OSDD, or making it up?

I guess I went very straightforward with the title. However, first, of all, the trigger warnings:

TW: abuse, incest, bullying, slurs (jsut in case?)

I apologise for this being long beforehand (and thanks for reading!)

I have current access to a therapist, but she doesn't believe in diagnoses, and I think that's ok, she's really good and helping me with a lot of stuff. But I kind of feel fake. I'll describe in a moment what's going on. I know you can't give diagnosis and I'm ok with it, I'm probably just seeking validation and someone with similar experiences / realities than mine !

I'll start by the beginning though. I was always a very socially-awkward child. I was bullied at school at least since I was 5 (I think earlier, too, but I don't have many memories from there). I got humiliated in front of everyone as some girls took my pants off several times. I was -afraid- because people would laugh at me, call me names, call me the 'crazy imaginary friends girl' ; I thought every single kid that wouldn't play with me was potentially a bully or literally hated me. So I basically saw the world through a fog, hiding, wanting no one to notice me, and I liked anime and cartoons so I would roleplay with my very few friends and I would always be a boy instead of a girl. (That, because later I realised I was trans)

Around the age of 11~12 I got my first PC and my friends were only online. I was always extremely irritable and rude so IDK how they liked me. Around my 16s I learned to be kinder and that not everyone wanted to laugh at me, but that I didn't know how to differentiate between laughing friendly joking, and laughing at someone, and I was conditioned by fear.

All those years I was also afraid of my mother. I had enough with all the bullying, which I felt REALLY intense, but my mother didn't help at all either. She was -scary-, she never hit me or did anything physical, but she got extremely mad, she had mood swings I couldn't understand, she would shout at me and make me cry and tell me crying would make it worse, etc... I was terrified of her because since I was very little she would get mad very intensely. I guess I can't put it into words to show how afraid of her I was. I would say I -hate- her way too much more than any other teen.

Now, I don't quite remember much from those years. I remember certain scenes of bullying AND a scene of abuse, but I can't tell at what age they were. Any of them. Not even an approximate age. I know which were at elementary school and which not, except of the abuse one.

------------TW: abuse, incest--------------------- (i'm not graphically describing)

This was at my grandma's home, my cousin, who was at least 3 years older than me, was sleeping at the same bed than me and my little cousin (she is littler than me so if he was 3 years older than me, he was at least 6 years older than her)

So, all I recall is feeling a weird thing near my leg and being terrified, crying, and calling my grandma, she was really mad and took him out the room, and I felt guilty because 'what if it was just the blanket'

My mother once told me that wasn't what happened, that it could have happened more, that he told me to touch it, and that he could have even done things with his sister. She told me it was my dad who talked with him.

I asked my dad and he told me I just went to tell him he had said something sexual-like and he went to talk with him, but I never told him that I felt any weird thing near me or he asked me to touch him.

So I have three complete different versions and I don't know which to trust. I thought it happened just only one time, but now I'm started to think it could have happened more than once. I didn't use to see him often, too. I recall being afraid of him and his brother (he had an older brother who I still see sometimes but I don't have bad memories of him except that feeling).

-----------End of abuse TW--------------

Alters stuff starts here

At age 16, just when I realised not everyone just hated me, I had a really nice friends group that helped me escape my isolation bubble. Now, more or less at that age too, I had two alters by then. I don't recall if I ever had alters before, but, maybe?
Well. They were Y and A, they together felt like they were me somehow. Y was more like me, afraid, socially awkward, full of hate and rage, a mysanthrope somehow. A was all I wanted to be. Confident, social, outgoing. They talked a lot between them. They had a physical image in my mind and every time I had a problem they would give their own point of view.

Apparently two of my friends would recognise when Akio was out. They would say 'stop being A!' because apparently they didn't like him that much? or something. I wouldn't tell them I wasn't A, because it was actually him, not me. Once they thought I was him and then yes I said 'I am not A right now, I'm Y'

So, we had a sense of identity. I was kind of Y, while at the same time I wasn't. I just knew I wasn't A.

They both disappeared for a couple years.

Now, last year was...really weird and difficult. I went back to my isolation because no one in my class was friendly to me. I had no friends at class and two girls started bullying me and, I didn't want to get back there. When that year was gone, I was terrified that this school year (which I'm about to end soon) would be the same... and then, alters came back. None of then were Y or A.

A came back after 3 other alters appeared, though. But it has been so...fast. We are 12 now. I didn't know what a system was until this year, that I met some systems. I didn't realise the whole Y and A thing was a system, too.

The thing is that sometimes I feel fake. I, the core/host, am out most of the time, and I am 99% of the time aware of what happens. I just "hear" them commenting on stuff on my mind, and sometimes they switch fronts, but it doesn't last long, I have no loss of memory whatsoever. Many of them have taken the identity of fictional characters, and they even have 'memories' of their story, not canon memories, but like, alternate memories. They're not -my- memories though.

