I've never told anyone, but i want to kill myself

i've been miserable for as long as i can remember. I have been beaten down by society every time i try to get out, and make something of myself. The problem is people. Co workers constantly try to undermine me, and make me look bad compared to them. but actually, i out perform them, once i get recognized for doing a good job, many coworkers turn against me, and it all ends by me quitting, and going home with every intention of suicide. Relationships usually go bad when the woman finds a man with more money, they usually try to come back after he leaves them, but i find them to be disgusting whores, because that's what whores do, they screw people for their money. People that i don't know will try to step on me too. cutting me off in traffic, or trying to squeeze in front of me in line. it's almost like they can tell, "hey this is the guy everyone else craps on, lets do it too!" I'm really tired of it. there is no doubt that i will shoot myself someday when i can. but the real question is, why shouldn't i kill the people who make me want to kill myself? My thoughts are 95% of the time suicidal, but about 5% of the time, i wonder, if he/she makes me want to kill myself, why should i let them get away with it?? thank you for taking the time to read this, don't waste it by telling me not to kill myself. for 15 years I've wanted to kill myself, and i waited out my twenties, people said things get better, they haven't. I'm only getting older, and more miserable.

its not like i am actually going to kill anyone, but you know some kind of answers would help, what kind of conditions cause these feelings, and does anyone else out there feel this way, or felt this way, what helped you

There is so much ignorance out there. There are people who fully realize the damage they cause other people, but there are many who are unaware of the hurt they cause. I suspect those who 'compete' with you include both those types of people. Like when you say ppl butt in front of you in line... That can be a form of ignorance. Oftentimes, a person who butts in front is displaying linear thinking. They want to get what they want faster and believe they are more important. however, they don't nessasarily have anything against you personally, although its easy to assume they do. Your co workers who belittle you and make you feel suicidal lack any morals. unfortunately life is full of idiots, I do believe staying true to yourself will help you block out the massive amount of negativity in your life. You sound like you have a lot of anger, have you had any counseling for your anger? I understand how it feels to be suicidal for years, but there are ways to deal with these issues.

I'm not going to tell you that death isn't the answer and that you shouldn't think about (as "normal" people put it) "doing something stupid" because that would make me a hypocrite. I don't know about your family history with things like mental illness but you might always have depression. It may be dormant for the rest of your life if you are "cured" within the next few years but it could always be there. I don't know if this will help but if you have homicidal thoughts or even urges, you could write about them or draw them in detail to get some of it out of your system to make you feel better.

teric63 wrote:... I'm really tired of it. there is no doubt that i will shoot myself someday when i can. but the real question is, why shouldn't i kill the people who make me want to kill myself? My thoughts are 95% of the time suicidal, but about 5% of the time, i wonder, if he/she makes me want to kill myself, why should i let them get away with it?? thank you for taking the time to read this, don't waste it by telling me not to kill myself. for 15 years I've wanted to kill myself, and i waited out my twenties, people said things get better, they haven't. I'm only getting older, and more miserable.

Ever heard the saying "an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth" The might have caused you to want to kill yourself, but as long as you are alive, they have not caused you to die and taking it out on more than one other person wouldn't keep with the principle of proportionality.

Personally, that argument wouldn't stop me though even if I gave it special validity for being in the bible.

I dont see anywhere in your post were you have talked about getting help for your issues. You see its your outlook. I CAN speak of this is I deal with depression every day of my life... BUT I am in treatment for it. I DO know for a fact its your outlook because your are unwell. When I am off my meds ,EVERYTHING annoys me, and I hate the world, and I question why I am even here, and "whats the point"? Sound familiar? When I take my meds I have a whole new outlook on life. You are wearing very dark glasses and don't know it. If you don't believe this, think of the time when you were happy, maybe as a young teenager or a child.. the same idiots and inconsiderate people were still out there ,however because of your positive outlook they didn't get on your nerves. I have been bullied , and made fun off, and pushed around. TODAY.. because I am better , NOBODY even thinks twice to mess with me, cause I would put them right in their place. Today I run many small business in Las Vegas that all do very well. I still have my lows, but its not day after day like it was. There IS hope, but YOU have to pull yourself up and dot it. Its a PHYSICAL chemical imbalance that needs medication and therapy. It WONT get any better by itself. Be well brother.

