Start off to the new year

I'm having suicidal ideations . The urge is so strong. I am only staying alive because of my mother. She is the only one who cares and loves me. I am only living for her and have been for a while.

Besides my mother I do not know what love is or what it feels like, I do not feel it for anyone nor do i feel it from anyone. I feel totally empty, no ambition, no goals, just rage and isolation. I feel so worthless, like everyone is better than me. So I cut and cut and sit here with this hopelessness and desperation, trying to find love, hope, or truth in anything but everything is black and opaque, a miserable existence that does not mean anything.

Hi,
I just happened to read some of your other posts and I noticed that they're over six months old. I'm sorry you're still in so much pain after all this time and that you're mood is probably getting even worse, since I've never read a post written by you mentioning suicidal ideation before.
I'd like to be able to give you some advice on how to get back on your feet but I'm in the same boat as you (I could relate to some of the things you've mentioned about yourself in your older posts), even though my desire to end my life is nothing more than a recurrent thought at the moment. However, five years ago I've seen it as a real option on a specific occasion and that pain is sometimes still vivid. Depression, either caused by a single major event or being the result of a lifelong, unhealthy thinking pattern, can affect greatly one's ability to think straight. This is why I think you should turn to someone for help and tell them your problem (which is something you've already done by writing this and other posts), someone whose ability to make rational decisions is not impaired by this kind of mental illness. Believe me, there's pretty good odds that many options are available for you right now that do not imply committing suicide and you've never considered them, but someone else can help you take a deeper look at your current situation. So, here's my advice: talk to someone who wouldn't dismiss your problems, possibly someone whose emotional involvement in your life and wellbeing wouldn't affect their ability to offer unbiased advice (a professional would obviously be the best choice). The informations you provided in this post are vague and I can't come up with a possible solution. Also, human contact plays an important role in these situations, so do not limit yourself to seeking advice on the internet: establishing a relationship and talking through your problems with someone you trust can help you even more. I don't know how bad your mood is at the moment and I'm not trained to diagnose people, but I think you should seek help as soon as possible.
Best wishes.

Thanks. I don't have anyone to talk to about this besides my mother, I don't have any close friends. But I am planning on calling my psychiatrist first thing Monday morning. I feel completely isolated from the world, I don't even have online friends. I just feel like I am worthless and everyone is better than me. Nobody cares. I am shutting down.

I also forgot to mention that I did get better around August, but my depression has recently returned.

We're your online friends and we care.

I think it's a good idea to call your psychiatrist on Monday. I hope you are safe until then. If you do not feel safe, call or even go to A&E and tell them you are suicidal. Think about your mother -- think about all the good things that await you. No matter how you feel right now remember things can and will get better.

Big hugs. Please keep us posted.

Thanks. I am feeling slightly better tonight after getting out of the house and doing some errands with my mother. I have to find my inner peace and self acceptance, this anger and hatred has consumed me for so long along with the isolation.