Parts of me that I know of

I enjoy reading the DID forum, but I can't write there, at least not yet. So I decided to start here to try to figure out what this is for me. Since it is very much hidden, not at all obvious to me let alone to other people, I'm hardly capable of even calling them parts of myself all the time. I mean, who's to say they're not just strong emotions, and that I'm a little weird, as a personality? But here I go. Having started therapy last October I've become more aware of some of the parts.

The one who deals with outside world.
This could be called an Apparently Normal part of Personality (ANP.) I am always aware of what's happening, so this part is always there too. I really don't know if it's ME, and the other parts are Emotional Parts of Personality (EP), instead of personalities per se.

The one who's always afraid.
Or maybe different parts can be afraid as well, at different times? I'm not sure. Mostly I think these parts are emotions that I've detached from myself, so this one would be just fear itself. (Or maybe there is more evolved parts also? We'll see.)

The one whos's anxious and restless.
Ready to jump up and run as fast as she can. Wiggles her hands and feet, fast pulse.

The one who carries the rage.
Or is it just rage itself, in a specific compartment in me, that comes out from time to time, when something triggers it?

The one who's just a baby and only knows how to cry.
The part that has no words, and who cannot be soothed, she just cries hysterically herself empty and then calms down.

The one who talks continuously.
Experiences complete detachment from feelings, comes out at social situations, can't stop talking and appears to be in control of everything. Inside "I" feel I could just punch her unconscious.

The one who panics all the time.
This part is more dynamic than the one who's afraid I think. The one who's afraid is passive and just wants to hide somewhere and curl up. The one who suffers from panic attacks falls to pieces and runs around in all directions and trembles and hyperventilates and sometimes bursts into tears, especially when facing the impossible situation which is getting herself out the door.

The one who just wants to laugh, no matter what.
I've "met" this part twice during therapy. Even though we're talking about serious stuff and I've just felt quite anxious or sad, this part comes out and I feel irresistible urge to laugh out loud. I grin and sniggle, and feel so embarrased, since there's no reason to laugh. I know this part from the past but I've only just now realised that it's more than just a defensive smile that comes out when I actually feel like crumbling down. (Or, maybe, that smile isn't related to this at all. I'm not sure.)

The one who just doesn't give a damn.
I felt this part last time when I was in therapy. I described it to my therapist as a teenager, like chewing gum, very indifferent, bored, rolling her eyes to grown-ups who try to talk some sense into her.

(I felt the anxious part, the one who laughs and the indifferent part at the same time in therapy. So I was ready to fight or flight, didn't give a damn and wanted to laugh at the same time. It was quite weird. )

There's more to come, but this is enough for now.

Btw, if anyone else reads here, you're welcome to do the same. It would be enlightening I think. But if nobody wants to participate, I'll just write this to myself. I need to see these things written, to see them more clearly.

The one who melts two words into one. Sniggle! Apparently there are several meanings to this word, one of them meaning giggling and snorting at the same time, but I'm pretty sure I just meant to say "giggle."

Yesterday I read "Haunted Self", and I think I had an epiphany. Since I think I suffer from secondary structural dissociation, and I don't have multiple autonomous personalities and I am always present, I've been baffled by the fact that I feel I act very differently from time to time. For years I of course thought it was because of the bipolar, and other people probably too, when it comes to whether I'm happy and energetic or tired and cranky, or whatever. To them, I've represented myself as one person who's sometimes very happy and sometimes very sad, but always the same one, that I could call my ANP. By myself I've
been very different at different times, much more clearly, and here's the mystery; if I only have one ANP, why are there these people in me, that seem to have personalities of their own?

The Hippie Girl.
She's always very pleasant, nice, thinks good thoughts about other people. Holds doors open to them, smiles. Likes to wear hippie clothes, colourful stuff, wears sandals at summertime. Big sunglasses, bracelets, big earrings. Listens to Carole King or something like that.

The Sporty Woman.
Wears anything practical enough for running or biking, sneakers, sometimes even a baseball cap that says "New York" that my sister brought me once from her trip there. She's the only one who can wear this black t-shirt that says "Reebok." Hides behind sunglasses too, but the big ones are too ridiculous, she wears more ones that don't draw so much attention to her. She's neutral when it comes to other people, doesn't really give a cr@p, they could all just disappear and she wouldn't care. She just runs or bikes, and listens to music, something like Blondie's Parallel Lines, something with energy and drive.

Joon77 wrote:The one who carries the rage.
Or is it just rage itself, in a specific compartment in me, that comes out from time to time, when something triggers it?

