The tale of my life.

First post, and it went to the wrong place. Damn!

Hmm.. How should i begin this? Let's start from my second memory (or at least i think it is). I woke up in the middle of the night crying because i felt that someone was torturing me with a whip. I still remember the sound of the whip, but then i realized that the sound came from another source. It was my mother screaming in pain and terror because my father was beating the s"#% out of her. But every scream hurt me, and i stayed awake listening in agony and petrified by fear.

This was the first of many scars i would get during my childhood. For some reason it made a great impact on me, to have to watch things like this going in our home, and my mother wasn't the only one who got her share of the physical and mental violence. I don't want to go much deeper in the beginning of this story, but a story needs some background, right?

I've suffered from depression since i was 8, maybe even at a younger age but it's hard to tell. I hid it very well for years, even from myself and wore a mask of false happiness. But at the age of 15 the mask began to crumble.

This was a time when i got so fed up with life that i didn't see any other choice but to end it, but i wanted to go out with a bang so to speak. My mother's credit card helped alot on the bang part. I was throwing money at every direction and used my last living hours like a king. When i got back home it was time. Time to die. "Open the gas valves and seal the room!"

I woke up caughing and opened my eyes. My father was holding me in his lap. Suicide attempt 1:failed.

I can imagine what my dad was thinking. He probably wanted to kill me because i wasted all their money, and at the same time felt relief from the fact that he just saved my life. there's a mindf"#¤ for ya!

After this incident i was put in a mental institution, they said it was gonna be for 2 months. they let me out after 2,5 years. Reason: they had to let me go as a hopeless case. I tried my best to play by their rules because i wanted to get out of that place, it was killing me. But this had no effect. After when i gave up hope and started acting like a total S%!head they let me go. suicide attempts 2,3 and 4 happened during this hellish 2,5 years of my life.

Life as an adult seemed to be wonderful as a kid and i was anxious to grow up, but when u really get to live it, it's not quite what you expected from it. But i survived, made a living. Even found a woman for myself. Everything was so well but the darker part of my mind kept telling me otherwise. I destroyed my relationship, quit my job and threw everything away. When i woke up from this.. psychosis i tried to put the pieces back together but it was too late. Oh, and suicide attempt 5 came for a visit with a couple of bags of charcoal.

Time passed, and i noticed that people really do learn to live with the past, and i was one of those people. I started over, and coped, even if i felt totally miserable.

Now i'm going to sound like a broken record, so i'll make this short as possible. Got a job, found a girl, moved together, oh the love, bad thoughts came, all in ruin again.

Suicide attempt 6 was a little barbecue party in the bathroom... again.

I had to move to my parents because i had nowhere else to go.
And nothing had changed.
After a month my father threatened to kill me with an axe, and i guess i'm lucky that i survived that evening. This event was too much for my already weary mind, and i popped. I wanted revenge. I wanted to show my father how it feels when somebody threatens your life. How it feels to watch in to the axe holder's eyes. And that's what i did. I scared him good. I didn't even touch him, but i saw the fear in his eyes. And i knew my work was done.

Now i'm at my sister's place typing this, counting the days for my trial for attempted manslaughter. Thanks dad. No home, no friends, no happiness, only debt and depression. Oh, and possible jailtime.

I'm 24 years old, i've got a pet cat named Tepa and i'm a really nice guy! Oh, and i've been depressed all my life, and it has destroyed me over and over again..

Thank you for reading the short version of my story.

Hi, Shroomyjones, welcome to the forum! Maybe this will be an opportunity to get some good therapy and start to heal from everything that you've been through. You didn't mean to kill anyone, you just wanted to make your father see what it feels like. You could tell them that at the trial and ask for help.
I'm sorry you had such an abusive childhood, no kid deserves it.
You are still very young, you'll be able to put your life back together!

Thanks for your understanding. I know what i gotta do to make things better, but it will be difficult to get back on my own feet. I really want to live and gather as much experiences as possible, and so far it has been quite a ride. Even the possibility of jailtime doesn't seem to bother me. It could be a good chance to buff up a little and hone my guitar skills to the max. So whatever happens, it'll be an acceptable option.

The time we are given is limited, use it well. Why try to end it prematurely?

You could consider therapy as a better option than prison Who knows, you might get hurt in there. I hope the judge will be understanding.

got so many bad experiences from therapy that my expections for it's usefulness aren't too high, but i'm gonna still give it a try. Might look good in court too if i'm seeking help for my non-existent anger problems.

I have had a very bad experience with it too, but you have to keep trying, especially under your circumstances. Let me know how it's going for you! How are you today, by the way?

how am i today? that's a difficult question to answer because there are so many things that can fit in one day. but at this particular moment i feel great! and i can say that the other moments what i've experienced today have been mostly pleasant, thanks for asking! What about you? has life treated you the way you wanted it to this particular day?

True, a lot can fit in a day! I'm glad yours is good, mine is too so far lol

i can't get anything done. I can't get an appartment, i can't take care of my pet or myself, even eating requires a lot of effort. Every moment is spiritual agony. i'm just a parasite feeding off my family members. I have failed in almost everything i've tried to accomplish. I''m not scared of losing, i'm ######6 sick of it. I know i'm a failure, there's no reason to even try anymore. What's the point in building when you know it's going to collapse? The frustration, anger and depression that you get from it? I've had enough. Everything i see is evil, every person seems to be full of pain. It's everywhere, you can't escape it. It shines from the walls, it has contaminated the air. It's burning my skin and strangling my intestines. Is this hell? Even if you die, your grief and pain survives and lives on in others. hundreds of generations of pain. Oh what a world, how can you cope with all this $#%^?

You've been surviving so far and you've been making an effort. That is what really matters. The future must seem bleak now but you can't really know what will happen. I'm sorry, I don't mean to be insensitive, it's just that I went through a lot of stuff for a few years and now things are looking up for me. I was beyond scared of failing, of getting hurt, of being harassed too but if you keep going things have to change.
Not everyone is full of pain, you won't be forever either.