Can't get motivated anymore

Up until a couple of weeks ago I still had some optimism. I thought, if I keep trying, I will find someone to love me. If I keep trying, I can fight my way out of this. I'll get a job and everything will be fine. But then I met someone I really liked who basically had sex with me then dumped me and ever since then I've relapsed. I am now addicted to painkillers again after getting off them and being off them for several years.

I just can't see a point anymore. There are positive things - I am making new friends and they seem like really great people who care about me and value me, and for that I'm thankful, and I will do my best to hold onto them and keep them in my life. And I seem to be getting over my shyness. I can go out now and meet people and talk to them without being afraid. But still...

I can't help feeling that no one will ever really love me. I'm in my thirties now and whenever I go out I just don't feel like men notice me anymore. I fought so hard to be clean and free of drugs and where did it get me really? I was healthier, okay, but all the old feelings I used drugs to escape came rushing back. And now this thing with men and my lack of career...

Men don't really seem interested or even want to talk to me, when I go out or on dating sites either. Whenever I meet someone I think I might like they just want to use me to get to other women or have sex with me and dump me. And the thought of starting again with my career - it makes me want to die, seriously. Having to start at the beginning again with a bunch of people ten years younger than me? It's so humiliating.

I try to stay positive and focus on other things but I just can't. If no one is ever going to truly love me why should I bother getting a stable job? Why should I bother staying off drugs and being healthy? What is the point, seriously?

I just feel like I'm at the end now. All that hard work, that struggling and struggling for months and months, for what? Nothing. Nothing has changed - if anything things are WORSE now. I'm so depressed, so disappointed. I don't know. I haven't been this depressed in a long, long time.

Can anyone out there relate to me at all?

I'm so sad that I want to cry, I want to bawl my eyes out... But then I realise... That's pointless too. There's no point even in crying.

I can relate. I had 4 suicide attempts and did permanent damage to myself so I know how you feel.
I felt the same way about being unable to find love but never concerned myself with trying to find ways to love others. I don't blame myself, I just didn't realize how much it would help me.
That was only part of the problem, I needed to get clean and sober to find anti-depressants that would help me.
Although I rarely have bad days anymore I still have motivational issues. It helped to set my goals lower.Society may tell you to reach for the stars but that 's a bunch of crap. I don't see those people as being very content.
My personal advice-try doing some volunteer work, forget about meeting guys until you feel better. And if you can get off the pain killers. I'm just telling you what worked for me and from reading your post I was in much worse shape than yourself. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to minimize the pain you are going through, just saying there's always hope.

It is not rational to think that you will never find love, and it seems you were doing alright up until you started to think that you are unlovable. 30's is still very young, half your life. Also, you have friends...they probably love you. You might have family that loves you. Most importantly, do you love yourself? I agree, without love life is pointless, but you also seem to be seeking it externally rather than internally. Besides, being loved isn't all that great-to love someone is what is great.

Being addicted to painkillers itself is likely helping you stay depressed.

You didn't have something proper to help you cope when you were dumped, so you turned to what you knew, even though turning to whatever it is you take has a high chance of relapse. What helped you get out of being an addict in the first place? Is that not something that you can lean on again now?

There's never a point unless you think there's a point. I cry because it is emotional release, and the release itself is pleasant.

Since I wrote that I have come to the realisation that in order to be at least somewhat happy with my life I have to let go of the idea of romantic love and just accept that it will probably never happen. I am really happy to have made so many new friends, though, and for now that is enough. I feel very excited to get to know them all better and happy that they are willing to get to know me better. I also feel glad that there are so many people out there willing to make new friends. I used to think people out there had all the friends they wanted and didn't want to get to know me and it would make me very depressed. Now I know better..

You are right about the painkillers. They are not really helping me... It's just so hard to let them go. I keep telling myself this week will be the week I ween off completely... But it never happens. I always come back to these same thoughts - you have no love of your life, no children, no career - society lied to you - none of it really exists, or it's out of your reach anyway - what is the point. Might as well keep taking them.

Honestly at this point now I can't remember how I got off them in the first place :/ Probably still had some hope for the future.

Hi Angie -

I'm new to the forums and to this thread.

Read your posts and they made me very sad... It sounds like you are/were having a tough time. I hope that things are better now. Your last post made it sound like you were having success finding friends - that's great! Making friends can be hard at any age, but I think it can be especially hard when we get into our 30s and older. (I'm in my late 40s.)

My piece of semi-unsolicited advice: stop the painkillers right away. Do whatever it takes. Flush them down the toilet or dispose of them some other way, and tell your doctor(s) you have a problem. If you can, tell your friends about the problem... Or, find a new friend who can be the friend you tell, if you're worried about telling your current friends. (My guess, though, is that your current friends won't judge you-- they'll want to help if you ask for help, or they'll just be supportive).

Easier said than done, I know.

I struggle with depression. Sometimes it just hits for no reason; other times it seems like it's connected to events in my life or thoughts I'm having. I've been through many different medications; in the end, they all seem to produce few positive results. (I did have a short period on a new medication that felt amazing, for a whole month-- I was energetic, positive, etc. -- had a real vision of what life could be like. May have just been a placebo effect, but it was great while it lasted.)

Anyway. Good for you for sharing. I hope you're finding support with your friends.

HF

Hi,

just wanted to comment on this --

Henry Flowers wrote:My piece of semi-unsolicited advice: stop the painkillers right away.

Depending on what sort of painkillers they are, stopping them cold turkey MIGHT be dangerous. While I understand the cleansing appeal of the act -- throw them in the toilet, flush, done -- it is a better idea to discuss it with a doctor and find out how to make the withdrawal as easy as possible in the circumstances.

Good point, Oliveira... I do think it's important to stop ASAP, but you should definitely consult a professional.