I am not there.

I don't know how to call it. I have BPD, but I dissociate a lot, even for a person with my disorder. Just going through the motions, missing time. Every time I walk the street, ride the bus. I remember nothing, all I can draw are blanks. It's scary, though I got used to it. Without dissociation, I'll probably be even more ill.

It's just like my life is being lived, but not by me. Also, when my emotions aren't tense, they're just plain blunt. I'm also more paranoid and psychotic that your "regular" BPD. But the dissociation. Every day, each day. For hours. And sometimes everything looks distorted. The lights are too bright, I focus on the shadows. Sometimes I don't get that that's my face, in the mirror. My arms are detached. So am I.

And I'm afraid there's nothing I can do.

I have to watch my life like a movie, like some kind of 3rd person over the shoulder video game
I just found myself back from Colorado in Michigan having hitchiked most of it

...I didn't realize how much I was not quite present until all of a sudden, I was.
AAAAIEEE!
...I was HERE! Holy crap it was scary at first.
...I think that if you work on...well, whatever it is that's right in front of you to work on, and keep working...that eventually the fuzzy wool padding your brain is giving you will not be needed.

...I think martial arts helped, I think yoga helps, I think working out helps. Anything where have to pay attention to what my body is doing, basically.

But we're not severely split; we tend to co-consciousness more.