23 years is long enough

I should start by saying that I'm a 23 year old introverted socially backward creature who has never, in his entire life been in a relationship, had a girlfriend or been embraced by anyone that isn't family. Although never diagnosed I strongly suspect aspergers but perhaps that's just my narcassim talking. Solitude is such a part of me I can't imagine myself any other way. About 6 months ago, just after my 23rd birthday, I woke and realised my life was meaningless and decided to kill myself, but me being me I had to plan out exactly how to do so. Eventually I couldn't find a good way (which I won't go into because it's rather lengthy) and decided to seek companionship instead.

Now bearing the above in mind because this is the perspective that I approached the woman which, to all intents and purposes, I regarded as being perfect, she was funny, smart, very attractive and she seemed to genuinely care about me. I met her online and wasn't particuarly bothered about the stigma such relationships tend to have, I enjoyed being with her and that was enough.

Last week we were going to meet up and this had been planned in advance by both of us, personally I was really looking forward to it and I thought she was too. About an hour before the designated time (after I left my house to get there) she sent me a text saying she wasn't going to be there. Okay fair enough, but when I tried to call her she ignored me and after hours of trying eventually gave up. That was five days ago and I haven't heard from her since despite repeated attempts.

Now in comparison to other tales I've been reading in the interim this really isn't anything, but imagine if you had no experience with women at all and this was your first. I found it devestating to say the least because it seemed so needlessly cruel to wave happieness in my face for a few brief moment before snatching it away at the last possible second like always. I would actually have preffered it if she had stood me up because then at least I would undeniably know she wasn't showing up, right now I feel like I'm in limbo.

The past few days have been littered with meaningless events, a job that I hate and the ominpresent feeling that I destroyed the one chance of happieness I have been offered since I was much younger. I blame myself for reasons that I can't convey whilst fuelling my self loathing in the process, it's a vicious cycle and I hate myself for it. Perhaps she wasn't the cause but certainly she was the trigger and I have no idea what to do with myself.

I've been bleak before, but nothing like this and never has my drinking been so bad either. In my youth I was depressed due to my isolation resulting in frequent encounters with the Smaraitans but as I matured I just accepted that as part of myself, now I feel like I just saw myself for who I really am, a person so beneath contempt they warrent no compassion whatsoever. I even reconsidered my athiesm recently due to the fact that there certainly seems to be a god, one that's having a huge laugh dumping
all over me.

I imagine that's why I chose a career in computers because they're logical and I can understand them, people on the other hand confuse me no end, yet I yern after companionship nonetheless. The past events have shaken my faith in people so badly that I basically stopped eating and can barely stand up without passing out, my drinking has gone through the roof and I have reason to exist. I wasn't even sure if this was relevant with regards to the current forum but in comparison it seemed rather inconsequential - simply put I have no idea what to do with myself. I got over (or at least I thought I did) my sucicdal tendancies years ago, but they're back with a vengeance and I feel like somehow I'm not worth it because my trauma is not sufficent to earn such measures.

Regardless I'm at my wits end and I can't keep this up. 23 years of isolation has ultimately driven me to despair and I can but blame myself which just makes everything worse, I guess I just don't deserve what everyone else takes for granted, simple, honest companionship.

I am sorry to hear what happened and that you are struggling so. You do deserve companionship and you will get it. It was a cruel knockback but anyone who behaves in that manner does not deserve you. We all have bumps on the way when it comes to relationships and when you are vulnerable these can seem way worse. Please look after yourself and be careful with the drinking, it can make things worse even tho I know it does provide temporary release from everything. Keep posting we are listening

Cracked

Cracked, you certainly aren't the first to comment on my drinking as my co-workers have noticed as well but I don't particuarly care what they think as I can't sleep without a drink. Not that it's restful sleep as I wake up more tired than when I drifted off and I feel ashamed to find myself in the morning cradling an empty bottle of whiskey. But I can't sleep at all lately as I'm constantly waiting for something to happen yet knowing nothing ever does, I'm stressed and tense without knowing why and if I'm lucky I'll sleep for five hours a night.

I have since tried to phone said woman again, only this time I witheld my number, she answered within the first two rings, despite me trying to call her all last week. I didn't know what to do (what could I have done?) so I just hung up. I felt like I should have got angry or asked her what was going on but instead I left it and sat in darkness wondering what to do. I wanted to cry but it felt like I had forgotten how which made me feel like an automaton that had overstayed its use.

I've been trying to get lost in my work, anything to keep myself busy, but with the weekend stretching ahead like an abyss I don't know what to do except sit in solitude and try and forget myself. My only reward for battling through another pointless, overcast and ultimately futile day is the opportunity to live through it again like a broken record endlessly repeating.

I used to immerse myself in literature but even delving into the Conan mythos just reminds me that everyone else is doing something whilst I'm standing still. I can't even go outside because all I see are people flaunting their happieness in my face and making me feel miserable because of it. It seems that everyone else is hoarding happieness leaving me only bitterness and isolation. I know that's not true but the realisation doesn't help in the slightest.