Nope. She does have a personality. She hates everything and everybody. At home she throws stuff around, yells and bangs doors (she actually broke our bedroom door once, one of the hinges was bent and the door couldn't be closed anymore... until I fixed it.) Outside she just boils up inside, thinking very bad thoughts about other people, hating everything they do or don't do, especially in the traffic. And in the grocery store. And in the bus. And just everywhere. She feels people are all bad, they're indifferent to other people's suffering, they bump into you on the street and don't apologise, they are greedy and stupid and their shopping carts are full of disgusting things. She could easily push the button that would make the whole world explode into oblivion.

...

Okay, I guess I'll just send this now. I'll never get it finished, something always gets in my way, I'll continue later.

(Today I've been The One Who Gets Everything Done In A Jiffy! ...And then I took a dive and became that tired and sad and lonely little thing again. She's around a lot nowadays. )

EDIT. And the epiphany was (which was the whole point of this post) that maybe I have several observing parts of personality. One apparently normal part, but she's like a puppet to those others? This sounds kind of creepy to myself, but I just had to write it down. I'll come back soon to see what it looks like in written. And maybe I'll find funny words again, since right now I'm a little out there.

Joon77 wrote:Btw, if anyone else reads here, you're welcome to do the same. It would be enlightening I think. But if nobody wants to participate, I'll just write this to myself. I need to see these things written, to see them more clearly.

I'm not sure whether to continue or not. I've started to write but then given up before I even get started. Since not many people write here at all, and this would obviously become a conversation of my own, it would be like having a blog. And I already have one, just not in English. And, I've been thinking - maybe I should protect myself a little better? Not write here and there, to a blog and several forums at the same time? Or maybe this is just a part of this whole chaos? Maybe I'm scattering myself around because I am such a chaos myself. But obviously that doesn't help me get a better picture of myself at all.

Well, I'll add one part of personality here anyway.
The one who mimics other people.
She suddenly starts to act like somebody else. Other people don't see it, but "I" feel, very strongly, that I'm mimicing somebody I know, very precisely, speech patterns and gestures and all. This is baffling.

Hi Joon77

I enjoyed reading your thread and i can relate to a lot of what you say ...

I am (Very) newly DX with DID. I hadn't a clue what DID or Dissociation was when i started therapy (November)

I DID at the time feel (parts) of myself to be very different. The Paranoid part, The Mimic (why do i have to speak in a scottish accept every time i meet someone scottish) I am scottish but it's not my accent ...

I used to read the DID form all the time b4 1 was DX, but was unable to post there as i didn't feel that i could. I wasn't DX with DID, so that couldn't be me.

The forum is very friendly and lots of people do post there without a did dx.

Hope you are feel better.

I can't tell for sure how many there are... but I think it's three. They have dialogues in my head all the time but they all pretty much talk the same, it's not like I hear distinct physical voices, and it's taken me a long time to even identify them this much. There is one who bears my real name (we'll just say Lynne but that's not my real first name). Lynne has long very hair and is a scared, semi-sickly little girl. It is from her that my poetic and imaginative side comes from that allows me to engage in art and study animals and wildflowers etc. The next person is Delta. She is a strong and opinionated woman who likes to dress in dark colors and walks and talks differently than Lynne. She's the rational one who tries to control Lynne's fear and panic. But she also can be mean and has a very dark, sardonic sense of humor. Delta is the mediator between Lynne and the third person, who has yet to come out and truly speak for himself. He has not given himself a name so I just call him Shadow or "my beast side", and he is the most evil part of me. He is an immature, sociopathic, violence-loving male with dark, greasy hair and it's him who I have to keep under tight control all the time. Lynne is terrified of him and what he might do the ones she loves, but over the last year Delta has become more real and taken over a few times and has mediated Lynne's panic and the Shadow's desire to rampantly kill and rape. So right now Delta keeps it under control.

Wow. I am so glad to have found this forum! I want to share my parts with you too! I don't have DID (I don't lose time, and the parts are ME, broken off from me and very different from me, but not 'other people' in the same body). I have C-PTSD (am for the most part recovered). Often the parts are in the background, talking to me, sometimes they take over, sometimes there are two of three in control at the same time (and I'm in the background)...

The OK/real/grounded me:
All the other states are dissociated extremes from myself, so while I am capable of feeling intense fear or sadness, for example, it is VERY different than 'switching' into the scared child part or the depressive part. So this part has a full range of emotions, can tolerate them all (even if they feel overwhelming at times), doesn't have to block things out to function, etc. Abilify helps me be in this place more.

The scared child part:
The flashback part. She is terrified, helpless/powerless, ashamed, confused, disgusted... If she takes over completely I am no longer 27 years old - I am 9, it's happening again, and it's completely disorienting when I 'come back'. She is unable to move or speak, used to be mute; now she says things like 'help me' (to our aunt), 'I'm sorry' (to my T? To my mom? I don't know). It is embarrassing when she blurts out 'help me' if people are around!

