child parts - wanting to relate

The other day I was looking on the DID forum and saw a thread called "playground" for littles. I have looked at other littles threads before and teared up, but then I shut it down.

This one, they were calling to each other and actually virtually playing, and I just started crying really hard reading this.

I do have some part that is very young that wants to relate, but would never use lots of words like that. And is mostly very hidden. I had one friend that brought this part out and now don't see them any more. I can talk about this part to my therapist, but I haven't ever "been" this part with her. It's very achy.

I can understand why that might be moving, even as someone who doesn't have this condition. Did you cry because you wanted that part to play too, but couldn't for some reason? So sorry you're hurting.

In to me see wrote:I can understand why that might be moving, even as someone who doesn't have this condition. Did you cry because you wanted that part to play too, but couldn't for some reason? So sorry you're hurting.

When that breaks through, it does hurt. Most of the time I can' t feel it at all, though. Not that clearly, anyway.

I think that part of me is not old enough or verbal enough to play like that, so that playground would not really work. And recognizing that was like seeing again that it feels like there is no place for that little part of me. No place/people that feel ok to come out with.

But the good news is even feeling the need.

Thanks for listening.

I think I know what you mean. Here's a virtual hug.

Do you have a spouse/partner you can talk this through with?

In some situations, it's perfectly okay to be, for example, hand or spoon fed lovingly (romantic in one sense maybe, but for you, it may have a slightly different slant), or have your hair stroked/ruffled, an affectionate cuddle... would these kind of things comfort that part of you in a non verbal way?

My spouse does not know. He is affectionate but it's very adult/romantic and not really safe for my youngest self, for many reasons. My spouse is stable and has been good for my overall life not being chaotic, but he is not available for feelings much, or vulnerability. He has aspergers. He knows me as "moody" and needing downtime away from him. His family is mental health services haters/scorners. It's complicated.

It's very good that you at least have a stable non chaotic home life. I'm so sorry your child part is not able to come out in a safe way as things stand. Possibly, a time may present itself in the future when that can happen...? Maybe even the relationship with your husband can evolve to such a level that you will be able to share that in some way, even if not revealing all.

I wish I were able to suggest something more to you. Have you looked into consulting a mental health professional? They might have better ideas for you, if it bothers you enough that you would like further support. As it is, you have my sympathy, and I hope you are able to find some kind of relief regarding this, in whatever form that comes in.

Feel free to post some more on this if you need to, listening is no problem.

I used to have a preverbal alter (before we integrated). Since long before we became fully aware of our multiplicity, our coping mechanism was that we would enter co-presence or co-consciousness and play together that way. As a mom I have a license to play, but even before that I played freely. Even if I was the only adult in the pool or on the jungle gym or climbing wall, I never let that stop me. I stay in executive control. Even now that I know about DID I stay in executive control or close to it, because I think it is not ever appropriate for little children to be completely unsupervised and I don't have other adults in my life who can handle supervising a preverbal child in an adult body. Physical activity is the key. Engaging with animals is very therapeutic as well. Have you ever wanted to take horse riding lessons? Or train a dog in some sport? Or learn to juggle or do circus stunts? All these are wonderfully nonverbal activities suitable for adults.

I think our integration came so early in treatment and was so easy because we had that long history of shared play.

I hope this reflection helps you find a course that works for you.

Thanks, Una.

I used to have a very vigorous physical activity I engaged in and would get quite 'tranced out'- now I am physically limited - hadn't made the connection about how this was benefiting a co-conscious part. Also, when I was younger, I'd set off running spontaneously down the street 'for fun'.

Don't have animals anymore - but could pursue this avenue.

Thank you very much for your thoughts.

I think it's difficult and I relate. Possibility for me is my childhood was robbed and littles need safety and confidence in exploring...and protective parts sometimes shield littles. I have had moments with various littles and they're so precious, but they don't come out too often.