Is death the answer?

I've had suicidal thoughts and attempts since I was about 11 or 12 years old. The only attempt that has been dealt with is when I was 18 years old. It was the closest I've ever come to succeeding. I ended up in the hospital for 2 weeks because of it. I swore to myself that I would never let myself end up that bad again and would get help if I felt myself getting worse.

Here I am getting worse. I did seek help. I got back on meds for a while, but I couldn't remember to take them and stopped taking them all together. Figured what's the point since I was forgetting them more than I was remembering them. Well, one night I found myself googling to find a sure fire way to succeed this time. Instead I stumbled upon a website that made you think about what happens after you have succeeded. I didn't want my children or husband finding me in my own vomit or in my car in the garage or in a pool of blood. I don't want my kids or husband traumatized by walking in to a scene such as those with that being their last memory of me.

I admitted my state to a therapist who quickly got my doctor involved, and they got me back on my meds that day. The therapist instructed my husband to handle my meds for me and lock everything up to prevent me from having access to anything (and to make sure I was really taking my meds). After we left the doctor's office my husband asked me if I thought it was really necessary to do all those things. I told him that I didn't know. i told him that at that moment I felt better (thanks to the meds) and thought it wasn't necessary. i also told him that knowing how depression works that I may not feel that same way the next day. It's a day to day battle. My husband ended up not locking anything up and not administering my meds and trusting me.

Here I am without my meds for 3 days now because I can't remember to take them. i don't want to admit to my husband that I'm not on them again. My therapist is out on vacation, and I almost didn't make it to work this morning because the whole drive in all I could think about was driving off a bridge. I'm at work now. I'm still alive. The reasons I didn't do anything before now seem to be irrelevant because I've come to the realization that I can kill myself away from my house to prevent my kids and husband from being traumatized by a nasty scene. A part of me is thinking that this must be what my husband really wants since he didn't listen to the doctors. Perhaps he secretly wants me to off myself so he doesn't have to deal with me anymore. My kids are probably better off without such a loser for a mom.

I sent my husband an email earlier with all the links, usernames, passwords, etc to take over all the bills if I don't make it home. See, I take care of the finances for the family, so if I do actually take the steps to not make it home later I need to make sure he has access to all the utilities, my checking, savings, the mortgage, etc, etc, etc. I left all the receipts and tax information for him at home where he knows where it is.

I've started googling again to find a way to do it without having a bullet miss my brain, or a accident that leaves me a paraplegic the rest of my life, or some other form of failure that would leave the remainder of my life in a worse state than it currently is in. At the same time, I can't help but wonder if I go through with it will my after life be hell or some other form of punishment for not enduring the pain and suffering of this world? My thoughts then went to seeking someone that would possibly help me end this life so that I wouldn't have to answer to a "punishment" in the next (whatever is next).

All I really want is to lay down, go to sleep, and never wake up again to deal with this pathetic situation we call life.

No, death is not the answer hon. That’s the depression talking. I know you are in a lot of pain right now but you can feel better. You can get through to the other side. You said the pills helped before so you need to start taking them again and keep taking them. Set a reminder on your smart phone or computer, mark it on your calendar, put up a reminder note, impress on your husband how important it is so he reminds you, whatever it takes.

I guarantee you that your husband and kids will be traumatized by your death, regardless of whether they find your body or not. I’m sorry your husband didn’t help you with taking your meds. He doesn’t want you dead. If he didn’t want to deal with you, there is a path out, which is of course, divorce. You didn’t say that your relationship was bad though. And I guarantee your children do not want to grow up with out their mom.

Look at it this way, you were driving along the road of life and you got a flat tire. What should you do, change the tire or blow up the car? Obviously, you change the tire. Suicide is like blowing up the car. Talking to your doctor (or go to emergency if you have to), talking to your husband, calling a suicide hotline, taking your pills again, those are the things that will help you to change the tire on the car.

Really, killing yourself is never the answer. Please don’t do that, get some help in dealing with this instead.

Many, many hugs Klover -Jan

Please don't kill or hurt yourself. You are absolutely NOT a loser. Your kids love you and they want that you will be doing better and that you're always available to them. Please don't severely hurt your kids by killing or hurting yourself. Your husband would be hurt too. Kids really love and need their mother and father. You're an utmost important person to your children. No one can ever replace you.