The happy/social/pre-teen/'good girl' part:
She does not feel (neither good nor bad feelings), but is very good at pretending. She is always optimistic/pleasant/positive/enthusiastic/smiling/nice/good, wants to be the best person she can be. She ran, always, everywhere, as hard as she could, until I got shin-splints. I have learned over the years that she is actually desperately afraid of emotional abandonment/rejection, and this is why she's blocked out her feelings (painful feelings are what will cause rejection/abandonment; they hurt people). She blocked out the memories. She thinks our uncle is nice and friendly and always smiling. She denied it all until recently. She says now that he didn't mean it/couldn't help it, that it was her fault and she's sorry (though she doesn't feel the guilt).

The angry/reactive/self-hatred/suicidal/teenager part:
She HATES me (actually carved the word 'hate' in my shoulder at 13, when the happy/'good girl' part faltered/failed/faded/left. She's nearly killed the body a few times through AN, and major SI episodes. She is frantic and desperate and self-destructive. My epiphany with her came in T (the only time she spoke to somebody other than one of us). She was out and was spewing venomous words about the child part (that she is stupid and pathetic and shouldn't have tried and didn't try hard enough and it was HER FAULT, etc). She wouldn't look at my T - she was afraid! I never knew she felt fear before! I have since come to understand that she has the same fear of emotional abandonment/rejection as the 'happy' part does, but she is angry at the happy part either for be a liar or for failing at being effective (emotionally void). She also picks on the next part, the depressive part.

The depressive part:
Pretty obvious. While I feel depressed from time to time, this part doesn't know anything else, doesn't remember any capacity for happiness in the past. She is hopeless/helpless/worthless/undeserving/bad/ashamed/disgusting - well, she believes those things, but most of those are judgments from the angry teenaged part. She has anhedonia and an incredible capacity for unending emotional pain. The only light she's ever known is death, but she's 'not allowed': she's supposed to suffer, deserves it, etc, etc. She hides in bathroom stalls, consumed with shame.

The thinking/obsessive/brain part:
It does not feel, but unlike the 'good girl' part, can't fake any emotion. Does not have empathy. OCD, AN obsessions, BDD... but also got me the highest average in my high school (studies excessively). Afraid of losing control, of not being good enough, tries to 'fix' me. Overanalyzes. Agonizes.

I'm tired now! Throughout the years, in learning about these parts, I am learning how to take care of them/validate them, to not fear/reject them. In accepting/respecting/helping them, I am more and more able to be the one who is in control, and more and more capable of getting back the control when one/some of them takes over.

I hope in writing this somebody can relate, feel less alone. At the very least it has felt good to write it out/share!

Hi everybody, it's nice to see you've been here too. I haven't visited this forum at all lately, I've been too lost in the fight over my livelihood. I'm in the middle of a neverending struggle to get disability pension, and it's making me nuts. (Haha!) But my therapy is on a break now that it's summertime, and I find myself wanting to look inside again, instead of just fighting with the powers that be. But anyway, I'm a little busy at the moment so I'll have to come back and read your posts later, when I can really concentrate. It is good to find out about others who share these problems, people I can relate to. It's not easy in everyday life, even though people try to understand. And some don't.

See you later!

Wow, it really took time for me to get back. Time is weird, it just goes on and on and suddenly it's so much later than it was before.

Joon77 wrote: Joon77 wrote:The one who carries the rage.
Or is it just rage itself, in a specific compartment in me, that comes out from time to time, when something triggers it?


Nope. She does have a personality. She hates everything and everybody. At home she throws stuff around, yells and bangs doors (she actually broke our bedroom door once, one of the hinges was bent and the door couldn't be closed anymore... until I fixed it.)

She did it again. Then hinge is broken once again.

~

Thanks Blu-Web for your comment. I do appreciate it when people remind me that I'm not alone with my feelings of being an outsider here.

Thanks to you too kavajava. You described very well the huge differences that these parts can have. I also have a scared little girl and a very, very horrible part that has monstrous thoughts and tendencies. Luckily it's only thoughts, at least for now...

Wow, niva, you're sure have come far. I was only just now able to read these comments with real thought, for being so depressed and anxious throughout the summer, and I was really impressed. It gives me hope to know that learning to know these parts can actually help living with them, because there have been really dark moments lately when I have lost all hope and thought that everything is futile. Maybe it's not.

~

I notice that I've had real progress too in undestanding myself. I also read everything I've written here myself, and realised I've gradually started to experience this in a different way. I'm not that concentrated in the theory of structural dissociation anymore, and I'm beginning to feel it more. I'm beginning to believe it, and becoming aware of them. I actually had an experience one day that made me think I'm ready to participate in the DID forum soon. It came to me suddenly - I felt the different parts of me not being able to decide what to do, and I could almost hear them. They're not really voices, but it was very clear to me what was happening.

