Collapsing

Sorry for the textwall, i couldn't help it (i did my best to organize it):

My utopia
People are born; some are (physically/mentally) stronger, some are weaker; everyone got his own interests, be it art (music, visual art...), life (biology/philosophy), science (physics, maths, chemistry...) etc. In order to maintain their interests they have to survive. They realize that they'd make it easier if they all worked together, and so they create a society where everyone contributes with something of his own and gets something of equal value in exchange. The ones who deserve more will get more, the ones who deserve less will get less. If you give 8, you will get 8. There is balance. All this is done without interfering with other's interests, without annoying them and without trying to get more than what you deserve. There aren't any rules because everyone can control himself and everyone will set a right punishment for his own self if he makes a mistake. There is no need for judges, jails, security systems and what not, because everyone ######6 knows how to behave. This vision is just perfect, functional, ideal, optimal and logical.

Reality
For the first period of my life i was following these ways of thinking, i was honest, loyal and was giving as much as i could give, expecting others to do the same. However, there were the ones who wanted more, the ones who had to annoy you for their own amusement and the ones who had no good sense. I started getting pissed, since i was the only one working hard for this idealized system, and so i changed my cards: i started rejecting people and not giving help anymore. I became totally egoistical and started caring only for myself. Moreover, i started developing a huge idea of myself; the reasoning was something along these lines:

"I give you 100, so you should give me 100... but you give me 50 or not even that. Wait, why do you want more than what you should get? Just, why can't you be correct and honest? Do you need some help to understand how you should behave? No, if you can't realize it on your own it means you are some inferior being and so you will get what inferior beings should get: suffering. That way there will be balance. "

Also, when others found amusing picking on me, i started developing violent thoughts of revenge; i was like:

"Just how the ###$ do you dare, you plankton, to pick on me? Did i annoy you in any way? No, then get the ###$ off. No, actually, if you couldn't understand it on your own, it means you don't know your place. I shall put you in your place, you inferior being. That's the right punishment you deserve for being inferior."

Overflowing ego
I transformed into something that my utopia didn't contemplate. I developed the idea that i was some superior being and that i was perfect: i shouldn't have needed anyone's help, i should have been unemotional and cold and i should have been able to make it on my own. I succeeded, since i realized that i didn't need anyone to begin with and that, since i didn't love anyone, i didn't care about anyone. To be honest, you are even boring and uninteresting and i don't see why i should associate with you in the first place.

After having built this image of a righteous godlike being with the heart of ice, i started seeing threats everywhere: every time someone approached me i became very cautious and put on a mask. I was like:

"$#%^, if it turns he/she was trying to take advantage of me or use me for their amusement, that would put shame on the godlike being i am. I couldn't bear to keep the godlike face after having being humiliated by an inferior being. This shan't happen. Actually, i'll reverse this situation in my favor and i'll be the one profitting"

I became extremely cautious and i ended up hurting the only girl that sincerely tried to get closer to me. She probably wasn't that brave and so she tried an humorous approach, while clearly getting closer to me. I thought

"Seems legit, but what if she's just teasing me? I wouldn't bear to be deceived by such being. Actually, i'll reverse this game in my favor and teach her a lesson. Ye, it's the right choice anyways: what if i start feeling affection for her? She'd become my weakness and i have to be invulnerable since i'm a superior being".

I acted cold and like a dick, i belittled her "feelings" and she eventually sent me to hell. I was relieved whatever was the truth:
1) If she was indeed just trying to fool me, then she got what she deserved.
2) If she was serious, she ended up hating me anyways, it's good for her. She was a good a girl but she won't suffer.

Guilt
A mix of coincidences made the job: recently i entered depression, i started questioning my role in this meaningless life, i lost interest in any activity, my eating style became a mess, i couldn't sleep or slept too much... and just during these days i met again this girl and... she hugged me, sighing like trying to tell me "Why didn't you let me in, back then?". There i realized my mistake, and felt bad for the first time in my life. She was one of those "superior" and honest beings i so much appreciated, just "like" me. However, my philosophy doesn't contemplate forgiveness: if you make a mistake, you have to pay for it, and i will take responsibility and pay for it. I'll suffer as it is right for me to suffer.

Moreover, when severe depression kicked in, i lost any hope in this world and in this reality. I was thinking

I'm a superior being, i'm worth 100 and deserve 100. I won't ask for 101 but i won't accept 99.

I wasn't able to be content with what i was given. I either get everything or ###$ it.

Now
Left with this sense of longing, i decided to withdraw from reality and turn to the world of novels/movies/whatever, where i could live whatever experience i deserved to be living. It's the only way i can somehow enjoy life. The godlike and superior being that didn't need anyone ended up being some delusional depressed individual dependent on storytellers.

But now i no longer care how i'm seen in this world, i no longer care if i'm seen as pathetic by those inferior beings i so much despise and i no longer care if i ended up becoming one of them. It no longer matters. There are still leftovers of my narcissistic personality and i still feel superior in some ways (perhaps for being logical about my actions and choosing the most rational course of events) but, deep inside, i no longer care.

... but there could be the possibility that someone went through the same situation and managed to get out in another way. Perhaps i haven't totally lost any hope...