Witnessed deadly stabbing. DA threat of perjury charges

Short and sweet. Watched my friend and roommate in a knife fight with other friend and roommate. I pulled them apart. The one who was attacked fought back with a knife, and the attacker died in the hospital a bit later. I had to go to the court and talk to two prosecutors and a state police detective for several hours, and then testify before a Grand Jury. The roommate that died had a security camera in his room the whole time, and the prosecutor soon was able to obtain footage and audio of the entire incident. I told them everything honestly, and they said I was lying and leaving something out. Then they told me to get an attorney beause they are considering charging me with perjury because they are sure I am lying.

Finally, they play back my own voice. I had blocked out, I realized, the most important first 10 seconds of me intervening. Since, I can reasonably infer, that during those 10 seconds I saw the alleged murder weapon. I have no memory of seeing it. I even remember very clearly freaking out about not seeing a knife. I recall screaming "Who has the knife?" since I was seeing so much blood. After a lot of yelling I broke down in front of the prosecutors in tears in hysteria swearing that I was not lying. But yes it was my voice I heard. It seems they decided they believed me. And sure, I believe them and others, probably, that I did see a knife, but I still have absolutely no memory of this.
An otherwise very nice, noble, but very young friend of mine is now in custody awaiting actual trial, charged with murder in the 2nd degree.

Overall I don't think I am traumatized by this. More like the opposite, small issues are just laughable to me now. I have seen it all. Blood use to make me a little squeemish, but there was so much blood. It's just something to clean up now. The fight happened because the now deceased was regularly beating up his girlfriend, always threatening others, he was always lying, manipulating, threatening, throwing money and drugs at people, betraying, and ratting people out.

I was there for the surviving girlfriend after, since I still had to be there for her since the dead one onc e long ago was my friend. I made peace with the whole matter and wrote a private eulogy. He was very accomplished and respected in society, people not immediately witnessing the horrible things, didn't know about the horrible things.

Should I just move on? Or should I be concerned about the moment of amnesia?? Outside of this experience I have never blacked out my memory, adjusting for alcohol/drugs/whatever.

High levels of stress can cause amnesia even when you do not have any underlying dissociative disorder like DID. The stress is so high that the brain just stops "recording" the events and "forgets" to make a memory out of it. Happens to anyone under enough stress for their brain to "flip the switch".

The symptoms of trauma are not always flashbacks and the like. They can also be a dissociation, a detachment, from some aspects like emotions.

Only a trained therapist can help you figure out if the events desensitized you to the sight of blood or if you are dissociating from the emotions. Both are possible.

Also, recovering from a shocking event does NOT mean "being forced by the therapist to relive the event" it means "being able to remember the event, remember that it happend to me, remember that it was stressful, while no longer suffering from it all because I am able to feel that it's over now". Just in case you needed to read this.

Thank you!
For your thoughtful insight, and for reading and responding to a post with a difficult topic.

ArbreMonde wrote: Happens to anyone under enough stress for their brain to "flip the switch".

The symptoms of trauma are not always flashbacks and the like. They can also be a dissociation, a detachment, from some aspects like emotions.

Although I usually tend to lean away from the clinical psychology/therapist model of healing(drawn towards self-help, positive psychology, and look for resilience where one generally expects trauma), you might appreciate the following exchange I had with the prosecutors during one of the long "talks" in preparation for my testimony:

They were explaining this whole thing about 'sequestration', which just means they were urging, but not requiring me, buuuut very very strongly urging me to not discuss what happened even with my friends, the other witnesses. At least until the 'secret' trial, aka Grand Jury was over. They made a good point. But eventually I asked if eventually I would be able to talk openly with people about it, and especially asked if I would be able to view the entre security camera footage.

They looked a bit puzzled and first asked me, "why?"
Also, a bit puzzled by how this would not be obvious I said, "well for my sanity!".


I'll admit this makes me a little nervous but for sure I will watch it when I'm ready.

ArbreMonde wrote:Also, recovering from a shocking event does NOT mean "being forced by the therapist to relive the event" it means "being able to remember the event, remember that it happend to me, remember that it was stressful, while no longer suffering from it all because I am able to feel that it's over now". Just in case you needed to read this.

Beautiful words. I did need to read it, and thank you again!

My guess about why not to talk about it with close people: it's because it could (1) change the other witnesses' memories a bit and sometimes the tiny bits of detail can be of utmost importance in a trial and (2) each time we remember an event, we are at risk of changing bits of details in the memory which is ok for everyday events (that's why the brain works that way) but in a trial it makes things messy.

nerdmaufia wrote:I usually tend to lean away from the clinical psychology/therapist model of healing (drawn towards self-help, positive psychology, and look for resilience)

I am a bit puzzled by that because the contemporary psychological model of healing is about:
- developping one's ressources (self help)
- going back to a feeling of safety and positivity (positive psychology)
- building back confidence in the safe people around us (which is the number one tool for resilience)

Of course, it takes a trauma-trained or at least trauma-informed therapist for that. In some countries (cough cough France cough cough) it's very difficult to find trauma informed therapists because trauma and dissociation are almost nonexistent in most teaching curriculums. There is a whole rabbit hole here but this is not the time not the place for that.

There are a few self help books in the DID ressources list (link in my signature) if it helps, as well as general informations about what is a trauma, how does dissociative amnesia work, what to do to increase resilience and recover, etc. They are DID-oriented but the not-DID brain works the same in a trauma setting, just with less separation between the brain's functions leading to a more cohesive and unified sense of identity.