New user Had it for like 18 years Talk to me I've seen $#%^

Man, I could talk for hours about the $#%^ that goes on in my head. Sorry up front if there is any profanity in this but I'm literally just typing from the heart here. I was sexually, mentally and physically abused as a child between the ages of what I would have to assume were 0 to about 17 where I put a stop to it. I lived with both my biological parents in an upper-middle class house. My father was a very harsh person. He was the type of person that when you got into a car accident he would flip out because of the damage to the car and not have a care about my well being. I remember one instance where he flipped over tables and chairs to get at me for bumping the CD tray open on the PC and locking up the machine. This was the 90s so PC were still somewhat new then. I was always scared shitless to reach out to him for anything. My mother was of no help ever. My brothers were just as scared as I was and we never helped each other. All five of us just lived in a big dysfunctional family. That is really just a very small glimpse on my childhood with my family, I could go on and on.

Anywho, My father's cousin who was about the same age as my father, I'd say around 50, was more of a father to me than he ever was. I was never afraid to be around him or tell him stuff. He used to take me out to movies, carnivals, parades, fairs, you name it. I used to sleep over his house all the time and it just felt amazing to get out of the hell hole that was my house. To have somebody support me and take care of me. I loved him more than anything. Over the years things changed. Once I started going through puberty I started to realize what was going on. He had been molesting me for god only knows how long. It scared the $#%^ out of me. I didn't like it. It's funny that out of all the snap shots of my life that I actually can remember one of those times was one of the first times I've consciously dissociated myself from the situation and it felt peaceful. I was always off in my own little world. Once again, I could go on and on but I won't. Though if anybody would like to ask me a question please do.

So this went on for about 17 years. He's in prison now, I came out to my parents, I started using drugs heavily, suicidal, just out of it and blah blah blah for a few years. At around the age of 20 I quit drugs cold turkey. I quite literally dissociated myself from the pain of not having drugs and poof, it was over with. I could never really explain how I was always able to let my mind wonder out of the world in order to achieve goals. To just become a different person all together in order to keep myself alive. I really didn't want to die. I always thought I was so ######6 smarter than everyone else for being able to not have emotional ties to anything. For being able to just shut my ######6 brain off and forget the world existed. To leave myself behind.

I've been doing this for 24 years. two months ago my best friend said the world "depersonalization." She's going to be a social worker. I paid her no heed. She made me see a therapist for the first time which was about a month and a half ago. Two weeks ago my therapist said dissociation. She wanted me to take a test. When I got home I looked into it for the first time. My world is currently turned upside ######6 down. It is soo surreal to me that there is a word that describes my feelings. It really hurts my head to even think about it. It freaks me the ###$ out that after all the games I've played to keep people out there is one word to crush it all. I took that test. I go again tomorrow to talk about it. I've lived this life for so long and since I've realized there was a word for it I've been pulling situations from my past out of my head on where I've used it.

So yes, tomorrow I go see the therapist. I'm going to go just out of pure curiosity but holy ###$ I don't know if I'm ready to really do this. Every time I think about it I think of the very last line to one of my favorite movies of all time Shutter Island SPOILER ALERT. Where he says "Which would be worse, to live as a monster or die a good man." I don't know if I can do it. It ######6 scares the $#%^ out of me.

Hi there,

I have a question for you. What exactly are you asking in your post? How can we help you? No offense but I believe you are mistaken as to what DID is (based on your posts). I see you are a new member (since last night) and I am trying to take you seriously. DID is not a choice. Something to be switched on or off. It is caused by trauma and not as you have presented it.

[quote][/quote]So yes, tomorrow I go see the therapist. I'm going to go just out of pure curiosity but holy ###$ I don't know if I'm ready to really do this. Every time I think about it I think of the very last line to one of my favorite movies of all time Shutter Island SPOILER ALERT. Where he says "Which would be worse, to live as a monster or die a good man."

