Am I on the right track here?

Hi
So I'm new here. I am basically trying to find out what is going on with me at the moment but I am a bit scared of what will happen if I go to my doctor about it.

Basically I had a number of mental health things going on for the last 8 years or so, one of which included what the doctor said was dissociation (in a brief conversation after I told him I'd been spacing out).

It never went any further (it did with regards to other diagnoses but not the dissociation, I got a lot lot lot better with help from an amazing organization, and haven't really been back to the doctor or services in 2 years!)

Recently, however, the dissociation has come back full force (assuming that is what it is, I have had other people tell me that's not what it is but offered no alternative ideas!). I have had it very frequently, and a lot worse.

Previously I would just:
- space out to the point of losing time
- sometimes have a vague idea or memory of what was going on
- feel totally not real
- feel like the world was not real
- my perception was like there was something "wrong" or textures / shapes would be wrong
- I would lose the ability to speak / move

But recently on top of this:
- I sometimes do not recognise myself in the mirror
- my tastes change and I find myself eating things I don't usually like
- I've been spending lots of money when dissociated
- I have had total loss of time/memory
- At one point I forgot who I was completely
- I have responded to things that felt like it was another person, not me, responding somehow
- Instead of feeling emotionally empty/numb like I usually would during these times, I have felt really impulsive, angry (I'm not an angry person), and depressed, panicky and destructive.

I am also living in a new area where I've only been for 4 months, and nobody understands (the few people I have told are clueless!) and I have not yet signed up with a doctor here because I am unsure whether I am here until summer or for longer. But it's getting out of hand and I'm scared. I am visiting home for a week so if I go to my doctor will they even be able to help?! Not that they helped before. I also have what seems to be a mixture of things, and I don't know whether to mention dissociation to my doctor or see if they suggest it first. (Also I'm not up for taking medication, it has always made me worse).

Can doctors even do anything about it anyway?

Am I even on the right track here?

What happens if I completely forget who I am?

I just want to know what is happening because I'm scared!

Hello there. You sound like how I felt about a year ago. Pretty much everything you described is derealization, depersonalization, and dissociation type symptoms.

NotSure1 wrote:But recently on top of this:
- I sometimes do not recognise myself in the mirror
- my tastes change and I find myself eating things I don't usually like
- I've been spending lots of money when dissociated
- I have had total loss of time/memory
- At one point I forgot who I was completely
- I have responded to things that felt like it was another person, not me, responding somehow
- Instead of feeling emotionally empty/numb like I usually would during these times, I have felt really impulsive, angry (I'm not an angry person), and depressed, panicky and destructive.

This sounds like me as well and could be symptoms of Dissociative Identity Disorder, perhaps you have seen the forum next door. Try posting in there as well because they are more active.

You do seem to be on to something though and you are definitely in the right forums for some of the symptoms you described. And a good therapist and I have heard of some medications can help you as well. It will all just take time.

I am interested to hear if NotSure1 got the needed help during your week home, and if help will continue while in your new location. Being scared is awful.

I've recently been diagnosed with "some" dissociative disorder by my psych based on a lot of the symptoms listed here. In particular the memory loss of time, impulsiveness (especially related to crazy spending that I can't afford), compulsiveness, feelings of detachment, feeling "out of body"...

I say "some" because I suppose that it will take a few more sessions and more time to really evaluate me for a proper diagnosis. During therapy, I've uncovered some childhood trauma that caused me to compartmentalize my feelings. Unfortunately, I've brought that compartmentalization into my adult life and into my relationships in a very destructive way.