DDNOS? Or am I making things up?

Okay. This is gonna be pretty long. I think that I may have alter-like entities, thus DDNOS and not DID. I'm currently diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety, and depression with psychotic features.
I'm a bit worried that this might just be a case of voices inside my head instead of alter-like entities, but I would really like a secondary opinion after reading about my experiences.

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So, to start with, I do have a history of childhood sexual abuse and repeated abandonment. Since, trauma does often take a big role in the development of dissociative symptoms, I felt it was necessary to pre-face with that.

The first time I experienced what could be an alter-like entity was in my eighth grade year of school. It started with violent thoughts of wanting to hurt and/or kill other students, but it never felt scary. The thoughts felt natural, but also as though they were being sourced from elsewhere at the same time.

I've always been very artistic and I never questioned it when I began drawing different characters I made up in my head. But, Lily was a bit different. Instead of being carefully crafted, she just kind of appeared out of nowhere. I immediately was able to describe her as a violent character, and I began to associate her more and more with the violent thoughts I was having. In my mind, I could envision her every movement and mannerism as though she were physically with me.

Sometimes it felt like Lily had "control" over me. But, it wasn't like how it is with alters. Alters are completely separate and you often have no memory of anything they do when you're not co-fronting. With Lily, it was as though we were the same person, but with different qualities about each other. We had our own different likes and dislikes, speech patterns, mannerisms, and all of that stuff, but we were of one consciousness. Whenever Lily was "in control", it felt more like Lily was acting through me. I would talk as though I were her and my mannerisms would mirror hers. It was like involuntarily mirroring her personality. I, of course, never acted on her violence, but I would often find myself feeling guilty for saying something that she had said in my mind, because she was often quite rude.

Lily disappeared for a long time; maybe a year or so? The violent thoughts did eventually come back, and so did Lily. But, in the following months of her return, so did some other feelings. They were like her, but less complete. They didn't have names or faces, but I did find myself often acting in different ways that were completely out of character for me. I have no idea what happened to those, but eventually different ones appeared, but more complete this time, like Lily.

The others didn't appear until after I had done some digging trying to figure out just what Lily was. I feel like it's possible my mind just made them up because of my research into dissociative disorders, but I like to believe that they're genuine, since Lily appeared long before I knew about any of this.

I've cycled between more than thirty different entities that I could count. They've all come and gone randomly, and even Lily is nowhere in sight anymore. They've all seemed to have vanished after I started taking my medication, which includes anti-depressants and anti-psychotics. Sometimes I think that I feel a presence, but I'm not really sure. This wouldn't be the first time that they've disappeared like this, though.

I'm just very lost and confused, and worried that this could all be in my head. I do very much miss the company of them, though I have had quite a few that were violent and would rather see me dead. But, there have also been many very kind ones that I miss and wish I could have around again.

I really could use some outside opinions on if this could be dissociative-linked, psychotic-linked, or maybe something I just kind of made up in my mind. I haven't really seen anyone talk about an experience quite like mine, so it's hard to feel valid.

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On a side note, I've talked about this with a doctor, but not in complete detail, because they didn't take me very seriously. I currently don't have health insurance, but once I do, I plan to change doctors so that I can find one that will talk to me about this.

This is 100% how I experience it. And I also feel like I don't have DID but more so relate to having DDNOS, but have not been diagnosed with either. That's how it is for me too! Yeah it's like these other aspects or entities take over yet they act through me. I have written extensively about this and I'm having a pretty good headache right now so please feel free to message me as I would very much like to talk to you about this. You're definitely not alone.

Also, this forum isn't exactly very active. Feel free to come to the DID section. It's a lot more active there and you will definitely be welcomed and understood.

Nobody can make a diagnosis here...so let's start with that. I've been diagnosed with DID for about 25 years. I didn't read anything that sounds like dissociation...not really. Anti psychotic meds wouldn't make alters/fragments go away. It seems the DID/dissociation forums often have posts from people diagnosed with other psychotic disorders as people seek out other explanations for hearing voices, etc..

Having Alters and dissociation is really very different than what you describe. We don't usually like to state what these differences are, so you can't "adopt" these when speaking with a
Professional. Your diagnosis made by a Professional is probably more accurate than what you want to accept.

All the best to you,

Kali

I can't say for sure, but I can tell you how it is for me...

Dr.'s have had a hard time diagnosing me... I just seems to me I have DID ever since I discovered my 15 alters (plus 4 more now). But I had to keep reading and researching since "some" of my symptoms don't seem to match what the books say...

When I started reading about "covert DID/MPD" it totally described me... I also understood the definition for "frontjumbled" the instant I read it. Now that I've had more time to decipher the weird memory lapses and different "states" I finally realized what is going on.

All of my alters are co-present with me every day (but not co-conscious). But it turns out that my "system" puts one alter at a time in the "passenger seat" (so to speak) along with me throughout the day. They each get 1 hour, starting with 1st alter at 1am, 2nd alter at 2am, and so on throughout the day, then starting over at 1 am the next day (during the extra hours they are equally present with me).

When an alter is "close" or "in the front seat" with me, it's as if my consciousness sort of "blends" with their very separate consciousness during that time.

Triggers, however, can cause any alter to be "close" with me at anytime, for any length of time... and often this means several alters are close with me at the same time, with extremely strong and sometimes even opposing emotions.

I suppose it all amounts to this: DID gets misdiagnosed as DDNOS all the time just because the alters don't come "out" and take over the body "Overtly." If they stay "Covert" and hidden, like they were designed to do in the first place, that does not mean it isn't DID. But many, many, many doc's won't know this. There is a serious lack in practitioners educated in DID because of the over-repeated mistruths; 1, that "some doctors don't 'believe' in DID..." therefore many of them don't learn or research this disorder to avoid persecution from colleagues, and 2, that DID is so "rare" they will never have to worry about it anyway.

To read more about the differences between Overt vs. Covert DID vs. DDNOS, start by reading here (starts on page 424; you can scroll up to pg. 406 afterwards for more pages of info...):
https://books.google.com/books?id=aEuTA ... PD&f=false

I find it frustrating myself. Our medical professionals are so uneducated about DID, it ends up falling on us to read, research, and figure it out for ourselves. I'm afraid I now know more than my therapist and prescriber do.