Up until a couple of weeks ago I still had some optimism. I thought, if I keep trying, I will find someone to love me. If I keep trying, I can fight my way out of this. I'll get a job and everything will be fine. But then I met someone I really liked who basically had sex with me then dumped me and ever since then I've relapsed. I am now addicted to painkillers again after getting off them and being off them for several years.
I just can't see a point anymore. There are positive things - I am making new friends and they seem like really great people who care about me and value me, and for that I'm thankful, and I will do my best to hold onto them and keep them in my life. And I seem to be getting over my shyness. I can go out now and meet people and talk to them without being afraid. But still...
I can't help feeling that no one will ever really love me. I'm in my thirties now and whenever I go out I just don't feel like men notice me anymore. I fought so hard to be clean and free of drugs and where did it get me really? I was healthier, okay, but all the old feelings I used drugs to escape came rushing back. And now this thing with men and my lack of career...
Men don't really seem interested or even want to talk to me, when I go out or on dating sites either. Whenever I meet someone I think I might like they just want to use me to get to other women or have sex with me and dump me. And the thought of starting again with my career - it makes me want to die, seriously. Having to start at the beginning again with a bunch of people ten years younger than me? It's so humiliating.
I try to stay positive and focus on other things but I just can't. If no one is ever going to truly love me why should I bother getting a stable job? Why should I bother staying off drugs and being healthy? What is the point, seriously?
I just feel like I'm at the end now. All that hard work, that struggling and struggling for months and months, for what? Nothing. Nothing has changed - if anything things are WORSE now. I'm so depressed, so disappointed. I don't know. I haven't been this depressed in a long, long time.
Can anyone out there relate to me at all?