A Tunnel Without A Light

Wow, this is tough...I'm used to being on the other side of the sounding board. But I know when I've been licked, and when it's time to go public.

I've been coping with bipolar disorder for 20 years, but that's not the problem. From May 2014 until the early weeks of August 2014, I was trapped bedridden by an illness that my physician still hasn't named. High fevers and a basic inability to move kept me in my small and somewhat tight bedroom for all of that time. I realize that this situation would depress anyone, but I was despondent. My family rallied around me, but basically I was still alone, with no one but myself for company.

I'd never been through anything like it in my life--and believe me, it's lingering, even if I have considerable mobility back. I'm still physically weak. Basically, this is my primary issue--I'm just not bouncing back, not even to the level I'd been maintaining. I'm not feeling, I'm not enjoying. I mean just to go outside again does register with me--but maybe not as much as I would have thought. Why? Why can't I bounce back? Was the summer so terrible that I can't escape its shadow? That's basically how I feel--that I'm living in the shadow of this horrible experience and I just can't get back into the light.

Of course there's an added complication. Before getting sick I had been on a faithful lithium regimen for twenty years. But once the illness hit nothing--really, nothing--could stay on my stomach. My doctor told me to nix any medicines, and I hesitantly complied. Now what happened is interesting--at first I discovered, much to my surprise, that I could stay level (or at least not go manic) without the lithium, a test I'd feared for two decades. Over the course of time I came to realize that my body (especially my kidneys) felt so much better--that, and the other medications I have taken to stay level were seemingly enough to control tipping manic.

Unfortunately, depression is dominating my life--but it's not because of a meds adjustment or anything like it. I'm this far down naturally, because I went through an illness that still refuses to let me go. Anyone would feel this way--maybe not so extreme, but close enough. And I think, I can't be the only person to have experienced this. How do you break free from the long shadows of sickness without piling on the meds? Is it just a question of time? How much time? And how much more time do I have to sacrifice to this experience?

I'm sad and alienated and wondering if there are any answers, so any input would be treasured.

I am sorry nobody responded to you.

I think you need to hang in there. I was diagnosed with a rare disease several years ago, and was in a similar position that you are now. I too began to think of suicide, and became increasingly depressed. It eventually went into remission, and here I am.

You need to hang in there, do whatever it takes to maintain until you are feeling better again. Our surroundings and feeling do massive damage to our psyche if they are bleak, and I think that is what is happening here.

If this site is anything like Facebook people won't read more than a paragraph.
Anyway, it took me 2 years of trying different medications and ECT's before I finally stumbled on the right combination. For me it was Effexor and Lamotragine. The Effexor by itself didn't do much and the same with the latter. Together they work great. In my case I had to get sober first since I was drinking way too much.