Exhausted

I have the bad habit of writing long posts so, well, be prepared... (I tried to make it less boring by adding "titles" to each paragraph)

[INTRODUCTION]
I usually hang around the Schizoid Personality Disorder board, since the wikipedia page about SPD looks like my biography. The only exception is that i actually like and seek the pleasure deriving from any sexual activity.

I think i've always been like that; in the past i probably was more cautious, because i thought it was a temporary thing that i wasn't interested in human relationships; i tried, just to see why others enjoyed it, but i didn't find it interesting and stopped being so "cautious". You could say that i was avoidant in the beginning and then realized that i didn't care (==> schizoid). Still, i had my own interests, those beings: reading, watching movies/series, playing videogames, listening to music, starting discussions about the meaning of life and sexual pleasure.

Since i quickly realized what i enjoyed, i had set up the goal of enjoying those things the most possible; i started being very strict when it came to time: 6h for sleeping, 1h for lunch/dinner, 4h for study(during university period), 1h for bath(pee/poo/shower) and the remaining time to enjoy my interests. I basically exploited time at 100% to milk the most out of the activities that i found interesting. I was running against time or something.

Since i (fortunately?) have an above average intelligence, i spent less time at studying, still achieving amazing results; this led me to finish off all my exams before summer holidays started and have 40 days of pure relax. During this period, i started slowly degenerating.

[THE DEGENERATION]
At first, i still exploited time, reading and watching movies the whole time, playing some videogame and meanwhile listen to some music. However, i slowly started losing interests in those activities: i started becoming less and less "efficient", when it came to exploiting time. Sometimes i would zone out, or i'd start wandering around my house for no reason or other random things. I was very bored and the activities that entertained me so much in the past didn't seem to interest me anymore.

I started lurking around these forums(especially the SPD board), posting contents that i could have discussed with open-minded people who didn't stop at the surface and that could reason; it was interesting for some time, then even that started becoming boring. I started wondering what's the meaning of life, why i should be interested in anything and realized the ugly truth that there is no reason why there should be a reason. Long story short: nothing matters. It doesn't matter if you win or lose, it doesn't matter if you are good or evil, it doesn't matter if you live or die, it doesn't matter if you go to heaven or hell(if they exist, which i doubt)... even if God existed and all that BS was true, it still wouldn't matter.

[THE CORE]
Moreover, i realized that my core is void; the person who liked reading, watching movies, playing videogames etc just turned to be my mask... i couldn't care less about reading or watching movies or playing; my personality is based on values and what not that i made up; that person with the big ego and pride, that independent and sadistic guy... anything that is supposed to describe my personality just turned to be something i had made up, an illusion. Then, what's under that mask i'm wearing? What is the real me? What are my real tastes and personality? Under that mask there is plain nothing. I don't really care about anything. I became totally apathetic or, better, i always have been but didn't realize till now.

[CONCLUSIONS]
You would normally be driven to think that depression derives from an harsh life or some trauma... it isn't like that, in my case. My life is just... "normal"? I'm quite healthy, i don't really miss anything, i've had a normal school life (i wasn't often hanging out, but it didn't cause any suspects or anything), good grades, currently at university and very independent. I also have a good social mask and can output nice social skills; i can act sympathetic or happy, according to the situation, and it isn't much stressing. I basically don't have any real problems.

It's just so boring... nothing interesting happens, my life is uneventful and, after having discovered that i don't really like anything, i started becoming... depressed? I thought about death, but only out of curiosity; i'm not going to kill myself or anything... i couldn't even be bothered to think or a plan, too much effort. The incapacity of being interested in anything bores me and the only things i would "enjoy" (even if just fictionally) are impossible to achieve (they are just fantasies).

I've been trying so hard to enjoy myself every second of my life, doing the activities that i found interesting, to the point of becoming exhausted, tired, worn out. The purpose was to kill boredom, but i ended up lowering my guard and fully embracing it. I no longer have the will, neither the motivation... i just feel like doing nothing. (even sleeping is boring)

The only things i'm left with are my 5 senses: i currently can experience ONLY physical sensations. I no longer gain any kind of satisfaction in achieving something, or winning an argument or discovering something new etc. I'm only left with the sensations of my body, which usually translate into "chills" that i find pleasurable. Those are achieved by either listening to a certain kind of music or sexual activities. I've nothing else left to live for.

PS: i don't even know why i posted this... it just doesn't matter, really, probably venting or not even that... Oh right, maybe the main goal was that of hearing opinions (i know you can't give diagnoses etc, but i read about depression and it sounds alike) and see if someone was undergoing the same path, since it's so boring... whatever, i don't even think it can be cured; in order for me to exit from this tunnel, i'd need to delete my recent memories and the realization that nothing really matters. Sucks to be 100% disillusioned.

You sound like the type of person who needs some kind of challenge and routine. There's nothing wrong in that. Most people do better with something that needs to be done each day.