Depression, feelings of worthlessness--cause?

Hi, I am quite new to this forum and have already posted in the eating disorders section becuase it's a big issue for me right now and I'm relapsing. My mother was an alcoholic for several years when I was a child and is recovered and doing fine now, but she put me and my siblings in danger as children and the whole thing was awful and very stressful for everyone in the house (about age 9-15). she and my father are divorced now, I have a good relationship with her and lived with my father nd siblings until recently when I moved into college. I've always been confused as to what caused my eating disorder and if whatever that was also caused some of the debilitating depression and anxiety that I have (so I was sorta unsure where exactly to post this...I'm going to be on a lot of subject here), and I'm not sure what anyone here can really do to help with any of this but I feel better when people listen/read...so please leave advice if you want.
I've had a really negative image of myself since early childhood, like when I was in first grade and would go to the bathroom and cry over the size of my legs. I just felt awful about it and always felt like my face and body were ugly and shapeless and a lot bigger than eveyone else's. When my sister and I were little I remember us, though we usually got along arnd loved each other very very much, constantly putting each other down and grabbing the fat on each other's legs and making fun of the other one...I don't know why we did this, but it was the way we both thought. I would spend an hour in front of the mirror pulling my hair back and trying to get it to look okay until I had an ache in my neck. I pulled it back every day so hard that it broke a lot of my hairline and even today I have thinned hair at the hairline, which I regret and try to hide. When I was 14 my negative self-image became an actual eating disorder, anorexia and then bulimia which I've just started doing again recently. There are days where I feel absolutely horrendously ugly, like there's no point of even being alive, and then a couple of hours later I feel just fine. And then it repeats the next day. I feel like I can't even see my face and body clearly and even though i'm not overweight and am physically active and eat healthy food I just don' know why my body looks so much different and worse than everyone else's. It doesn't make sense at all, and I've always felt like this.
My depression keeps me from getting things done so it is a problem. Becuase of it, even if I have something relatively impotant to do like sign up for fin aid plans for college, I put it off until the very last minute intentionally and kind of deny to myself that I have to do anything important. t scares me to do things; I don't know what it is, but doing important things that involve contact with other people and making commitments feels like the admission of being a real person who has to do things in real life, which I don't feel capable of being. It's like I never have the energy or motivation to do anything, and I can't even vaguely picture where I'll be in five years. I have only really vague goals and don't like to think about them very much becuase it scares me so much.
Sorry for rambling, but there's more: for my whole life I've felt like a worse, more ugly and more pitiful version of normal people--like everyone is more motivated and beautiful and correct than I am and I absolutely hate how I am a lot of the time, like my face and the way I feel about things. I feel like there's something wrong with me because I've always been more sexual and sexually curious than any of my friends since early childhood. I'm embarrassed to go into a lot of details but since I was 6 or 7 I've thought a lot about sex and experimented and even though I have no memory of being abused or anything and do not think that I was, I don't know what made me different from other kids in that way. I was a functioning and even happy person a lot of the time when I was little but had a lot of really dark thoughts that I won't go into at a very young age and was probably kind of obsessed with sex and things having to do with it. I'm ashamed of this and have always felt bad about it and am just wondering what's wrong with me, since I bet the majority of kids did not act like I did. I don't know what to think about it and am just wondering if there's a reason.
Now I'm happy pretty often but am suffering from an ed still and about two years ago started self-harming. It only lasted for a couple of months and involved my cutting my arms with razors along with continued bulimia. i felt so bad abou myself, even worse because I felt that tere was nothing at all I could do to change myself, and felt better knowing that I could react to it somehow and be "punished" for being stuck permanently like I was, with a face and character that I often truly hate and would do absolutely anything to change. I have some form of anxiety with frequent trouble sleeping for no reason that I can guess. I don't see how I could have been born this way, with all these issues without some real and logical reason for it, and I wonder if something happened a long time ago that I can't remember, but I really don't know what may of caused this. I've been like this for so long and it's part of who i am and affects every view i have of the world and people. i'm just very ashamed of how I am and have little respect for myself, and can't really picture myself in a normal non-platonic relationship since I can't see how anyone could ever like me as a person or be attracted to me. I have feelings for someone but dislike myself so much at times that thinking about it makes me extremely ashamed, since I know they would never, ever feel the same way I do and it feels so conpletely ridiculous, pointless and stupid. It feels like somewhere someone is laughing at everything i do becuase I'm so pathetic. I think often that I ought to just go out and have a lot of sex and not care about anything because I don't know why. I vacillate between being very, very afraid of life and everything involves and having an astounding lack of concern for myself and care about what's the right thing to be doing and my responsibilities. I really don't know what to do about my feelings of shame and sadness and lack of feeling because it's always been like this and I cant remember a time when it wasn't. I have no idea why I'm like this and from such a young age too (late teens now). Any comments would be appreciated. Thanks very much for reading if you do.

ahill94 wrote:I don't see how I could have been born this way, with all these issues without some real and logical reason for it, and I wonder if something happened a long time ago that I can't remember, but I really don't know what may of caused this.

I don't see why you couldn't have been born this way. People are born with all kinds of unusual quirks, physically and mentally. But there's also the Nature/Nurture discussion. Perhaps you were born with the potential for these issues, and then what other people might consider "minor" triggers were sufficient to cause full-blown problems for you. I can understand how it would be helpful to have a cause, or something to "blame", but it might not be possible to unpick it that much.

i'm just very ashamed of how I am and have little respect for myself, and can't really picture myself in a normal non-platonic relationship since I can't see how anyone could ever like me as a person or be attracted to me.

Ashamed of being a thoughtful, expressive writer interested in personal psychology and in tackling her own issues? Oh no. That's something for you to work on, but the negative view is not the only way to see yourself, nor is it the best one, as I see it.

I have feelings for someone but dislike myself so much at times that thinking about it makes me extremely ashamed, since I know they would never, ever feel the same way I do and it feels so completely ridiculous, pointless and stupid.

I don't want to be rude, but, you do not know how they feel. From an objective, observer's point of view, you cannot know this unless you ask. Being in a relationship, or trying to form one, is not a bad idea. It's not stupid. It's hard and scary, but everyone has issues they're working through. Yours might make you more sympathetic, stronger, less willing to put up with crap, softer or various other possibilities, that will put some people off and be incredibly attractive to other people. There's no way to know how it'll work out with this Someone unless you consider taking a chance and opening up a little. It would be worth exploring just a little, I think.

I think often that I ought to just go out and have a lot of sex and not care about anything because I don't know why.

If it's useful to take advice from a complete stranger on the internet, please DON'T do that. It will cause more problems than it solves. I don't know much, but I'm pretty sure of that.

I really don't know what to do about my feelings of shame and sadness and lack of feeling because it's always been like this and I cant remember a time when it wasn't.

Are you seeing or able to see a therapist? There's so much here to talk through, and you're right that you need to do something.

It's like I never have the energy or motivation to do anything, and I can't even vaguely picture where I'll be in five years. I have only really vague goals and don't like to think about them very much because it scares me so much.

The lack of motivation could be a medical problem, or it could be depression or some other mental issue that is not part of you, just leaching your energy. I also can't picture five years ahead and don't even have vague goals, and never have done, so I suppose I'm evidence it's possible to live well enough without them. But if there's a reason for being that way and it's something you can alter, seems to me to be a plan to go for it.