Relapsing

Well I guess I always been dysthymic most of my life. That turned into major depression about 1-2 years ago. I got treatment, went to therapy, things really seemed to improve. I started becoming more socially outgoing, having goals, enjoying the little things, laughing.. It was pretty great, after a life of seeing everything in grey, I was seeing colors at last.
What threw me back into depression was 1) work, it seems I have different principles about how things should be done, which are obviously disregarded by my boss and what's worse is that he forces my hand in doing things I don't want to do and I cannot quit or do anything except subduing. I tried rebelling and talking to him, didn't lead anywhere. It's frustrating, I lost my motivation for performing well at my job, I just go mechanically through the motions and I used to love going to work, like waking up with excitement for a new day.. now all that gone. 2) Second reason for relapsing is my neverending failure to have a meaningful relationship. I think I tried everything, did the dating sites, went out with colleagues, the dudes the crazy old aunts suggested, dudes suggested by coworkers.. online met friends.. Nothing works. I failed all of them miserably. I think I am a relationship oriented person so this loneliness thing is not helping. I feel like a failure because everyone around me is married and has children and though I used to make myself better thinking I am more successful professionally, now that is not satisfactory either, it's really getting me down.

But perhaps the real reason behind my relapse is recently discovering the root of all evil, as I call it, being victim of child sexual abuse when I was a baby and perhaps later on. I do not have clear memories of it, always knew something bad happened and lived with the fear that an incest was imminent. I put the pieces together with the help of my therapist, with my reactions whenever this subject was touched even by far, the nightmares and my symptoms. I think I always knew in the back of my head but of course denial is such a sweet friend. I still cannot believe it has happened to me on most days and all I want to do is push the thought as far away as possible, silence it with alcohol or medication. Well alcohol reminds me of my father so I almost never drink, but medication can be pretty awesome.

I got back to taking my depression meds. It was pretty discouraging, I was finally making some big progresses, thinking it won't be long now until I am out of the funk for good.. now relapsed. The insomnia was really bad and getting to me, preventing me from focusing at work, so sleeping pills were a must. Started taking Coaxil too because I know it works and did me a lot of good last time. I just hate resorting to meds when I was doing so well.. Can't believe I am back where I was 1 year ago, again. Making 1 step forward, 2 steps back.. I can't live like this. My therapist thinks it's just exhaustion from my anger phase after finding out about the abuse.. I don't know. I do feel exhausted, like breathing takes too much of an effort on some days. Damn, and before this hit, I was exercising and being proactive and having goals... now gone.. I focus on getting out of bed and doing the minimal chores like paying bills and going to work.
The suicidal thoughts are more or less always present. Always wanted out. For the shorter period when I was better, I didn't think about suicide. I am not thinking about it now, but worry I will soon. It's such a big temptation to off myself from this world.. make the pain stop.. all this desperation.. the hopelessness.. Every day is clenched teeth to hang in there.. and this isn't living. But I still hang in there.
I am sort of enjoying the numbness from the meds. And sleeping a lot. Sleeping means no thinking which is good. No thinking about the abuse, about suicide. No thinking means no feeling. It is good. I was in overdrive emotionally, crying the eyeballs out every friggin day so a break is good.

Have you guys relapse when it seemed like you were making great progress? How was it?

Hi Princess of China,

I am so sorry that you had to go through all of that as a baby/child and are struggling now as a result. It's good that you're seeing a therapist about it. Have you ever had a relapse into depression before now?

To answer your question, yes, I've had relapses even while under treatment. It always feels like a horrible experience, so hopeless and devoid of all pleasure. To date, I've always bounced back from it.

Recovery isn't a linear process, there will be periods where you go backward for a while. I hope that you feel a sense that something is getting better soon. It's always nice to get some hope back. Hang in there - do whatever you need to in order to get through the day. This won't be permanent.

Hi Ladyswan and thank you for your response!

I feel better now, I am not even taking meds. I only took them for a few days when I was very very low and especially struggled with insomnia, but now it is a lot better. I think I was really spent from confronting the sexual abuse thing, really exhausted by the anger and all that extreme emotions I was feeling. It has been better afterwards and now I am back to making changes in my life, improving it little by little.
I have relapsed many times, it was getting harder to pick myself up, especially before I had treatment. Now I am aware it is just temporary and manage to survive somehow.