It never ends.

I'm sorry in advance if this post is a little long, this is just my current story and I'd love some opinions.

Since I was about 6 years old, I was diagnosed with OCD. I've learned to cope with that for the most part, and I've taken many medications to help it. Medications such as Paxil, Fluvoxatine, and countless others. Thing is, my only problem isn't just the OCD. I also have severe depression and a common phobia known as emetephobia. A fear of vomiting. It has haunted me since as long as I can remember and no medication has helped. Which may have contributed to the depression I suffer today.

As many of you know, with a disorder such as OCD, SAD, ADD, (And many other disorders) they seem to tag team with depression. It's almost as if your already problematic disorder isn't bad enough, depression has to be added on to it like it's some sort of dessert. Now, as I sit here and type this, my OCD and depression are both equally as bad as one another, so here's my story.

Since about the age of 15, "coincidentally" right after I began taking paxil, my grades in school began dropping, my interest in things I used to love, dropped and my parents often found me just lying in bed watching TV and doing nothing. Not hanging out with friends or anything of that sort. After about 2 months on the Paxil, I began thinking harshly about suicide. I don't know to this day if they were intrusive thoughts from the OCD, or if they were from the depression, but I never pushed those thoughts away, so to speak. Instead, I acted on them, easily and without any emotion. No crying, no real sadness...Just zombi-fied cutting and countless suicide attempts.

Long story short, my mother had found out I had been hurting myself and quickly took me off that medication. Unfortunately, the Paxil had left it's mark and my grades were still terrible, along with my social life. So we moved away from that area and moved into another town. I was teased and backstabbed by many of my friends in my old place. Backstabbed by people I thought cared about me.

So around the age of 17, I began heavily smoking pot. Every day, every night, almost as if it was an addiction, but I never believed you could get addicted to pot, but you can get addicted to the feeling and numbness it provides for you. I smoked it until I was about 20 years old. During that period of 3 years, I was prescribed another anti-depressant. I believe it was Fluvoxatine. I took that medication while smoking marijuana and felt I may have been doing a little better. I was happy, I had weight on my body, I was eating properly, sleeping properly. When I hit about 20, it all went down hill for me.

I was sitting in my boyfriend at the times basement with him and his friends. And we were sitting in a chair comfortably listening to one of his friends tell a story. We had just smoked up and I was feeling weird. Not bad, not good, but weird. Suddenly, I woke up on someone's lap on the floor. They were holding my head straight and asking me if I was ok. I didn't know what happened, where I was, who I was for about 5 minutes. When I finally came to, they had explain to me that I passed out, but was seizing in the process. I have never had a seizure before, but I feel very lucky that I had friends there who knew what to do and how to help. I started feeling very very queasy/nauseated and dizzy, so I asked for help outside to get some fresh air. At this point, because I felt like I was going to be sick, I panicked and as soon as I felt better, I asked for a phone for my parents to come get me.

After that, I had told my parents what happened, but they never sent me for the tests that would tell me if there was something wrong. It was shrugged off and I was told "You'll be fine".

But they were very very wrong.

Ever since that 'seizure', I have had some very very strange symptoms and odd feelings. First thing that started happening, is I began feeling nauseated when smoking pot. It kept getting worse and worse until finally I just quit cold turkey. After I had quit smoking marijuana, I started feeling "blah" all the time. By "blah" I mean a mix of nausea, upset stomach, no appetite. When I did/do eat, I do not vomit, however I get this very full sensation and I bloat. The feeling lasts anywhere from 4-8 hours, and I was and am unable to eat in that timeframe because of the icky stomach feelings I get.

As a result of this, I fell into a deep depression once again. I was being mean to everyone around me, pushing people away and I didn't feel healthy what-so-ever. In just 8 months, I lost 25 pounds. I was 115 pounds (I'm 5'1) and I dropped to 80. All of this started on a slow slope. Kept getting worse and worse and I went to my doctor many times (Who turned out to be a quack, I will explain why). During this whole period, from the age of 18 until now my partner, watched everything slide down hill, and even took some of my mental and some of my physical abuse from the depression.

My doctor kept telling me over and over how it was probably nothing and REFUSED to send me to a specialist. He then got himself involved with my personal life while we were discussing things that could have been bothering me and causing this distress, and I had mentioned that I preferred the company of women. He decided to voice his opinion on that after he weaseled it out of me, and protested that it was blasphemous to be homosexual and that was probably the cause of all my problems.

Check and mate. That made me mad enough right there to find another doctor.

I've had every test done for the stomach you can think of. I had an upper GI, Upper GI with lower bowel follow through, Endoscopy, Barium meal and ultrasounds. Nothing came up. Blood tests showed nothing but low potassium due to my now poor diet. So I was prescribed Domperidone and Tecta by my new found gastroentologist (He was wonderful) and it has taken just the edge off my stomach illness.

It has been 8 years since the incident. I am still not cured and they still have no answer other than "It must all be in your head". So I tried going back to taking anti-depressants.

They had shown no mercy. I began taking fluvoxatine once again, but something very strange happened. I was awake at about 2 in the morning, and this tingling sensation ran through my body and I started feeling queasy, like I did after that seizure. I went outside for some air, and was accompanied by SEVERE nausea, dizziness and weakness. My legs became weak and I was unable to walk or move and I felt super hot and sweaty, but when my friend had touched my skin, she told me I was ice cold. After 15 minutes, the feeling began to disappear. And finally went away.

