Tired *triggering*

Hi all,

Just to warn in advance that this will probably end up being a long rambly rant of sorts. I've been diagnosed with depression and on Citalopram since September 2012 (which has been increased to 30mg in the past month). I've still had the usual bad days of not getting out of bed all day on my days off from work, the odd migraine here and there, etc, but have been doing my best to maintain a positive attitude when around others so as not to create an atmosphere with those I work with/am friends with. Despite feeling pretty awful 'behind closed doors', I thought I was doing my job to an acceptable standard and not letting my personal life affect my professional one.
However, following an absence due to a particularly bad migraine, my manager cut my hours from the usual 40 to 20 the following week. She also asked to speak to me (today) in regards to my work performance. Apparently my attitude is not up to scratch and I have 'changed' since last June. I'll admit that there have been a few days where I haven't been in the best mood, but I have always done my best to make sure that this doesn't affect anyone else. She said that not only the management but other members of my team have remarked on this.
What angers me is that not one of them have addressed me personally about this. I've mentioned to a few of my closer colleagues about my personal problems, but now it feels like I'm gossip fodder for them. When I told some about my upcoming meeting with the manager regarding my work performance, they all acted 'surprised' to my face. I feel like I can't trust any of them now, that they are all speaking about me and judging me behind my back, which is really triggering for me. I had the beginnings of a panic attack today because of the thought of it, no matter how much I told myself that it was and is probably somewhat irrational.
I've come out home now feeling urges to hurt myself (which unfortunately I have begun to do), and the horrible voice is starting to gain momentum, drowning out my voice of reason and rationality. I'm just so exhausted of this daily internal battle with myself. I don't know what to do anymore, my work life was the only thing that was keeping me in some sort of routine; getting me out of the house. Now I feel like I have nothing left.
Seeing as my depression has affected my work, I could possibly sign off for a few weeks, but I don't know if it would help me considering my track record of spending my days off in bed. I'm on the meds, but at this rate I'll probably have to increase them/change them again. I'm also on a waiting list for CBT, with no estimated time-frame for my first appointment thus far. Apologies again for the really ridiculously long post, I just don't know what to do - I can't carry on the way I am at work; I am trying to improve but it is so tiring and impossible at the moment. I really want to give in today.

I think you've had some really crappy management there. It's not acceptable to save issues up and then "address" them by cutting hours and giving indirect feedback about attitude. Whatever that means. A professional manager would have had some informal chats LONG ago and made concrete suggestions about what could be changed. Like "I noticed you haven't said good morning to anyone when coming in this week. Is something going on for you at the moment?" and then following up on that. I'm not necessarily surprised about the team not talking to you personally. Sometimes it's hard to know what to say. Or to feel like I might be insensitive for suggesting something is "wrong" in the first place. But that's what managers are FOR, to have that kind of conversation.

Which makes me wonder if anyone else in your team actually has said anything. Or if your manager is uncomfortable basing this off her own opinion, so is trying to make it seem more general. Could you ask a non-work friend about it? It probably won't help very much either way but at least you'd have a better idea of what's going on.

And, sorry, I'm all questions. Have you talked to your doctor about the self-harm? It might help them reprioritise you up the CBT list. It's very difficult to stop once it's started and this is just the right time for them to really help on this front. Probably too optimistic. CBT services are so stretched everywhere. But not even having a date or estimate is tough. Hang in there.

Thank you for the response, Ada.

It's not so much the fact that my performance has dropped, it's my manager's anger at my so-called 'last-minute' absence. I did try to reason with her that I had been on a late shift (11pm finish) the night before and felt fine, but called at the earliest possible convenience (6am - no one at the restaurant where I work usually arrives until 6.30am), thus giving her 2 hours before I was due to start at 8am. I tried to say that I didn't think it acceptable to call someone at 5 in the morning to say I was sick but she just talked over me.

She's now written a note on my file about it, but it all makes me out to be the bad guy, even though I did mention during the meeting that I have some personal issues. I don't know, it's a stupid job anyway; one that I have wanted to leave since I started there one and a half years ago. Unfortunately I just don't have the motivation to look for anything else at the moment. I've tried on numerous occasions but every time I just get this sickness in my stomach and my thoughts just tell me that I can't do it, I'm not good for anything else, why would anyone want to hire me when all I have is experience in low-paid jobs?

Sorry, I'm going off on a rant again. I'm planning on seeing my doctor again tomorrow, am thinking of trying new medication. My moods are still not very stable and I've started getting more frequent panic attacks at work now. I have tried 5 out of 7 of the top SSRIs, so am thinking that it might be time to try something else. I'm also going to try and get a sick note, just so my manager knows she can't try anything like that on me again.

Thank you again for the response.