Suicide and a plan

I'm posting tonight becuase Im seriously considering taking my life. My life has been difficult as many peoples lives have. I guess I'm really at my wits end. I've been stalked by a man who claimed he loved me for 8 months and I'm due to testify at a trial within a month, and in one week my grandmother had a stroke and it looks like she might die. (She was more like a mom to me than my own mom), I think I failed a final exam paper, ( education was my only ticket to a better life) Today I was fired for making too many mistakes on the computer at work, and my cars alternator and converter is gone and it just cost me cash I don't have to fix it. At 36 I had to move back in with my parents, oh yeah and a man tried to rape me. He was grabbing me .. I already have PTSD from some stuff in a past in a half and this is just a little too much. I left High School from a huge trauma and in this economy no formal education is bad indeed. I have a plan, and I have enough training with anatomy and physiology, microbiology, and psychopharm to know what will work. I gave up a son for adoption because I was much too young to care for him. Many friends are having babies now and I feel the loss all over again. The stalking and betrayal all of it. I want out. I don't talk to friends about this save one because from the school of hard knocks people can't deal and flee. I want them to remember me as I was before I got so fragmented. I won't go before I put my soon to be ex husband in prison for the stalking so he can never hook another woman on drugs to have total control over her and for every other criminal disgusting act he has comitted and his is a life of crime. When I was fired this afternoon for the computer mistakes and the final college paper was bombed, I came home and found out the alternator and convertor on my car was gone. It costs 3,000. Enough. My only regret is this will hurt my parents. I wish I could spare them I just cant go on like this.

so that's it......giving up? You don't sound like you are even trying to make wrongs right....or let the wrongs be wrong...accept them and find a way to move forward and make change. You DO have the power to do that. Maybe right now you feel at a loss as to exactly what you need to do to evoke change in your life. Consider counseling...therapy of some sort. If you've tried it in the past and felt it didn' twork.....try harder. Find the right counselor...find that right connection. Not all counselors work for all people...sometimes it takes a few tries to find that right connection/fit for yourself. There is so much you can do to overcome what you've been through....even learn to understand what you've been through and the right way to deal w/ it as well as learn a new approach to life....like if you feel like you are on this path of wrong choices or mistakes...or wrongs against you and you just don't know how to get on a new path and leave that one firmly behind you....you CAN learn....you just need help in doing that. But no one can help you change your path until you reach out and ask for it. And will it be easy....HELL NO. But the end reward is there for you and very much WORTH the work involved. Change isn't always easy....it certainly cannot happen overnight. You don't spend all this time feeling as you have and then wake up tomorrow and poof...all gone all better. It takes time....but it truly is worth it. Life takes work and it can be worth living. I used to think it wasn't. Then after years of hating my life and planning suicides I just didn't have the guts to commit....I finally started putting that hard work into my therapy and seeking the change I desired. You can't just say you want life to be a certain way and then wake up the next day and see the result staring you in the face. You really do have to put forth from yourself ...but once you get there...I speak from experience....it feels so great to look forward to the future and make plans and enjoy waking up each day.

LastTime,

Angel has hit many fine points, and I agree.

For me a difficult issue is seeing myself with harsh judgemental eyes that I was raised with as a child. I can become stuck in "you should's" - you should do better, be smarter, be happier, have more friend, care about social causes more.... it never ends.

Angel touched on part of the answer. the answer is to do as well as you can, and then let it go, analyize if it is important and try again. If you can manage that your life will have some flow to it. To keep it flowing remember - clear signt and compassion. Meaning see things for what they are, not smudged by the emotions of self doubt/loathing etc., and compassion. For you, for them, for you doing something you do not like but must take on. When you can let go of judgements of others, it is much easier to give up the judgements of yourself.

I hope that this is useful and makes sense.

take care,
Walt

I think you steel want to help yourself, or you have bad intentions such make other people feel bad for not being able to help you. Of course that always your choice.

Got to ask You don’t love your parents enough to save your self for them, because they will suffer their whole lives, so are other people, probably even blame themselves.

There are no reasons to kill yourself, because you can get better but you don’t give yourself that chance.

I would never do this but if I decided for sure at least- I would do something useful like go to black market and sold your organs and make contract to give money to people you love. I think that idea makes me think how much more precious human life is.

I swear if you just leave through this you won’t want to do this. It just reactionable: if future you would regret making this decision, but to bad you wouldn’t be able to do anything.
There are choices, you can make wrongs better if you try.
Suicide is the worst thing to be remembered by.