Also, one day a friend of mine was visiting, and when we were suppose to go outside, I started to agonise over what to wear (it happens every freaking day) and suddenly this sentence came out of my mouth, aloud, with a very commanding voice, telling me that "we are not gonna do this now, you'll just have to choose some clothes and leave the house, period." It usually never happens when there's other people around. Later I told my friend I thought it was really funny that that happened, and she said it was an honour to be the one to hear it.

AND. One day my therapist said that "we are speaking of them like they're separate even though they're maybe not really" (I know she was saying this because apparently she doesn't want to force any thoughts into my head, even though this is what she believes herself to be true) and I interrupted and said "yes, they are, I've noticed it very well lately." So yes, it's becoming real to me. (!)

~

(Maybe a trigger warning here? Just some general thoughts about physical changes, mentioning sexuality, nothing much though that I'd feel could trigger. Anyway... )

So, now I'm having this weird sensation that I have different bodies - it came to me a couple of days ago, when I was thinking about my sexuality and the difficulties in sex life. I've been in a relationship for 12 years, and there certainly have been ups and downs... I won't go into this in detail, because it is a sore point for me, as well as many others here. But this epiphany came to me when thinking about "who" in me is sexual and who isn't. I realised that sometimes I feel like I'm in a child's body (the one that doesn't have any adult "functions" or sensations), sometimes I'm in a "sick body" (the one that feels all the physical symptoms, muscle pains and irritable bowel syndrome and eczema and migraines and feels just sick and ugly) and sometimes I'm in an adult body (the one who's 36-years old and normal and just fine, and also sexual with no problems.) The body may change very rapidly, so that for example in one moment I'm having difficult symptoms, like pain or something, and suddenly they're gone. Also, I can be feeling very adult, with everything that comes with it, and then poof, it's gone, and I'm like a child. Like, where did my libido just disappear?

So here's something new for me to think about. How can I "have" multiple bodies? I mean, with different physical traits, as in one day I was ill (with flu) and completely washed-out, and then wasn't anymore, and went biking. I was very energetic and I was out for quite a long time, riding my bike fast and furious, and then, when I was approaching home, suddenly I felt it was hard to breathe, the air wouldn't flow in and out as fast as my lungs tried to make it flow, my throat was sore and I felt very tired. And the thought came to me: "Oh no, I forgot I was ill. What am I doing here?" ...And still, I was "there" all the time. And yet I wasn't?

Well, nothing surprises me anymore, I think... But it's very, very fascinating now.

Wow, okay, everything you're saying rings true with me. Which is a relief because I'm brand new to all of this and was getting more than a bit unnerved!

I often feel that I'm switching "Me's." Not so much that alters are taking the body, but that I'm floating into alters, if that makes sense. I still don't know if they're in control...maybe, because I do notice that I'll absently intend to, say, watch a movie, and instead I'll find myself going to my laptop. I think I notice it most strongly around food.
"I don't want to eat...oh but I'm opening the fridge anyway. Hmm maybe a spoonful of peanut butter...oh but first I'm going to eat a bite of cheese...peanut butter now?...no, okay, milk. Oh, I'm making it chocolate milk." I don't question why I reached for things I didn't intend to until afterwards.

I haven't experienced the "different bodies" sensation as you describe it, but looking back I remember often being startled by my reflexion in the mirror. Like, "whoa, I don't remember my <insert body part> looking like that." I recognize it fine as me, but it doesn't match my inner perception of myself...I may look like that, but I don't feel like it.

I'm going to outline the few personalities I may have felt. I'm still flipping back and forth between denial and acceptance (on a nearly hourly basis, mind ), but here I go:

Responsible One: I really can't ignore her because she wrote for/with me the other day in the DID forum. (I think? Sigh.) She's what I was freshman year of high school: focused and driven, stressed by unfinished homework or low grades. I think she's more than that, as well, but I really don't know much about her yet. If I'm not completely imagining the conversation I had with her, she seems to resemble an ISH.

Fighter: She's loyal to a few, but stands alone. She's very independent and dislikes socializing. Very sarcastic, feels unsafe (I think?) when I'm in a relationship where someone has control over my feelings or actions. When I feel like her I don't want to put on makeup or girlish clothing, preferring to dress sexy in a grounded way.

Anger/Demon: Acidic emotions. I can tell the difference of her anger from mine because she seeks to damage and poison whereas I usually just have to be right. She'll say things to people I love (and she loves?) that cause a lot of pain, and she gleans satisfaction from that.

I don't know all parts of me, but there is a Christian, and a traveler.