The first time i've ever reached out (long read)

I really don't know if this is the right forum for this but I really just need to get stuff off my chest, so strap in folks.

My life is pretty much just out of control right now. I've lost everything. I had a pretty good job, but quit on a whim 3 months ago and I haven't worked since and I've been living off savings and doing odd jobs but that''s drying up now.

I'll start off by saying i'm 28 years old and an only child. I have very mixed feelings about my upbringing. My mother was in and out mental hospitals (I believe she had/has bipolar and had a rough child hood) until I was probably 10 or 11. She was also a gambling addict and would spend a lot of time at casinos, going store to store for scratch tickets, ect. Pretty much spent every nickle on whatever form of gambling she desired. My dad was a drug addict and always was getting high either at home or with friends. He used to bring me over to his dealers houses when I was a kid (i'm talking between ages 5 and 12). They started leaving me home alone when I was probably 8 or 9 years old and I developed a strong feeling of independence when I was young and learned out to fend for myself.

I was picked on a lot in elementary school for being fat (the usual kid #######4) and ALWAYS got into fights and had a really #######5 attitude towards other kids and teachers. I was getting suspended all the time. I was probably 10 or 11 and my mom brought my to the doctors because she was getting fed up with the calls from school. They diagnosed me with ADD and I started taking Ritalin for about 5 or 6 years. I noticed a difference and was being less violent and hostel. My grades sucked in school, but I was passing. I stopped taking it when I was 15 when I went into high school because I was embarrassed about going to the nurse at lunch time to take a pill (i'm VERY stubborn and I don't like people knowing my business I guess).

High school was cool. I made a $#%^ load of friends, but also got into drinking and smoking weed around 16 or 17 but I was being social and girls were actually talking to me for the first time so it was fun and made me feel good.

Senior year I slipped into a massive depression. It started over a girl but then after that I was just depressed all the time, but I masked it well and always put on a happy face. When ever I was around friends I was happy as a pig in $#%^, but when I got home i'd cry myself to sleep. I ended up not graduating because I pretty much just didn't give a $#%^ (somethings never change). My parents never pushed me at all when it came to school. After I got into high school, they pretty much gave up on me. I've got 1 minute of help from them for anything school related. As long as they weren't getting calls from the school, they really could give a $#%^. When my parents found out I wasn't graduating, they pretty much said "Well, shouldn't of ###$ off your whole life eh?".

I moved out of my parents house and out of state when I was 19 pretty much on a whim. I loaded up my car with my $#%^ and took off pretty much. I moved back in a year later for 3 months and then moved back out and have been gone ever since.

I worked odd jobs until I was 21 and then I got a pretty job. I meet a girl shortly after this and after 6 months of dating I moved out of my friends place and moved in with her. Probably from 21 to 23 was the most stable years of my life. We got a long great, shared all the house hold duties, split the bills evenly, ect.

I started to work out a lot, picked up another job and was working 70 hours a week between the 2 jobs. We both worked 2 jobs so it was fine and it gave us a lot of extra money. I was finally out of my depression and had this new found confidence in myself, which other girls that I was friends with started noticing. Around the time of mine and my girlfriends anniversey I just developed this hatred towards her and was trying hard to break up with her. I cheated on her twice (which she never found out about) and I ended up kicking her out because I caught her going through my phone.

After we broke up I pretty much went on a huge party streak and just did whatever I wanted for 6 months until I meet someone else. Pretty much same thing happened with the new girl. She moved in after 3 weeks of dating and after a little over a year, I did the same thing. Cheated on her and kicked her out.

This is where my life started going out of control.

4 months after we broke up I slipped into a MASSIVE depression. I was living by myself (still had a decent amount of friends) but I started to regret breaking up with girl B. I would drink till I passed out every night, I tried overdosing on pills twice (which i've never told anyone about). This went on for about 2 or 3 months until I started seeing another girl.

I really didn't care for the new girl but I just wanted 24/7 attention so I kinda strung her along just because she was way more into me then I was her. During this time I got into a car accident (a year and a half ago at this point) totaling my car. I got 7,000 dollars from my insurance and literally spent it all with 3 months. I am terrible terrible with money. The second its in my hand, its gone. My mom borrowed $2,000 dollars from me around this time because she said the house was going to be taking away by the bank (which turned out to be #######4, it was to cover gambling debit).

After it was all said in done, I pissed through my insurance money and never used any of it buy a car. My girlfriend moved in with me and had a $#%^ job so she never paid for ANYTHING (rent, grocery's, ect.). My life just turned to $#%^ at this point because I was always broke, but I never asked for help because I had too much pride. I slipped into a massive depression again and have been in one ever sense.