What are you implying here? People with DID are not bad and neither are they monsters? I take offense to this comparison. May I ask how DID is impacting your life? In what ways can your suffering be alleviated? What do you think you need? Have you ever been diagnosed? I would love to know more about you.

You are a new member and I offer my hand to you. There are many people who think of DID as a joke. I like to educate others.

Realized my previous post should not have had a question mark. It should have read "People with DID are not bad and neither are they monsters". It is not questionable. Thanks for listening.

I think JimmyDean just needs to share at this point. I definitely recognize the shock of getting a label that to me sounded alien, frightening and weird. Mind you, I studied the entire DSM equivalent by age 16 and added several years of studies in psychology. I knew (tried) pretty much all diagnoses, except that of MPD/DID. That was too outlandish to even consider. Guess what? That's what therapists started telling me. How could I be so wrong?? Or maybe so very right, smart that I avoided that one...

At any rate: yes, there is a word that can crush it all, the hiding. Because if there's a word, then it exists. Wishing you lots of success JimmyDean. It really is better to find words now than to build on with your life for another 20-30 years, like I did (doing therapy along the way, btw).
Although, I also want to say that it never is too late!

Well I typed out this giant post that took a good hour to type but lost it. I'll copy the text before I hit submit this time. Maybe this post will even be better written.

1. No, I wasn't asking a question. I was introducing myself and telling my story.

2. No, I don't think I have DID. I never claimed I did. I don't believe I do. I didn't post in the DID subforum I posted in the DDNOS subforum. I was under the impression that DDNOS was more of a general outline of DD as a whole on all different parts of it rather than just skipping right to full blown DID. I do think I suffer from depersonalization/derealization and dissociative amnesia. If the DDNOS subforum only focuses on DID I will move to the depersonalization/amnesia subs. I'm sorry if I lead you to believe that I was being malicious in any way.

3. When I quoted Shutter Island it was no judgement towards anybody. I judge no one but myself. I hold no one to a higher standard than I hold myself to. The monster I was referring to was myself. And no, I don't feel like I may be a monster because I think I suffer from DD so please don't assume that. I think there might be a possibility that I could turn out to be a monster because there was never a before time for me. There was never real life for me since my earliest memories, everything was a dream. I've never learned how to care, or to love. All of those building blocks you learn growing up weren't there for me. Sometimes I feel that I would rather stay in my head than risking finding out I really don't have the ability to do so, just to always have to put that fake smile on, laugh, joke, love, pretend, pretend and pretend. Or maybe its all just a copout because I'm too afraid to proceed, I don't know.

4. No, I haven't been diagnosed with DD yet. I haven't been diagnosed with anything official to be quite honest. I see a therapist who specializes in grief, lose and death who worked at a hospice for a long long time prior to doing what she does now. I see her twice a week and get along with her very well and talk to her very easily.

5. Thinking I may have DD doesn't scare me at all. It fascinates me in ways I can't describe. I want to read every book, watch every YouTube video and read every piece of internet relating to it.

6. More about me then. I was molested and worse for the first 17 years of my life on a very consistent daily basis with no support from friends or family. I had nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. 17 years, day in, day out. I guess at one point when I was younger I started using dissociation as a last resort to survive. I was able to hide away in my head and pretend that the world didn't exist anymore...and so it wasn't. I lived in a permanent derealization for...ever because of how consistent the trauma and crisis was. I never had the words to explain how I viewed a world that didn't exist. I was never able to explain why extreme amounts of physical pain stopped hurting.

At around the age of like...20?, I don't know... I've started realizing what I've been doing and I can't explain it, it's not a conscious decision by any means but I've been kinda able to suddenly and violently, snap myself back to reality and realizing that I just drove my car two hours and I have no idea what the hell is going on and I would immediately try and retrace my steps but for the ######6 life of me I have no ######6 clue how I got so far without being awake.

