I've stopped living

I hope this is the right forum but I know this has to do with some type of depression. I had a conversation with an old friend that made me realize all of this, although I've felt if for awhile.

My boyfriend was in a bad mood and I was afraid he was upset with me and he was going to take it out on me (I don't mean hitting, he has never hit). I go through a cycle with my boyfriend. He gets upset at me, I get upset at the things he says, I promise I will change, he apologizes, I try for a bit to change, we are happy for awhile, things look up, and then I settle back into old habits and I make no effort to progress in life and he starts getting unhappy again.

He wants me to contribute to the relationship and I don't. That isn't just him claiming I don't, I personally feel like I don't.

He just wants me to be ambitious and want better things. He wants a lot, I want little and it bothers him. I just don't DO anything.

I feel like I am not living. I feel like I am paralyzed. I don't don't the things I should do and I can't get myself to even do the things I want to. I just get stuck in front of the computer looking at stupid $#%^ that doesn't matter. I even think to myself that this isn't what I want to do but I find myself sitting there anyway. ALL DAY. I've gotten to a point where I don't eat all day either. I just can't get up and do it. I used to think it was because I lived with my boyfriend in his sisters place where it was small and dirty all the time but we moved and I still don't do it. I made myself sick a few weeks ago because I didn't eat or drink anything. When I started feeling sick I tried to eat some raw broccoli and then I just got super nauseous. I put off going to the bathroom until I can't anymore. I don't ever leave my room (that doesn't have any windows because it is in a basement). I know this isn't good for me but I can't get myself to change it. And to be perfectly honest, my lizard is probably starving but I can't get myself to feed him. I hate it!

My old friend tried to convince me that maybe I shouldn't be in a relationship and I am losing sense of myself and I am not in control of my will anymore. He seems to think it is my boyfriend but I don't think it is. I tried to explain that way before we started dating I would get a book and read and I would do exactly what I said earlier about not eating or going to the bathroom until I absolutely had to. Except at that time I was still at home and my mom would make me come in and eat and she would look after me. I remember her telling me one night after I had been on the computer for hours that she was worried about me and she didn't want me to become a recluse.

When I hit teenage years I started losing the feeling of happiness and never felt that pure feeling of excitement anymore. Everything felt the same and the emotions I did feel always were faint. Unless they were sadness, loneliness, hopelessness, etc.

My dad has depression and recently went through a breakdown which lead him to finally get some real help. He seem much more active, and much more alive. He doesn't get upset when my mom gets impatient with his hearing. He doesn't immediately fly off the handle.

I feel like that could be me! I feel like if I went and got help I could be set on the right track. I could move again and then start figuring out who I am and what I want. My boyfriend gets mad at me when I say this though even though he loves psychology. He feels like I am blaming all my problems on some "disorder" and that wanting a pill to make it all better is unrealistic and it isn't the problem. He tries to tell me that I can do things at home to help depression like exercise, eat right, supplements, and self-help books. But he doesn't understand! I don't want to be this way, I want to be better. But I can't get myself to do it! I can't move! I am stuck! I do those things for maybe a day and then I become a zombie again.

My friend essentially told me the same thing. That a pill or person can't tell me who I am or solve me. I just want somebody to understand and nobody does. It kills me. I want somebody to understand it or try to the best they can and support it instead of making me feel like a hypochondriac and dumb for wanting a pill.

So I am turning to you guys. Does anyone else know what this is like? Maybe someone has gone through something similar where people didn't believe they really had something wrong with them that maybe counseling or medicine can fix?

I know I should get help but I can't get myself to do that either. And when I finally force myself, I can't get a hold of any psychiatrist or they aren't taking new patients. Where do I go? What do I do now?

Hey, I think that I do know what you are going through, but I will keep this response brief: If you want a chance to live a good, happy life, then you have to drop everything that you currently have held in your mind and embrace 'the new life' that awaits you. Drop all pre-conceived ideas about doctors, medication, relationships, family, etc, and see this as the start of the rest of your life.

In order to get to a psychiatrist, you should first go through a regular/local doctor (general practitioner). He/she can then refer you to a counsellor, psychologist, therapist, or psychiatrist. The doctor can also prescribe medication that can assist you in your recovery, but you certainly do'nt have to be taking the medication 'forever'. Think of it as a crutch, like one that a pesron with a broken leg uses. The point is: it's a temporary measure to help you recover from injury. in the case of depression, the injury is mental, not physical.

Although your father has depression, it doesn't imply that you were always going to. Yes, it might mean that you are more susceptible than the average person, but a positive life can still be lived. This leads me onto my next point: is there a chance that there is a physical basis/problem lurking behind this depressive state? A poor diet can result in depression, for example. Going to yuor doctor will mean that you can also get this cleared up...

Just make the appointment by telephoning the doctor's secretary and then put the date/time into your schedule.

Take care and please let me know how it goes
Kevin

I feel like it is really hard to just let go of it all.

I never really thought of going to a regular doctor first though. I guess that's what my dad did and he was on the prescription his regular doctor called out for years without seeing an actual psychiatrist or counselor. It would probably be easier to get in with them and with their referral, into a psychiatrists or counselors office. It just seems like when I call them directly, no one is there and I find it kind of upsetting because at that point I am already upset and crying. When I reach out for help, no one is there. I tried my old psychiatrist but it had been so long since I have seen her that the receptionist told me I would be counted as a new patient and no one in that office was seeing new patients.

Yea, the diet isn't helping. I joke that I am on the college diet. Frozen pizza, ramen noodles, and fast food. SOOOO UNHEALTHY. But I share a kitchen and I feel like I can't go up there and cook my own meals so my boyfriend and I eat out all the time. I try to buy myself apples and bananas and I eat those in the morning and then I normally don't eat until late that night.

I just can't get up and get myself to eat sometimes. And I can't get myself to take the supplements that could be helping me. Part of the reason I feel like going to a professional would help is because if I had to answer to them, then I would feel like I really need to do it then.

I can't take it though. Nobody believes me. I just had a big fight with my boyfriend this morning when I tried telling him that I don't know what I want anymore. Not just with a job (which he was pushing me to make my mind up on) but I don't even know what I want to eat, what I want for Christmas, what I want to do for fun. He got mad at me and said that can't be and it must be because I have low self-esteem and because I'm scared. Scared I won't like it, scared it won't be the right decision. Which maybe true but at the time I didn't feel like it was and I tried to explain the feeling of everything being blank when I try to think of what I want to eat. Like, I want to eat but I don't want anything. Nothing sounds good until he goes through a list and even then it doesn't sound THAT good. He said that is stupid and I'm just being scared.

When I pointed out how he is so into psychology but he doesn't believe me on this he tried to believe it and then he said he couldn't think of anything that would be so debilitating that I couldn't concentrate or I would be drawing blanks on what I want. Unless I was mentally handicapped. Essentially I felt he was calling me retarded and attacking me the whole time. He did call me an idiot at some point and say he was mad because he felt like I didn't have the mental capacity to understand what we were talking about.