My old angry ways started coming out again and I would just start throwing $#%^ for no reason (at home and work) and just give everyone attitude, swear at everyone, call them pieces of $#%^, ect. This would last from anywhere from 5 minutes to a couple hours, but then I would be fine. I started telling people at work that I was going to quit for months then I got into a massive argument with a coworker that almost resulted in a fist fight. I quit my job on the spot and haven't worked sense.

I had a 401K and a little bit of money and I've been living off it. I've developed this "I don't give a ###$" attitude and now i'm just lazy, sad all the time and I'm pretty much broke. My girlfriend is pretty much going with the flow because I keep telling her everything is going to be fine.

I've lost ALL of my friends in the past year. No one wants anything to do with my anymore and i've never felt more worthless in my life. I have no motivation to work at all. I'm trying to get some sort of online gig going either writting or doing social media work but I realized its not as easy with 0 education. I've become so antisocial. I'd rather just sit here by myself then deal with anyone at all. I barely having a relationship with my parents anymore. A lot of days it feels like i'm just killing time till I die. I have this worthless feeling and my mind runs a million different ways and I have no idea how i'm going to get out of this slump.

I've always wanted to seek professional help but I don't have health insurance and I have a hard time opening up to anyone. I feel like no one knows the real me and I've put on this fake act my whole life to cover up my sadness. I was always the jokester, throwing the one liners out. Make people laugh. That was always a good feeling being known as the "funny guy". But with that tag I think came a shield to block people from knowing the real me and how miserable I am/was.


My fingers hurt. I haven't written this much in awhile. I really don't know what I'm expecting out of this? Maybe just for someone to listen? If you made it through this, I greatly appreciate it and it means a lot. Thanks.

I don't know what you expect of someone reading your text wall. I read a little and skimmed a little more, but you wrote way too much to read it all. It seems to me like you get "depressed" whenever you lose someone, a girl. Buck up little trooper, there's worse things in life than busting up with some girl. Your post was whiny and annoying, that and the length are part of the reason nobody responded. This is NOT the forum to try and get support for depression, or anything else, really. Man up, stop feeling sorry for yourself and fukc off to one of the wishy washy, rainbows and unicorns forums, or you can stay here and get lambasted. I'm in a frightfully good mood tonight and not being my usual snarky self, to noobs, take advantage of that and run away. Unless you're a troll, in that case, say something else and I will eat you.

Turning your life around is up to you. Lazy? Then buy a skateboard and go for a roll. No job? Then buy a cordless angle grinder and start carving totems. Sounds like you need to step up and focus on getting your life together instead of pondering upon why and when some magical saviour will come along and post a life changing reply. What do you seek? I think you already now. Stop lying to yourself and face reality for what it is.

http://www.worldometers.info/

25000 people died of hunger today.

wahoo wrote:I don't know what you expect of someone reading your text wall. I read a little and skimmed a little more, but you wrote way too much to read it all. It seems to me like you get "depressed" whenever you lose someone, a girl. Buck up little trooper, there's worse things in life than busting up with some girl. Your post was whiny and annoying, that and the length are part of the reason nobody responded. This is NOT the forum to try and get support for depression, or anything else, really. Man up, stop feeling sorry for yourself and fukc off to one of the wishy washy, rainbows and unicorns forums, or you can stay here and get lambasted. I'm in a frightfully good mood tonight and not being my usual snarky self, to noobs, take advantage of that and run away. Unless you're a troll, in that case, say something else and I will eat you.

LIsten stupid, I didn't even put this in this forum. It got moved here.

Didn't realize everyone was a bunch of cu nts here.


Edit: Nice lion, queer.

You got your post moved here because of the word. Antisocial. You used it to mean asocial but some moderator thought it would be funny to move it here so we could all have a good chuckle. Why the hostility I mean so far you've gotten some really good advice. Sure no one rubbed your shoulders and whispered it will be alright in your ear but logically do you really need or want that. Probably not. It seems most of your problems have come from your own doing. And that's okay as long as you know. Sure you don't get any help but that's a commodity fewer and fewer people have nowadays. I think you just need a good kick in the ass and you'll get that here. So take some financial literacy classes already or at least read some books on the subject. As for your relationships quit cheating or at least stop getting caught. So your miserable, depressed and all that jazz, look around so is everybody else, so what? Did you think your life should be easy? Or do you think you deserve that? LOL You don't. So just try not to fuk up and enjoy the little things like a morning rain or a breeze on a hot day. You'll feel better trust me.