My life feels like it is falling apart

Hello everyone - this is my first post to the forum.

I am a 28 year old male. Right now I live in Seattle, WA, where I have lived for about a year. I am now preparing to move back home to the Midwest, because things did not work out for me here very well. I will be back with my parents. Again.

I was about 15 when I first started taking medication for depression. I have taken meds on and off with varying degrees of success ever since then. I went through college and was barely able to complete my Bachelor's degree in film studies (I experienced a significant depressive episode during my college years which delayed my graduation by a year and impacted my GPA). I am actually the ONLY person in my extended family with a Bachelor's degree. After graduation I ended up back home and had a pretty intense sustained period of severe anxiety/depression, but my meds pulled me out of it and I was able to focus on my job for a few years.

I started to feel a bit lonely and started dating/sleeping around a bit (irresponsible, I know) and ended up with a girl who grew up in a hoarder house and who had some pretty distinct issues of her own, though despite all the red flags between the two of us we just kept on with it. Shortly after I started dating this girl, I got into two back-to-back automobile accidents due to bad weather and medication withdrawal, and lost my job. My girlfriend and I, despite only having been dating for about four months, took the opportunity to flee to Seattle on a whim. After living together for about six months, it sunk in that we were not going to work out, and I had to move on. She did some pretty bizarre things which left me reeling mentally. I spent the next six months feeling like a fish out of water trying to survive in a giant city on my own. My performance on my job began to suffer because of my severe anxiety about the stability of my living situation, and also possibly due to some new meds I have been taking. Now I am facing a situation where I have no choice but to move again. I was given an offer by some friends in California to stay with them, but I can barely fathom living in another totally new city. So I am moving back with my parents, with no job prospects, and I may or may not even have a car to get around in. Even if I do get a car, I am nervous about driving it.

The other piece to this puzzle is that I have an older brother who was diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia when we were younger, who has been living on disability for a long time. Right now he is in a similar situation, wherein he is trying to find a new place to live with his section 8. It is entirely possible that he and I will end up living in the same house again with my parents, with no jobs or means to get around. I am feeling some intense anxiety about this situation. I already feel like I am on the verge of breaking down because my anxiety has made it extremely difficult for me to even talk to people, let alone focus on work or apply for new jobs, and my meds do not seem to be helping and may be making my anxiety worse. I feel like I am headed for the hospital and am going to end up on disability just like my brother, because all my body/mind wants to do is stay in bed and sleep and cry like a baby. I feel like I am about to become a burden on my parents who have already spent a significant amount of their lives caring for my brother.

I never imagined life could be so overwhelming. Some people say their breakdown was a breakthrough for them. I feel like I am screwed. Even if I went to my friends' place in California, I still feel like I am on a verge of a breakdown because I don't have a clear sense of purpose in my life, and I did not think out my career path very well, and I feel dizzy, tense, and nearly catatonic due to combined effects of meds and uncertainty of my future. It's during times like these that thoughts about religion and things like that surface, and I start to wonder if I'm just losing it. Any HELPFUL thoughts/ideas? Particularly from people who not only have mentally ill siblings but who also deal with their own mental illness?

Hi and welcome to the forum aordinary.

I'm sorry to hear things are not going well at the moment. *hugs*

Living on your own can be stressful for anyone. Coping with depression just makes it more so. Not everyone can live on their own, some can, some need more support than others. That's just how it is. Don't make yourself feel worse about it by judging yourself badly. I have seen a family member and friends in situations similar to yours, where they either have always lived at their parent's home or have had to move back at times. You are certainly not the only one.

I'm glad you have parents and friends that can offer you a place to stay and are supportive to you in this situation. You moved away from your parents home before, it's quite possible you can do it again. You earned your degree which is a fantastic accomplishment and should help with future job opportunites and independence. Just take it one day at a time. You don't know what the future holds. Perhaps as your depression improves, moving from your parents will be an option you consider again. You will get through this rough patch. Keep talking to your councelor/therapist if you have one and keep us posted here. Perhaps in future, you can contact NAMI or other MH organization to find out about support services in your area that facilitate independant living, if that's what you need/want. Try not to worry about the far future too much for now. Things have a way of working themselves out.

I wish you well, Jan

Thanks for your support, Jan.

Right now I am dealing with an unbelievable amount of dread and despair. It is taking every ounce of strength I have just to get out of bed in the morning, and yet I cannot afford to be dragging my feet because I am arranging to move across the country all by myself within the next two weeks. And once I get there, there is no clear next step to get me on my feet again, and I don't know how my family will react to my mental state or how I personally will be able to cope with anything at all. Also, navigating the airport in this state of mind is going to be pretty damn difficult. Right now my eyes are all bloodshot, my arms feel heavy, I have dry mouth, I keep clenching my jaw, and generally speaking I feel like I'm on drugs or something (which technically I am, though prescription of course). I've never had to visit a hospital before for my depression/anxiety and fear that is where I am headed. Sometimes I wonder, if I go in, would I ever come out? And assuming I came out, would I be a different person then? Would I ever get back into the rat-race of life? Would I still have friends who won't stigmatize me? Would I ever have another girlfriend, or ever start my own family? People don't generally like to waste their time around people who project an aura of fear and bleakness, and lately that is how I feel I am around people. Would I be able to enjoy the same things that I used to? Lately I find that sometimes even music or sleep don't even feel like enjoyable escapes - music just sounds like noise, and sleep has been rough. I feel so detached from everything and everyone around me.

*sigh*

That sounds really rough hon *more hugs*

You mentioned anxiety, possibly in relation to new meds, in your original post. I know meds can take time to kick in, but maybe you should check in with your doc, to see if anything can be adjusted? The right meds have helped before....

It's interesting that you don't know how your family will react to your mental state. You've been dealing with depression for at least 13 years so presumably they have seen you in this state before and reacted in some way before, so that would be an indication of how they might react now. Would it help to ring them? Perhaps talking to a supportive family member would help ease your mind a bit....

Depression is treatable, so even if you needed to go inpatient, I wouldn't think they'd never let you out. Hospitals cost money. Even worst case, it seems more likely, after your insurance runs out, they'd kick you out prematurely, if anything. (Maybe I am a bit cynical about health care in the US, but that was my thought, regardless.) I can understand your fears though about getting kept in a hospital involuntarily, stigma, future relationship repercussions, etc. I'm sure I'd be thinking about that too, but if you get to a completely nonfunctional state or so unwell you are unsafe.... well, don't let your fears stop you from doing what needs to be done.

That said, I certainly hope you get through this w/o having to go that route. I'm sending positive energy your way. Take care.

Right now I don't have any insurance. I do not have a job lined up for when I move home either. I talked to my doctor, and she didn't really have much advice for me seeing as I am moving away and will not be able to continue seeing her, other than to get set up with a new doctor right away. The reason I say I don't know how my parents will react or how things will be when I get home is because I have never been in a situation this complicated before. When I moved home before I had a job lined up and I wasn't a total gibbering wreck - that came later, and then I was pulled out of it with medication after my insurance kicked in. This time I am facing applying for jobs while already in this state of mind, and without an easy means to get around, and who knows how my medication situation will turn out. I just feel like I don't even know how to survive with this extreme level of anxiety.

Yes, the lack of insurance is difficult. Worst case, crisis hot lines are free as are warm lines...I just heard about warm lines recently. It's a peer to peer listening service if you think talking might help. www.warmline.org