I didn't know where to put this or what this is

Hey I'm 18, I was telling my counselor and my psychologist about these weird things that happen to me, I can't seem to find any thing that fits with it I guess. Um well there are 2 things:

1. I find it difficult to identify what emotion I am feeling unless it is quite extreme, so most of the time if someone asked me how I was feeling and I answered truthfully I would say "I don't know", I can't feel moderate feelings, I don't understand what happiness is either and it frustrates me when people say they are sad because I can't empathize with them. My boyfriend tries to help me realise what moderate sadness is like, or moderate happiness, or moderate irritation by giving me examples, but it only makes me feel extremely confused and hurt and I start crying. Most "normal" feeling is quite lacking and empty. My care-coordinator (or whatever they call her), says it's disassociating or something. When I get angry I start thinking I'm witty and clever and sharp, and when I look back on my anger I realise how over the top it was, I just keep pulling out all the stops and attacking very nastily, I hurt my boyfriend a lot and I don't want to do that. All I can say is "it wasn't me" because when I am saying those things I am looking at myself, it as if it is some other person and I am powerless. It seems stupid but it's true, and I have told my boyfriend about it and he is very understanding and patient with me. I feel so sorry for him.

2. I have this thing that happens quite a lot since I was a child of about 7, I start to take on the character of someone off of television (usually someone I don't like) and I start thinking I am actually them to the point that I can't actually recognise myself in the mirror. I have to sit there and think "this is me, this is me" and poke my face for 10 minutes or more for the realisation that I am staring at myself and not someone else to sink in. This usually starts happening when I am feeling in my empty mood. I told my counselor person about this and she said something about ringing alarm bells off or something (I have a bad memory of what people say even when I'm trying to listen, though she was saying it was bad or something), and that maybe I am trying to channel my feelings through characters on tv. I can relate to film and tv characters because their emotions are never moderate, they are always at the extreme. The film characters sometimes help me be witty and sharp (which I am usually am neither), but most of the time I start thinking I am someone horrible like a famous child molester, or someone who I find embarrassing and foolish. I start to act like them unintentionally until I start to think it's okay or something. I have other problems which may lead my mind to pick these people/characters.

I don't understand it, it hurts when I think I am someone bad, it hurts even more that I can't recognize myself in the mirror, I sort of see myself doing things as that person and start taking on their way of talking or even walking and sometimes even dress. I know deep down that I am me and not that person but I can't seem to do much about it.

Anyway I didn't know where to put this, I guess I put it here because it feels like I am getting taken over by things, and I know sometimes people with dissociative disorders can't recognise themselves in the mirror. I don't have DID by the way, I have BPD traits and anxiety, and I don't know what I'm asking for, just if someone experiences this too... thanks : )

First, welcome to this forum! (I'm new here too).

It's very quiet here, so maybe it's better to ask in the DID forum (it has 64 times as many threads currently).

What you experience might be DID or similar, but I don't know much about BPD but I do know it's symptoms are much like DID.
Feeling empty (emotionless) inside happens often in people with DID as far as I go (and the opposite too, wanting/feeling all kinds of different things at the same time). If that's it, it might just be that your emotions are hidden deeply inside you.

horribleperson wrote:All I can say is "it wasn't me" because when I am saying those things I am looking at myself, it as if it is some other person and I am powerless.

Have you ever had that you couldn't control your body at that same moment? Because that is a strong symptom for DID (maybe other disorders too, I don't know). Or did you only remember afterwards being different?

horribleperson wrote:2. I have this thing that happens quite a lot since I was a child of about 7, I start to take on the character of someone off of television (usually someone I don't like) and I start thinking I am actually them to the point that I can't actually recognise myself in the mirror. I have to sit there and think "this is me, this is me" and poke my face for 10 minutes or more for the realisation that I am staring at myself and not someone else to sink in. This usually starts happening when I am feeling in my empty mood. I told my counselor person about this and she said something about ringing alarm bells off or something (I have a bad memory of what people say even when I'm trying to listen, though she was saying it was bad or something), and that maybe I am trying to channel my feelings through characters on tv. I can relate to film and tv characters because their emotions are never moderate, they are always at the extreme. The film characters sometimes help me be witty and sharp (which I am usually am neither), but most of the time I start thinking I am someone horrible like a famous child molester, or someone who I find embarrassing and foolish. I start to act like them unintentionally until I start to think it's okay or something. I have other problems which may lead my mind to pick these people/characters.

