Help...anxiety causing me to disengage from reality...

[COPIED AND PASTED FROM MY ORIGINAL POST ON THE PANIC DISORDER FORUM--I'M INCREDIBLY DESPERATE]
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I don't usually post on this forum (I ordinarily participate on the BPD and now-OCD forums, but I feel that I'll likely get the response and/or feedback that I'm looking for here...). My anxiety has been so out of control this past week that it feels like a perpetual, never-ending anxiety/panic-attack. I honestly feel as though my own mind is assaulting me, and in all honesty, it's gotten to the point at which I've nearly asked my boyfriend to drive me to either the emergency room or psychiatric facility so that I may find some respite. I don't know if it's worth going into the nitty gritty's of every aspect and feature of my anxiety, but I've had pretty severe bouts of it that have wax and waned since adolescence (I'm twenty-four now, and have just graduated from college--and I feel that I've no idea what to do with myself, so perhaps the inordinate amount of time that I've been spending ruminating over things isn't exactly advantageous to my mental health). Just a bit of background information: I went through an incredibly rough 1.5-2-year spat following a devastating break-up with my first boyfriend, which then led to my descension into alcohol abuse, flirting with recreational use of psychotropic drugs (i.e. adderall, etc.--although I only ever did this a few times), making some mistakes as far as my sexual encounters are concerned (a couple of which were, um, unwanted if you catch my drift), and eventually taking a Leave Of Absence from college so that I could finally correct my situation and become sober and level-headed once again (which I wholeheartedly was prior to all of this nonsense). As mentioned, I've just graduated from an incredibly reputable university with a B.A. in psychology and am in a wonderful relationship with a man who I know I'm going to marry. I suppose that, for me, this particular bout of anxiety was incited when a few of the sexual mistakes that I made in my past were brought up in conversation (I'd been tearing my poor boyfriend a new one over his sexual past, and he gently reminded me that I, too, have done things that I'm not particularly proud of...which, in my opinion, I honestly don't blame him...)...and ever since, I've been ruminating over my past and unnecessarily recanting all of these hideous details concerning the wretched things that I did. I'm a very, um, honest person--and I prefer to be as transparent and forthcoming as humanly possible so as to sustain the integrity of our relationship--I mean, I couldn't ever possibly marry a man with whom I couldn't be 100% wholly and painfully honest with. Certainly, he knows everything that I've ever done (down to who I've kissed and beyond--I mean every. single. detail)...but my OCD is literally inundating me with doubt...I feel like a dirty person...a liar...all of these horrible things...and it's killing me. To add insult to injury, I might be pregnant--which will further perpetuate my guilt because if I am, we cannot possibly keep it, and that would absolutely devastate me because I ALREADY feel like such a terrible person.

I'm literally at my absolute whit's end with this one. I mean, I've had anxiety and obsessive-compulsive tendencies ever since I can remember--with my weight, hair (a touch of body dysmorphia to further complicate matters), checking and even counting things, school (feeling compelled to earn perfect grades), relationships (I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder during my "bad patch", as I like to refer to it), etc. I've also struggled with self-harm in the past, as well as come from a familial history of OCD and other mental-health related issues. At this point, I cannot bear the thought of going through another second of this crippling anxiety. The racing thoughts, feeling as though my skin is crawling, sweating/chills, shaking, fluxes in appetite, etc.--I cannot take it anymore. I know that this sounds like terrible judgment (and I really hope that I don't offend and/or trigger anyone by disclosing this), I had to take a couple of oxycodone pills to just settle my nerves (NEVER had a problem with this in the past, believe me--I just couldn't go through another night of not being able to sleep and grappling with these terrible thoughts...).

I love my boyfriend so much, and I don't want to descend into any further states of madness (literally, this feels like pure and unadulterated madness) and place any needless strains on our relationship. I know I've been as completely open and honest with him as anyone could ever POSSIBLY be with his/her partner--but I still feel terrible. I never thought I'd even ever be remotely CAPABLE of doing the things that I did. I'm currently living with him (as said, there are some issues at home and I was essentially booted out by my suspected undiagnosed borderline father; at the moment, my mother is struggling with opiate abuse, depression, and, from what my sisters have said, suicidal statements and ideation...), and I don't want to put him through this emotional grinder anymore.

If anyone has anything (and I mean ANYTHING) to offer in the form of advice, support, etc., it'd be greatly appreciated. I'm currently in search of a therapist with whom I can potentially meet weekly to iron out some of my issues--but as said, this anxiety....I fear what I may do if it doesn't abate. I honestly didn't know that a person could feel so awful. As a matter of fact, the only way I've managed to log on here and crank out even a remotely intelligible thought is because of those pills...otherwise, I'd be sweating like a hog and chewing my fingernails and the skin of my fingers.

Please, please, please help me.

Sorry to hear about your troubles and wanted to offer support. I'm no trained T or anything....I agree work with a T concerning your anxiety is a good idea. Do you have PTSD, I believe you mentioned trauma? Working with a T can be helpful.