They aren't usually out when we have to interact with IRL people, they're out when I'm alone, or walking in the street, or texting to friends (some friends know them).

Now, I sometimes feel like I'm making it all up. Some of them feel fake, too, not many of them though. But some others are very aware of their identity and they -know- they're not fake. Still I do feel like i'm faking it all up, even if I can't recall how life as a singlet was, and I feel like they need to 'take over' to be real, I feel like all my past isn't 'enough' to cause any OSDD/DID/whatever related, I don't feel valid at all. No idea why this is. I have read everywhere it's "due to continuated abuse during childhood before age 9" or something like that. Now I can't recall when my abuse was but what if it wasn't before 9? Is all the bullying I had a valid reason even? And, it wasn't continuated abuse as far as I know, it either happened one time or a few more, but I mostly saw the supposed abuser in christmas days?

Ah, I also experience time distortion, and mild derealisation, by the way. The time distortion goes like not recalling when events happened exactly (yesterday events might feel like they were a week ago, or tomorrow seems like will come in two days instead).


Any thoughts, or similar experiences? Sorry it was too long. Thank you!

Really sorry it sounds like you have a lot going on.
There are other people oIn here who have a lot more knowledge than me who may be more useful. I couldn't read a lot of your history bit as were a few triggers for me in there for me but can respond to this bit.

ghostglitch wrote:I

Now, I sometimes feel like I'm making it all up. Some of them feel fake, too, not many of them though. But some others are very aware of their identity and they -know- they're not fake. Still I do feel like i'm faking it all up, even if I can't recall how life as a singlet was, and I feel like they need to 'take over' to be real, I feel like all my past isn't 'enough' to cause any OSDD/DID/whatever related, I don't feel valid at all.

There are times when I think that I have made everything up or that nothing has happened to me to warrant the 'symptoms' I present. For example -On Tuesday this body was curled in a ball by my front door very distressed and then one of my adults had to settle down one of my littles and accompany her to the chip shop because she needed to eat and no grounding on earth could sort this our because we just felt safer that way......as I write I think, that wasn't me that was somebody else , I am making it all up and there is now an argument going on about whether it is true or not.

I have a very patchy memory about certain events - my T has suggested I consider things less being about the actual events and more about the emotions attached to the events these can be quite scary and kind of get locked away. It can be easier to live with the muddle of did something happen, yes it did, no it didn't I must have made it up, than deal with the emotional stuff which my 'team' hold for me along side a variety of different memories. Don't know if that sounds familiar to you?

Denial is a huge part of this whole thing for me. I hesitate to say anymore. In some senses I agree with your T about diagnosis - this just fits you in a box, having said that that you seem to be searching for some sort of validation for what is happening to you- perhaps you could discuss this further with your T. I would also say try not to rush anything you have got a lot going on. All the best to you.

Another thought - you often get more response on the DID forum - or even perhaps have a browse on there and search some threads.

Be gentle with yourself.

Thank you very much for answering! I'm sorry there was triggering stuff there, I hope you stayed safe while reading and really, really appreciate that you did and answered. Also, sorry for my late reply!

LittleMie wrote:It can be easier to live with the muddle of did something happen, yes it did, no it didn't I must have made it up, than deal with the emotional stuff which my 'team' hold for me along side a variety of different memories. Don't know if that sounds familiar to you?

^

^^^
The only bit of stuff I recall that could have caused a DID/OSDD or something alike has in fact way more impact on me because of the emotions I recall than the actual event, and never looked at it this way, so thank you! I'm constantly wondering if it was real or not, and I haven't even asked any other headmates, so I might be avoiding dealing with the emotional stuff. Some of them are very quiet, and seem to know a lot of stuff (not necessarily about it) and others are extremely bitter and wary of people that they thing might be 'potentially harmful', or either want to engage in drama with such people. Woah. I really need to think about this stuff a bit more, I knew how they were but never related them to this. I might as well ask my therapist about that.

Anyway, I do think denial is very common in many disorders or conditions even if they don't have to do with trauma, so maybe it's that? I don't know. However I did read through some topics and I saw many people have similar questions, especially while not experiencing memory loss as us. To me, the scene you described seems kind of familiar somehow, even if we haven't experienced something like that.

Our headmates don't usually 'front' and take control, if they do it's briefly or i'm always conscious of what they are doing - but I can like, feel what they feel? Which is kinda alien to me. And then after an 'obvious' episode of an alter being emotional in any way - may it be anger, rage, sadness, fear, anxiety or extreme happiness; I tend to deny it somehow afterwards, thinking that I could be making it all up, but at the same time, 'that wasn't me'. It's weird when they're in the same body as you, and you also are conscious.

I hope you all will be alright though. My best wishes, and again, really thank you for answering!