life, I changed for the worse and started doing evil things to (and through) my host. The thing was that she was not possessed, I was!

See, in our system, the made-up people and the alters can agree to sort of "bond" where they share a form but still have separate minds. I don't know why, but I agreed to bond with an alter, and he's the one who tormented our host all those years. (I don't remember anything that happened during that time, either.)

When my host learned that alters and imaginaries could bond, she finally understood what went wrong with me. She used her imagination to separate the alter and me. Then, ehem, God removed the evil from the persecutor and he's a good guy now.

I don't know if your friend is possessed liked I was, but the red flag for my host was that she could not control me. She learned that anyone a person makes up is completely controlable by the host. With me, she only had so much control and that was because she could not control the alter that was using me.

I don't know what to tell you as far as advice on what to do now that you've read about our experience. I hope you can get your friend back.