Anyone out there who will talk with me?

I feel like an idiot, but I'm struggling and I just need to talk with others who might understand how I'm feeling.

I've suffered from depression for about 30 years. I've been on meds, off meds, had ECT, hospitalized 4 times. 2 years ago I was in therapy and on meds, then I lost my job and health insurance. Recently I got insurance again and started Zoloft 3 weeks ago. Now I'm just trying to live until it starts to help. I haven't been to work all week and I'm just so tired of fighting. I struggle with feeling stupid for letting the brain chemistry get the best of me. I constantly have to tell myself the reasons I am trying to stay alive, but sometimes the war in my head seems a bit one sided. I am trying to stay out of the hospital because I have animals and I don't want to impose on anyone to take care of them. I also have a great fear that someone will talk me into ECT again. I already lost a year and a half of my memory to that and I don't think it helped.

Please tell me I'm not alone...

your not an idiot!!!!
im depressed, i havent been depressed as long as you and i havent been throught as much as you . but your not alone , the battle in my head nas won many times . they have changed my meds a number of times. and i am scared senceless about being put in hospital.......
just wanted to just you know your not aline , we are here to help each other......................

Thanks. I know what you mean about the changing meds. I really hope the Zoloft works as it has before and I don't have to do what I call medication russian roulette. I'm pretty sure I'm not strong enough to go through that again.

Thanks again for letting me know I'm not alone.

Thanks for sharing. Your words took me back to my dark days and how stupid and helpless that I used to feel. All I can say is hang in there. Keep posting and reading the posts of others. Depression is very common. On this forum there are many stories of people suffering from depression. If you keep reading, you will come to realize that you are not alone.

You have tried a number of medicines. have you tried other methods of fighting bad moods? I've gotten excellent results with cognitive therapy that I learned in Recovery, Inc., a self-help group. Others get help with religion. I also get a lot of help through exercise and journaling. I write in a journal every day. One thing that helps me is to write about my biggest fears at the moment. It helps me to get my feelings down on paper.

Good Luck,
Jim S

Thanks for the encouraging words. I realize that having a stomach bug this week hasn't helped. I think my depression doesn't help me fight things off as well, and then being sick increases my depression. Does that make sense? I did make myself stay out of bed today and I feel a little stronger.

I've tried a myriad of different self help techniques over the years. I know what to do, just hard to motivate myself to do them. I'm hoping when the meds kick in I'll have more energy to do things to take care of myself. Just trying to hang on till chemical relief comes. The Zoloft is just one tool in the toolbox, and I just managed to open the box recently. It was really hard for me to make myself go back on the meds. You know how it feels like defeat? Logically I know it isn't, but it's that screwy part of my brain that makes me think that way. I'm trying not to make any major decisions or change my life drastically until I feel like I can trust my judgement a little better. I figure that if I feel like dying most of the time, my judgement may not be exactly on par right now.

Journaling did help me at one time, but the past few times I tried I couldn't really get into it. Mostly I looked at what I wrote and criticized. Did the spiritual thing for a few years, but haven't been able to get back into that at all. Still have all my books and since a lot of that information is lost, it will all seem new when I read them again.

Thanks again for the reply.

You made a lot of sense in what you wrote. I can relate. Life can be very tough at times. If you have a problem, be it blindness, a learning problem, or mental illness it seems even worse. It seems like you have at times fought to keep your head above water, and now you are just too tired to put forth the effort.

Like you say, you know what to do. Somehow you need to find some acceptance to get started again. What you are experiencing is very common. People who have to watch their diets because of high blood pressure, diabetes, or heart problems just get sick and tired of all the work. Many just give up and go back to their old unhealthy diets. Recovering alcoholics often get sober, turn their lives completely around, then get tired of the work-the meetings, etc. Then they go back to drinking and wonder what happened.

I believe what is behind this is a lack of acceptance of our condition along with lots of self pity. On my website I wrote an article about acceptance of my problems, namely bipolar and alcoholism. You might get a little help from it.

You are not stupid. You make a lot of sense. Keep on posting.
Good Luck,
Jim S