Contemplation.

One of the things that used to scare me most about dying is the concept that there might be actually nothing. It's like when you go to sleep and wake up and have no recollection of the night...there's just nothing in between.

I like the idea of death being a recognizable end to suffering, where one can have an existence free of pain afterwards and move on to a more fulfilling existence.

Personally, I have no idea. I don't know enough to say there is absolutely no higher power, but I don't really believe in one, either. It's just something my conciousness can't come to grips with, and in my current state, I'm not sure I really have the energy to try.

All I know is I'm tired of waking up every morning feeling like this, pretending that I'm ok, pretending that I care about what I do, pretending that it's going to be alright, and hoping that I get mugged in the sketchy neighborhood I live in so that maybe somebody will do the job for me.

As for the void of conciousness concept of death, it scares me less and less all the time. Quite frankly, the idea of not being me anymore doesnt sound so bad. Maybe I'll just do a full stop, everything vanishes, and it's simply over with. No contemplation, no identity, and certainly none of this Hell that I spend every ounce of energy keeping contained.

My mother is 69 years old. The idea of living another 3 or 4 decades is inconceivable, and to think there could be that many more after that. Astounding. I can't even contemplate existing five more months, much less twenty, thirty, fifty years or so?

It feels like a prison sentence.

The fact is, the more I go on, the less the nuances and implications of suicide scare or hinder me. Just about all of it seems like a blessing.

Anymore I dream of a void.

Hi Archangel,

I'm sorry nobody's responded to your post

How are you doing?

ladyswan wrote:Hi Archangel,

I'm sorry nobody's responded to your post

How are you doing?

I'm sorry as well, same concerns D.D. Hope your days are better since then. About 12 years ago (while I was still in high school) I was heavily absorbed in the self-help section of Borders, particularly the death and dying section because I wanted to prep myself for the worst. I know your situation's different, and I wish I had an answer, but, I hope you're feeling better =).

Thank you for writing guys...it's nice to know someone cares, believe me. I always feel nervous posting, and this is really my only outlet...I have no real confidants in real life. Thank you, once again.

I wish I could say I'm doing better, but I'm not. But i appreciate you caring, I really do.

*hugz*

I found that once the depression & morbid thinking set in, all my friends disappeared and there was nobody to talk through this stuff with. It's a double-edged sword.

ladyswan wrote:*hugz*

I found that once the depression & morbid thinking set in, all my friends disappeared and there was nobody to talk through this stuff with. It's a double-edged sword.

Exactly. I think the word "friend" is probably misused a bit in our society. I think most "friends" really aren't the very close, loving kind. I think those are rare indeed.

The worse part is I am there for people when they start talking like that and needing that empathy, but when I need it, there's nothing. And so, you have to put on the face, so that everyone thinks you're ok...it's really the only way not to be entirely alone.

I'm sure you can relate, wearing the mask everyday gets really tiring.

Archangel wrote:The worse part is I am there for people when they start talking like that and needing that empathy, but when I need it, there's nothing. And so, you have to put on the face, so that everyone thinks you're ok...it's really the only way not to be entirely alone.

^That really hit home. It wasn't too long ago that I realized it was happening and put my foot down. My life, while crisis-free most times, can be fairly stressful and it seemed like the only time "friends" would return calls or messages was when they were having a crisis and needed someone to vent at. I stopped calling them altogether and find reasons to cut our communication short now. The fact that I'd rather log onto an anonymous forum and try to be supportive of people here speaks volumes - at least most of the users reciprocate the support!

The worse part is when these friends know that I have to wear a mask, but pretend it isn't there. They're not really friends, they're people I sometimes spend time with or talk to. It ends there.

ladyswan wrote:
^That really hit home. It wasn't too long ago that I realized it was happening and put my foot down. My life, while crisis-free most times, can be fairly stressful and it seemed like the only time "friends" would return calls or messages was when they were having a crisis and needed someone to vent at. I stopped calling them altogether and find reasons to cut our communication short now. The fact that I'd rather log onto an anonymous forum and try to be supportive of people here speaks volumes - at least most of the users reciprocate the support!

The worse part is when these friends know that I have to wear a mask, but pretend it isn't there. They're not really friends, they're people I sometimes spend time with or talk to. It ends there.

Exactly. It's almost like most people are, sadly, just there to distract or entertain, no matter how much more you wish you could cultivate. I guess I wished I lived in a world more honest, where people more plainly stated their intentions. As harsh as it sounds, I'd much rather hear "good luck with that" rather than "I'm here if you need me" if the latter isn't true. I think far too many "friends" claim to be such in an effort to feel noble. Granted, the true friends stand out, but they are so very rare, indeed.

I've said far more in this anonymous forum than I have to any of my "friends" in real life.

And yet, people still marvel at the jaundiced view I have of things...

Archangel wrote: I'd much rather hear "good luck with that" rather than "I'm here if you need me" if the latter isn't true.

Likewise. I'm the type of person who will take a person up on their offer of going out for a coffee, a visit, etc. It took a long time for it to sink in that these people weren't honest, but practicing a form of cognitive dissonance. They rationalized it in their mind as being kind, despite the obvious fact they were lying. I believe people mean well - or at least want to mean well, but the performance they get stuck in make them dishonest. All the world's a stage, right?

During some more depressive times I've judged myself harshly in this light because hiding the depression and negativity from them is a performance as well. Your views are your own, and others might judge them as jaundiced but they're not something you've arrived to lightly. Try to be kind to yourself as much as possible. We're all fallible.

ladyswan wrote:During some more depressive times I've judged myself harshly in this light because hiding the depression and negativity from them is a performance as well. Your views are your own, and others might judge them as jaundiced but they're not something you've arrived to lightly. Try to be kind to yourself as much as possible. We're all fallible.

It's nice to have someone recognize this, thank you. The most common response from others is, "Cheer up!" or "It's not that bad!" or "I thought you were a happy person". They don't understand the nature of this particular beast, and while I try to tell myself they merely don't understand or are just trying to help, I can't help but think that they are really just saying, "I don't want to be bothered with this nonsense". All the more proof that true friends are a rarity.

If it was just a question of feeling blue, or focusing on the negative, most of us would have had this licked years ago.

I think what most people don't understand is that none of us choose to feel this way. We aren't "emo" doing it for attention. We're climbing the mountain, and not everyone makes it to the summit.

And as annoyed as I get at their insensitivity, I wouldn't wish this particular Everest on any of them.