Strange? yes. This is not any type of side effect I've heard of before. I didn't know If I was going to pass out, vomit, or possibly die. So the next day I called my pharmacist and was told to stop taking the medication immediately. They didn't tell me why, just to stop taking it, and save it. So I did.

2 years later, I tried another, completely different SSRI. Zoloft. What happened? Same thing. Was standing in a bagel shop, waiting to get my friend a bagel before we both had to go to work, and BAM. I staggered outside, everything was spinning and it was that EXACT same feeling again. That feeling like I was dying or something was VERY wrong. I finally was able to get into work and my boss took one look at me and told me to go home and get rest, I never even spoke a word to him, but he said I came in and my skin was as white as paper and my eyes were dark.

What the hell is going on? Are these pills sending me into shock? Is this some weird allergic reaction? To hell with this I said, and completely stopped all that medication.

I thought I'd be safe. My domperidone and Tecta didn't do this to me. But later on, I found IBuprofen does it, along with anti-biotics. What do all these drugs have in common and why can't I find anyone who's had this same issue?

My life is a complete mystery to myself and even those around me. I'm depressed, and can't seem to take anything to help my depression since it sends me into this weird reaction state. It is believe my OCD and depression are causing the illness with my stomach and it feels like there's nothing I can do about it.

Between my reaction to all these drugs that could potentially save my life (I.E.Anti-biotics), my fear of vomiting, my OCD and my depression, I'm stuck in this very very vicious circle. My stomach only allows me to eat one meal a day, and possibly a snack if I can stomach it.

I'm sorry this was so long. Any input is appreciated.

It has been 8 years since the incident. I am still not cured and they still have no answer
other than "It must all be in your head". So I tried going back to taking anti-depressants.

it could be a somatoform disorder which is

"a mental disorder characterized by physical symptoms that suggest physical illness or injury – symptoms that cannot be explained fully by a general medical condition, direct effect of a substance, or attributable to another mental disorder (e.g. panic disorder).[1] The symptoms that result from a somatoform disorder are due to mental factors. In people who have a somatoform disorder, medical test results are either normal or do not explain the person's symptoms."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Somatoform_disorder

It is believe my OCD and depression are causing the illness with my stomach and it feels like there's nothing I can do about it.

have you gone to see a clinical psychologist? i used to be severely depressed and for quite some time, suicidal along with at times ocd type of thinking. after seeing one i've been continuing to improve without medication.

also look into mindfulness meditation and yoga, and working out. not only are they the best things for your health. and even if your stomach thing isn't completely psychological in nature,t they would still help and stress makes only makes things worse.

additionally, ocd is all about intrusive thoughts that get stuck in your head, then you try to get rid of them and fear them which makes it worse. mindfulness is all about taking the observer's perspective of your thoughts, and when you just watch them without judgement they go away on their own. also cognitive behavioral therapy with a psychologist is helpful for ocd.

also book i highly recommend that's about using mindfulness for medical conditions

Full Catastrophe Living: Using the Wisdom of Your Body and Mind to Face Stress, Pain, and Illness

http://www.amazon.com/Full-Catastrophe- ... phe+living

Thank you for the reply!

I have not heard of Somatoform Disorder before, it was never mentioned. But yes, I went to psychologists and psychiatrists for years. The psychiatrists would stop seeing me because I would stop the medication, and where I live, they will only help you if you're taking the medication. The psychologist began working on many things with me, and then she was transferred to another part of the hospital. She also told me to wait a few months before getting another referral for another psychologist. So I'm waiting now to see how I feel, and then I'm going to go back. What really sucks about that disorder is that the "quick" fix is medication, which I can't seem to take.

I do appreciate your input though. This disorder has given me a lot to think about.

Kinsei wrote:Thank you for the reply!

I have not heard of Somatoform Disorder before, it was never mentioned. But yes, I went to psychologists and psychiatrists for years. The psychiatrists would stop seeing me because I would stop the medication, and where I live, they will only help you if you're taking the medication. The psychologist began working on many things with me, and then she was transferred to another part of the hospital..

i'm not sure if somatoform disorder actually gets diagnosed, and your problem could be completely physical, but it's well known things such as depression, stress, anxiety can cause unexplained physical problems.

as for the therapy, i'd recommend to go back, even if your feeling relatively better. Also look into acceptance and commitment therapy, it's about accepting whatever your thoughts, emotions, problems your dealing with while at the same time trying to change it. also dbt is very similar in that regard and while it was made for borderlines, it helps for all types of all mental health treatment.

for ACT, here's a little bit i read from wiki that can be helpful when remembered

ACT views the core of many problems to be due to the concepts represented in the acronym, FEAR:

Fusion with your thoughts
Evaluation of experience
Avoidance of your experience
Reason-giving for your behavior

And the healthy alternative is to ACT:

Accept your reactions and be present
Choose a valued direction
Take action

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acceptance ... nt_Therapy

and i haven't actually read any books on ACT, but there's many out there and a few i came across that seems interesting and is probably worth looking into

The Mindfulness and Acceptance Workbook for Anxiety: A Guide to Breaking Free from Anxiety, Phobias, and Worry Using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy
http://www.amazon.com/The-Mindfulness-A ... pd_sim_b_4


and this one probably has a cliche title, but if you look at the table of contents in amazon it looks like good stuff

The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living
http://www.amazon.com/The-Happiness-Tra ... iness+trap