Catch All

I wish this forum was more active

DDNOS is like stuck in between.

too messed up to be PTSD.
too not messed up to be DID.

stuck in the middle. lumped into a catch all.

just wish this place were more active.

BeccaBee wrote:I wish this forum was more active

DDNOS is like stuck in between.

too messed up to be PTSD.
too not messed up to be DID.

stuck in the middle. lumped into a catch all.

just wish this place were more active.

I know! That is how I feel.

I think I have the type of DID/DDNOS (T and psych won't diagnose me) where I do not have complete alters but they influence me all the time and rather I have amnesia to their influence of me. I also do switch but I'm always present and they're not really "full". Also, I have no idea where they go when I don't sense them around. And I can't communicate with them, though they can with me and do so semi-regularly.

Mine seem to blend with me/I don't know what you'd call me/I think of myself as a shell. Anyway, they blend with me and they make up who I am to the outside world.

But being "like this" makes my experience feel less real and less important though (as opposed to DID).

And since I am always "me" I don't think IRL people really believe me cuz if I'm aware then why can't I stop the things "I" do?

But when I say, "It's not really me. Not fully." ... they just say, "So who was it then?"

"Well, me I guess..."

"Then why can't you stop it? Why do you do things and then claim it's not you?"...

"Because it's not really 'me'. When they are there they influence me and blend with me and then I'm 'them'..."

I guess I feel like if I had complete alters then both myself and other people would maybe believe me and my experiences more. I think I would be more able to believe it.

It just seem difficult for me, or I guess anyone with DDNOS (because it's not DID), and everyone (public and otherwise) knows DID but not usually DDNOS and with all the DID awareness it gets extremely upsetting since that's what people will be expecting. It only cements further that I'm not valid.

In a way I feel fortunate because I am more whole, in a sense, but at the same time I don't really feel any more whole, just more aware maybe? And I guess that's a good thing. At least everyone who has full-blown alters tells me it is anyway. But it just feels so invalidating to me to be "not quite" single nor not adequately multiple either.

Like being invalidated for having good coping skills....

I read ur story another night ago. i tried to write a response several times. it never came out right.

covert abuse is the worst kind in a way. because I see how you doubt yourself, your memories. what boundaries were crossed if any. it was abuse. it was wrong. it wasn't your fault. keep trying to get better. chin up. you are stronger than you realize.

I know what you mean about not feeling like people understand DDNOS. It was changed to OSDD in my area. Most docs don't fully understand DDNOS, changing the name has made it one step harder for my docs.

I understand you experience of having these parts have control over your behavior, and being aware but not in control. During times of high stress, there have been times when parts have caused amnesia. I don't know if that would push my diagnosis to DID, since it is rare that this happens. I will say it's far scarier than feeling out of control.

I am seen as selfish and uncaring because me parts think of protection from threat first before thinking of the harm this causes to relationships. No one gets that when they make a lot of noise it causes a younger part to distress and make me feel real little and scared, they just say "stop acting stupid",or if they know my diagnosis like my boyfriend "stop dissociating". I know whats happening, I know my reactions are irrational, yet I have little control of my behaviors.

Trying to sooth the part has given me a skill to heighten the threshold a bit, but it's not going to stop me from dissociating if I perceive a threat. It's a tough situation, since I feel telling people the things that trigger my parts give a level of control to the other person to control my behaviors. It's happened with people I wrongly put my trust in. I have yet to tell some one outside of a therapist who has acknowledged my lack of control, and has not used that as a control. Everyone else thinks I am making excuses, and am making this up. My family is like this.