Now, prior to that I've always found it odd that I was never able to remember important things like going to Jamaica or seeing the Statue of Liberty. I've always found it odd that to this day I can't remember if that still, photographed image (because that's how I remember ALL my past, just brief moments of still, photographed images.) of being in school was when I was in 4th grade or 6th grade or how old I was or how I can't remember 99% of my teachers all the way up to graduating high school. I can't remember any skill I've learned or from any experience I've had because I was never there.

So to answer your two main questions...

1.I have no ######6 idea what the ###$ is going on in my head but I'm sure as $#%^ that DD really puts a LOT of it into perspective for me.

2. Yes, it causes major hardship in my life on a day to day basis. How do you go on a date with somebody when you unwillingly derealize to the point where you haven't heard a word she said. How do you go into a job interview when you're not even there. My entire skillset has been learned by muscle memory and repetition because I can never stay aware long enough to learn. But FINALLY knowing there are other people out there that can just say the words "sometimes I feel like I'm in a movie" takes a huge weight off my chest and makes me want to pave a massive ######6 highway for others to travel.

I may have jumped to conclusions with you. It had to do with your response to the crisis I was in with my therapist. I felt insulted as I believed you were quick to judge.

I think this is a great situation for you. You have walls, many many walls. You secretly want somebody to break them down and make everything be OK. That can't happen. All anybody can do is show you where to find the sledgehammer so that you can smash them down yourself. I feel that your therapist wants that for you. Don't get so beat up over it, she is trying. She is only human. I don't think anything she is doing is malicious. Maybe she did leave the white noise off for safety. Because she wants to keep herself safe, and you. Maybe she did it so somebody more qualified could secretly listen. Don't think that is malicious. They just want to help you. You are a grown adult now, nobody can ever hurt you like that again. I've lived with dissociation for 24 of 24 years. I can't live with it a day longer. I've disagreed with my therapist before but that's what being a human being is all about. People forget that behind being a therapist or a cop or a firefighter or a solider there is a real live human being. She chose to be a therapist to help people find themselves. I say use her as your torch to find your sledgehammer. Relax, breath, let yourself go, tell her something that you'd never tell anybody, something true, ask her for help, let down your guard and if the going gets tough, don't regret it. Never regret it. When you disagree with what she says, talk to her about it. Don't argue with her, don't cancel on her, don't have a pissing match. I think the best test you can do for yourself is to truly, physically and mentally, let her take the wheel. You might be blown away with joy on where she leads you.

I wish you only the best.

Well everybody. I think I'm starting to go crazy. Ever since dissociation disorder was brought up it's forced me into realizing what I've been doing. I'm having problems escaping anymore, it just doesn't come naturally. I've just been getting very emotional instead of meeting that threshold where i would leave myself and enter the clouds. I've also been trying for the life of me to remember pieces of my past since this has been brought up just to prove that I could but I can't and it's driving me insane. It's like a nagging thought in the back of your head where I would remember just one and only one snap shot moment of the event and the feelings I had associated with them and nothing else. Not what was said or what the event was or anything. I can't explain it. My brain is literally hurting to the point where I've been smashing my head against the desk trying to figure it all out. It's such a nagging thought. Nagging and nagging and nagging and nagging and nagging. Just typing this forced me to go through a head pounding episode. Why can't I remember anything WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY. I can't do this. I am not strong enough. After all the years of abuse I don't think I will ever be okay again. I just want to not feel anymore. I know deep down inside of me I wish it wasn't like this but I don't have the ability to keep this going for much longer. I would rather be brain dead to the whole situation rather than alive having to remember it all.

Maybe you don't have to remember it all.

Also, maybe you are not able to remember certain things because parts do not feel safe and are not ready to do so. Sometimes when fleeting, forgotten memories enter consciousness it could be the result of a trigger or even that a 'part' has been activated that holds those memories.

I only speak from my personal experience. Every DID system is different. It was designed to keep you safe.

How did your appointment go?

Hope all is well.

Radioactivepie