Sisyphus

I'm so tired of this.

I didn't ask for this curse, this sickness. And it ruins everything. It drives people away, it ruins relationships, it makes inner peace impossible. And the solution? Therapy which may or may not work or drugs. IF you can afford either of these.

And let's talk about the drugs. One poison for another. Either you feel depressed and like killing yourself all day long, or you feel more numbed to that but you have those lovely side effects. Maybe you lose your hair. Maybe you shake so bad you can't hold a pencil. Maybe you gain a shitload of weight. Maybe you lose your sex drive.

So yeah. What kind of torture do you feel like dealing with?

I don't expect not to have bad days, or for life to be perfect. But when it's meaningless hell and the best you can hope for is a different colored meaningless hell...one that costs a lot of money, I might add...

What's the point?

It goes without saying I wish I were dead. It's really hard to have that thought in your head every day of your life.

Archangel, I'm sorry you're in so much pain. I've had depressive/anxiety episodes too and I know they're horrible. Is there anything that helps a little bit? Going for a walk, spending time with people you care about or a beloved pet, working out (cardio), anything like that?

How are you?

Hey Archangel,

I'm sorry to hear that your feeling so awful. I know having to cope with depression for a prolonged period of time without much reprieve can make you feel really hopeless and then the hopeless adds to the depression increases it's duration and intensity (which makes the hopeless worse ). With that said, there are many people who have suffered from awful depression for years and have gone on to recover and live great lives. There is hope. Trying any of the following things Jasmin suggested

jasmin wrote:Going for a walk, spending time with people you care about or a beloved pet, working out (cardio)

or talking with someone might help. Please let us know how your doing.

BTW - Albert Camus in "The Myth of Sissyphus" made an interesting remark that we often jump to the conclusion that Sissyphus is miserable because he has to push his boulder up and down a hill for eternity. It's as if we fail to consider that he may enjoy and love it. We just equate meaningless with despair even though most of the things we enjoy are really without meaning (working out, talking with friends, creating art).



It's a heavy boulder but try to imagine him enjoying his work.

jasmin wrote:Archangel, I'm sorry you're in so much pain. I've had depressive/anxiety episodes too and I know they're horrible. Is there anything that helps a little bit? Going for a walk, spending time with people you care about or a beloved pet, working out (cardio), anything like that?

How are you?

Thank you, jasmin. I don't have many friends anymore, many have moved away or are gone. I do excercise regularly, and it helps probably somewhat. I do my best to seek out little pleasures, but this can be overwhelming, as you know.

I always hesitate to write on here because I feel like I'm just whining. But sometimes it helps to just say it, to call it out, because I really don't have any confidants, and most people don't want to hear it. They just don't understand.

Your kind comments mean a lot, Jasmin, thank you. And I hope you're feeling ok, also. The concern is definitely a two way street. ::hug::

-- Tue Apr 03, 2012 8:18 am --

Thank you for writing, Jester, it means a lot. I was mentioning to Jasmin I don't have confidants, so when you guys reply on here, it's very nice to hear. Thank you. It helps to know I'm not alone.

I'm not doing so good, but thank you for asking. Lots of ideation, but I haven't succumbed yet. I'm just so tired, you know?

Interesting note about Sisyphus...I had never considered that perspective...that's a very interesting point to contemplate...

I hope you're doing well, also.

Hey, whenever you feel depressed and in pain, you can write here or PM one of us. It's what I used to do when it was really bad and it helped me get through my depression.
I'm sorry some people have left you, they should know better than that.

Allow me a variant interpretation of the Myth. While Camus proposes that Sisyphus perhaps is content in his daily toil, his actual rhetoric lies in spurring Man to not settle for such an existence.

While the question of human freedom in the metaphysical sense loses interest to the absurd man, he gains freedom in a very concrete sense: no longer bound by hope for a better future or eternity, without a need to pursue life's purpose or to create meaning, "he enjoys a freedom with regard to common rules"

and

To embrace the absurd implies embracing all that the unreasonable world has to offer. Without a meaning in life, there is no scale of values. "What counts is not the best living but the most living."

He finally indicates his answer to the conundrum:

revolt, freedom and passion

To bring down the effigies of the Absurd. To defy set parameters. To rise above enforced and expected mediocrity. To espouse the Divine within.

Passivity and inaction will garner little by way of ascension. The world is what it is because we are what we should not be. After all, isn't society the by-product of our collective neurosis?

We need a purpose as humans, a defining goal. It is better to fight for a False God than no god at all. Fashion your banners Archangel. They will be crutches through the pain.

When the pain lessens, craft your True Cross.

PS- no religious innuendos here, only metaphors.
PPS- Archangel, I read though all your posts. If people shy away from you, their loss. I would be honoured to call you a friend.

It is amazing that you have been depressed and suicidal for the last 2 years. You must have inner strength, because you are still here.