Slowly but surely

I'm slowly recovering from depression. It's a daily battle but, compared to where I was in June of this year, I've come a long way... Much quicker than some and I wish you all the best. From dissociation to fearing my intrusive thoughts, to coming to peace with my mind and learning to befriend my symptoms rather than fear them... I've truly come a long way. The only thing I battle nowadays are the spur-of-the-moment depressive thoughts... When I see anyone, anyone at all, my mind says "Why are they so happy? They're going to die someday." I can't seem to wrap my mind around what it's like to die. Basically, I've been having an existential crisis... a "Quarter-life crisis" as my therapist says. I'm 24, by the way. There are a lot of pressures in this world and I truly don't see the point in anything as I'm going to die someday, anyways.
I'm not religious. I don't believe in heaven. I believe that when I die, I just die. I'm gone, that's it.. And that's probably a somewhat depressing way to look at things. At least, if I believed in an afterlife, I'd go through life happier.. I'd die thinking there was an afterlife and if there wasn't, I wouldn't know.

It's a difficult thing to wrap my mind around. What doesn't help is my depression shifts perspective. My mind says "Everyone you love is going to die, so why not kill them now?" Intrusive thoughts are only thoughts.. I know this now after battling them for so long.

Tomorrow I start Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.. although I've been doing it a bit on my own. My counselor and psychiatrist are very proud of me. Although I don't usually see my own strength or intelligence, they've let me know time and time again that I am going to get through this... that I think of huge things, live and death, the universe, etc.. because I'm of a higher intelligence. Someday, I hope to believe this about myself rather than need constant reassurance.

I suppose I just posted here to let people know that there is a way out. And although I'm sure I'll have my bad days, they're less bad than they were and that's recovery to me. Hang in there! And if anyone needs anyone to vent to, I'm here.

I am sorry nobody responded to you. On the off chance you come back and look at this, thanks for your encouragement!

That's good that you can share your experience, hope, and progress. If someone not in your position tried telling them that it wouldn't help nearly as much.

I understand where you are coming from. I too am slowly but surely recovering from a terrible depression after a psychotic episode. Right now I don't even feel like writing these words but I know that if I get it out in word form, I will feel better. I am sooooo much better than I was in the summer but I still struggle with the pain of knowing what true depression feels like. Like the kind of depression where you don't have interest in anything. The kind of depression where you feel no emotions, neither good nor bad. It was so awful. At least now, I'm back to work and busy all day long but most mornings I wake up feeling dread at having to face life again. The day usually gets better and I'm content at night right before I go to bed. I too have intrusive thoughts, like "I'm not happy, I'm not happy, I'm not happy" ad nauseum. I believe in God and that was one of the things that left me during my depression. I understand how hard it is to see no meaning in life and to continue on living. But even without a God, there is still goodness and you seem to experience goodness. Perhaps make the meaning in your life the state of feeling good?

I'm bipolar, so at times, I have felt as if life has such intense meaning and is so exceedingly beautiful. To go from such a state to state of depression was a serious shock to my system. I had no interest in anything save smoking and sleeping. I slept for 14 hours a day. I didn't smile or laugh for 6 months. Today, I smiled and laughed the same amount as a normal person and it felt so good. I have only been sleeping 10 hours a day and I'm productive and a member of society again, not an invalid. I just want to be happy like I was in the past when I was stable. Reading these words is making me feel better as if I'm someone else bc I'm able to see the meaning in other people's lives just not my own sometimes. I am grateful that I am feeling so much better but I'm just anxious to feel that warm buzz of loving life. I love that special kind of head buzz you get when you are feeling good and your spirit is soaring. For f's sake (I dunno if you can swear here because this is my first post?), I want my spirit to soar again!