fear of improvement?

I'm not really sure where to put this. I have been diagnosed both as dysthymia and as bipolar two. Yet the lows in my BP are severe depression. The highs aren't very high and are like most people's (meaning not with mental illnesses) low...or as best as I can judge what their lows are like.

But has anyone ever felt afraid of improving and healing? I can't figure out why. But it is like everytime I get close to overcoming and managing this, I feel scared and fall because of the fear.

I do not have bipolar disorder or something, I am not even diagnosed with depression. But I feel like I can't rely on myself...will never be able to "function" normally..I have no trust in myself, so the thought that someone says "There is nothing wrong with you" scares me because I do not want to have to fall back on my own discipline, will power and strength, since I've got none. Is that what you mean?
It can also be that you are afraid of happiness..(recognize that as well)
or that you just aren't used to it and your current state feels familiar.

It's like I'm afraid of not being able to have goals or get anywhere with life. I don't mean by jobs or physical activities. But for my life my goal has been to get out of depression. So if I succeed in that, then for one thing I won't have a mindset of who I am anymore and won't be able to have any goals. I'm trying to find other interests or goals so I can overcome depression and still have goals but so far haven't found one interesting enough to completely keep my attention.

I can relate very much

Fairly old thread, but I figured it'd be alright to post?

Despite my fears never being as strong as anyone elses, I can somehow relate to this.
Meaning:

Unimportant wrote:I have no trust in myself, so the thought that someone says "There is nothing wrong with you" scares me because I do not want to have to fall back on my own discipline, will power and strength, since I've got none.

^
This is well said, which reminded me of something I managed to come up with while trying to sort my thoughts the other day:

It is way too easy to blame your suffering on external causes, but I hate telling myself I am responsible for my own misery.

I don't mean to offend anybody who might be suffering from these, but I think I'd be cheating somehow if I'd think I was bipolar or severely depressed (haven't yet been diagnosed). On the other hand, I don't want to face the potential fact, that I have caused this depression on myself. That would mean I'd have rely on my own strength and willpower to get me through this phase. I just don't have it what it takes to accomplish such feats.

In short, I want some reason for all this, other than my own incapability.

Kinda off-topic from OP, sorry about that. But I feel I can relate to you in a sense, that I'm not sure if I want to improve myself.