Are those characters consistent, i.e. a defined set of the same characters? Or are they every time different? Because that makes a huge difference (I think).
The feeling that you are somebody else is called 'depersonalisation' I think. This may also be a symptom, but is probably also common in multiple disorders.

Maybe some questions to think about:

• How much do you remember of your childhood? Have you 'missing years'?
• Have you read about the symptoms of DID (not only the DSM, that gives just a few core symptoms which may well be hidden). This is a thread with a collection of resources about DID (note: DID is often misunderstood, so be careful when searching).
• Have you ever tried talking to those 'other' things? Warning: when starting this, there may be no way back. Once you become aware (if it's indeed DID), you can't just put it away.
• Have you told your psychologist that you identified a bit with DID? Note: not wanting to tell that (and maybe also not really knowing why) is a sign it's DID (it is very hard to diagnose, and most people get a wrong diagnosis first). Doubt is very common (yes, I'm saying this to myself too). For me, I am going to write it all down because I seem to be unable to tell directly.
• Have you had a problematic childhood? DID is often thought to be caused by severe childhood trauma, but most people with DID don't remember that (amnesia).

I personally wouldn't call this DID immediately. There is certainly some depersonalisation/dissociation involved and what you experience is certainly something which you should talk about with someone.

I hope this helps you, and I hope someone else can comment on this because I'm new to this all too and cannot really answer your question.

I do have recurring characters, some from television or people i used to know, and some are ones that come out when i feel a particular emotion, for instance when i feel confusion i call him cat face, and when i start to get angry i usually have the spy on, i have other ones though. I don't think it's DID because i don't miss periods of my day, though i cant remember too much from my childhood. lots of bad things happened then and sometimes i remember them.
thinking about it now, i had something a few months ago which i called a vision, i won't go into details because it upsets me, but when i had it i turned literally into a 2-3 year old, i didnt feel i had control over my body or i could speak well at all, i felt extremely panicked and felt other things happening to me, which have led me to believe taht i was raped when i was a very young child. I remember very very little of when i was a toddler, i have no idea if this is normal or not...
i dissasociate because of bpd a lot though, my councellor/psychologist person said that this is because i cannot deal with extreme feelings, so i go empty.

it's okay, i am just so glad someone answered it : ) thank you oaktree

I didn't see your post earlier, but here is my response.

horribleperson wrote:I do have recurring characters, some from television or people i used to know, and some are ones that come out when i feel a particular emotion, for instance when i feel confusion i call him cat face, and when i start to get angry i usually have the spy on, i have other ones though.

I have what I call 'masks'. I don't know whether it's a dissociative disorder or not, but what I have sounds like what you describe. Except that I don't get them from television (I watch nearly no television).

horribleperson wrote:I don't think it's DID because i don't miss periods of my day

DID has, as defined by the DSM-IV, time loss / amnesia. But it's on a spectrum. DDNOS (everything that is clearly dissociative but not exactly DID) doesn't need time loss to be diagnosed. See here.
And it happens often that the 'host' (the main person out) doesn't know about the time loss. The time loss itself is forgotten (behind amnesia walls).

horribleperson wrote:thinking about it now, i had something a few months ago which i called a vision, i won't go into details because it upsets me, but when i had it i turned literally into a 2-3 year old, i didnt feel i had control over my body or i could speak well at all, i felt extremely panicked and felt other things happening to me, which have led me to believe taht i was raped when i was a very young child.

This could very well fit into DID/DDNOS. It is possible to have very young parts, even baby parts. It is normal for people with DID to have no recollection of some event. but that another part holds the memory. Such events are one of the main symptoms of DID. I'm not saying you have been raped, but that is often the case with DID (but not always!).

horribleperson wrote:I remember very very little of when i was a toddler, i have no idea if this is normal or not...

I don't know how much is normal to forget. But I think it's normal to remember very little about that time.
I personally have very few memories of secondary school. Which is strange, considering my age (18). I don't think that is really normal.

And another thing, it is very common for people with DID to be misdiagnosed with BPD and anxiety disorders.
For what you have said, there is a real possibility you have DID. I would definitely research this further. Here is a page with a long list of threads with common questions about DID.

Have you told all those things to your counselor? That is very important for a good diagnosis and treatment. You can also read this thread. It is a question asked by me (I wasn't sure whether to tell certain DID symptoms, I was really afraid. DID is meant to be hidden, so that probably caused my fear, if I have DID/DDNOS).

You are welcome to this forum!