too much hate

well, where to start...first off, this is going to be kind of hard for me because i'm one of those people who really feels like nobody wants to hear what i have to say. i feel like my problems are pretty insignificant, which they are, i know i could be a lot worse but that doesn't change the fact that i'm pretty torn up inside.

ok, well, i tried to write a decent paragraph detailing why i feel so 'unequal' but it all came out wrong cause my thoughts are just alllllll over the goddamn place, it's like my old angry pet cockatiel is in my head all the time squawking and stomping through my thoughts, thats the best way i can put it anyway.
right where was i? oh yeah, so instead of writing a big old life story i'm gonna try and make a list, try and keep them short so as to prevent my messy thoughts from devouring whatever i was trying to say.
1. i constantly catch myself hating this and hating that, and for the dumbest reasons too, even people. i don't like the fact that i hate so many things either. i try to optimistic as much as i can though.
2. i find it very very hard to relate to other people, i even catch myself fantasizing about having friends i can relate to. most of my friends now are (to put it bluntly, i still like them though) either boring or dumb. there are a few people who i do get along splendidly with, though they don't know i'm depressed. i just love weird people.
3. i've been plagued with thoughts of self-hatred a lot lately, i often try to push them someplace else in my head and think about other things. but i can still feel it sort of lingering in the back of my head.
4. i find it very hard to reach out for help, so when i'm out i just put on a happy face and nobody suspects any hint of sadness in me. so i guess it's good that i'm doing this
5. i think about self-harm and suicide almost everyday, have come close to suicide once or twice already. but haven't gone through either of them, thankfully.
thats really all i can think of without going too deep into my own head, which is something i don't really like to do. i'm not even sure if i have depression or some other disorder, i've been thinking of going to a counsellor.

also i don't usually sound so gloomy, most of the time i sound a lot happier, contrary to what i feel most of the time. but i'm in a pretty empty mood right now.

so, what is wrong with me? and what can i do?

Hi

It sounds like life is really difficult for you atm and I am sorry to hear that - and also that you have been thinking about self harming and suicide. I think seeing a counsellor is a very good idea and I also think it would be a good idea to see a Dr to see about medication as this would help you too I think. I have bipolar so do have some experience of depression and I know how awful it is and how bad it makes you feel but with help it can get better - it is reaching out for help that is important and you have started that by posting here.

I hope things improve for you

Cracked