BonjourJakk wrote: Oftentimes, a person who butts in front is displaying linear thinking. They want to get what they want faster and believe they are more important. however, they don't necessarily have anything against you personally, although its easy to assume they do. Your co workers who belittle you and make you feel suicidal lack any morals.

This is an extremely good and important point. You need to realize that people aren't doing it to personally attack you friend. They are doing it for their own selfish ambitions. If it wasn't YOU they were doing it to, it would be SOMEONE else that they would. It's just their opportunism. Life demands that you be advantageous, it's a part of the dynamic to survive and be successful.

Don't get me started on that though, please.

But, anyways, dude, their are people out there that do that kind of $#%^ to ALL of us, you're not alone..... You pick up on a lot of the injustice that us humans do to one another...

You should consider yourself lucky that you're able to see through the fog, maybe you should spend a day and try to see some good things that people do for one another, maybe that will make you not want to kill people so bad.

Also, people change... not everyone, but sometimes the people you least expect it change completely. If you kill anyone, you wont give them the chance to tell you how sorry they REALLY are. Putting a gun to someones head and forcing them to apologize is not the same as a apology from their free will.

Hope this helps.

Just wanted to say I feel ya'... I'm 27 going through ECT treatments (so far they're of no help but only had #4 today) because I cannot get the idea of suicide out of my mind. If I did not have a boyfriend (who has a teen) and an awesome dog... I would already have gotten on with it. The only thing that keeps me alive is fear of hurting my bf or his son...

I totally know what you mean by everyone says it will get better... I find that to be total BS. I get so sick of people saying that. How do they know anyway? To me, it just sounds like desperate words to try to fool others into having hope. Meds haven't been of any benefit, only nasty side effects that make life even more intolerable.

I don't really want to hurt anyone else unless they hurt anyone (or animals) I care about, but I can understand the feeling! People are a pretty selfish species.

Anyway, just wanted to chime in... you're not alone! Not that it helps you... but I know I get a smidge of relief when someone else is going through similar things... hoping you might feel a little less alone... I don't know you, but I do care!

teric63 wrote:i've been miserable for as long as i can remember. I have been beaten down by society every time i try to get out, and make something of myself. The problem is people. Co workers constantly try to undermine me, and make me look bad compared to them. but actually, i out perform them, once i get recognized for doing a good job, many coworkers turn against me, and it all ends by me quitting, and going home with every intention of suicide. Relationships usually go bad when the woman finds a man with more money, they usually try to come back after he leaves them, but i find them to be disgusting whores, because that's what whores do, they screw people for their money. People that i don't know will try to step on me too. cutting me off in traffic, or trying to squeeze in front of me in line. it's almost like they can tell, "hey this is the guy everyone else craps on, lets do it too!" I'm really tired of it. there is no doubt that i will shoot myself someday when i can. but the real question is, why shouldn't i kill the people who make me want to kill myself? My thoughts are 95% of the time suicidal, but about 5% of the time, i wonder, if he/she makes me want to kill myself, why should i let them get away with it?? thank you for taking the time to read this, don't waste it by telling me not to kill myself. for 15 years I've wanted to kill myself, and i waited out my twenties, people said things get better, they haven't. I'm only getting older, and more miserable.

I would hazard a guess that you dont really know who you are so how can you kill yourself?
You can deffo kill your body and that will deffo kill your brain or you could kill your brain and that would prob kill your body or you could kill other bodies or brains but could you kill yourself ?
Im not sure, who are you? do you really know? or do you want to kill certain aspects of yourself that give you pain?

Consider your depression as darkness, it can be dark in a room for a thousand years and you can shout and scream and wave your arms around trying to disperse the darkness....or you can turn on the light !
When you switch the light on it does not take a thousand years for the darkness to go!

So where is the lightswitch? its inside you! always has been, always will be!

Find it and turn it on, its better with the light on