I've been depressed too and thinking about killing myself too. I'm still depressed. But the death is NOT the answer. Although I admit that sometimes I just would like to escape my painful emotions by killing or hurting myself. But I do believe that one can never escape anything by killing or hurting oneself.

The only answer is that you need help for your depression and for the reasons (if there are any) that cause your depression.

I've got a weekly pill organizer that helps me to remember to take 40 mg paroxetine every morning. It's so easy to see if I took my pills or not. Because sometimes I've not been sure if I had taken my pills.

(I'm a 26 yo male. Please don't be scared but I'm sexually attracted to preteen boys which is the reason why I'm depressed. I'm also a bit gay too. I'm NOT a molester or a monster.)

Nope, it is not the answer... There are most likely millions that have the same thoughts, I know I did and I did try 5+ years ago. I sent an email out to many and I was found and revived, but that didn't stop my thinking about it, even though I swore to everyone that I would never ever do it again. BS, I still thought about it, but I didn't do it. I just began to drink more and more and more, to "FIX MYSELF". Guess what that didn't work either... I could tell you my horror stories, but that is not what you need, you need to find help anyway that you can, keep seeking until you find the right shrink and counselor to help you.

I have had all the same thoughts as you and the answer is, take the pills, find someone that can actually diagnose you correctly so that they can get you on whatever it is that will actually work. Then yes, set yourself all the bells and whistles you need and begin to take care of yourself, just as you would your children, your husband, your friends. Promise yourself and don't break that promise to yourself. I bet you wouldn't break a promise to anyone else.

I stopped drinking a little over 4 months ago, that helped a lot. I found a new psych and a psychologist. I was finally diagnosed with chronic depression and bipolar II and finally put on the right meds and although I don't feel completely better, I would say I am 90 back to what feels better than I have ever felt.

Please, please, please do not give up. Don't hurt your family, your friends and mostly yourself. God will take you when it's your time. You know it's not yet... reaching out here is a good thing, keep reaching and you will find your light here on earth.

Praying for you... Finding My Boot Straps - Patty

Klover, hon, you may think you're a "loser for a mom", but I'll bet your kids don't, and I'm sure your hubby doesn't. My guess is that they love you more than anything and think you're the best thing since sliced bread!

You sound like you're hurting a lot. Talk to us; what's giving you that hurt? What's going on inside of you? It can't hurt to just talk about it, can it? You know we're here for you; you're always free to talk with us. Just know that you're never alone. You've got your family, and you've got us. We'll all work to help you get through this. All we need you to do is hang in and give us a chance. Can you do that for us?

If you ever want a shoulder to cry on, but don't want to say it out loud, know that you're more than welcome to PM me.

I think you could use one of these.

Hun, for what it's worth, we care. I care. I have once been where you are now, and I am so glad I didn't kill myself.

Can I let you into a secret? My mother and brother both killed themselves. I was only 18 when my mum died. She wasn't perfect but she was the only mum I had and I loved her. I still do. There were so many things left unsaid when they both died. So many questions with no answers, only assumptions. I can't describe the hole that was left. If both of them had only sought the help that they needed, they would still be here today.

Hun, the pain you're going through now seems unbearable, but with the right kind of help, it won't always be this way. Your depression is blinding you to the reality that life really is a gift, with promises that you have no idea of yet. Please seek help for yourself urgently. Making the small step of seeking help will enable you to make huge strides towards healing and recovery. You deserve to recover. Truly.

If things get bad, go to the emergency dept. of your local hospital. Please.

You wrote this a couple of days ago. Please write and let us know you are still here.
Killing and hurting yourself is not the answer. Suicide is a one time thing on earth. I honestly remember a time when I was younger that the only difference between depression and hell was that depression is here on earth and there are people who care around you.

It does end. I spent years thinking and feeling that there was no hope and it was a long process to start healing. I'm still depressed at times and still waiting to see if the medicine dose is right for me.

But back to you, please let us know how things are and that you are still here.

Maybe your husband can understand that the medicine is preventative and not something you take after depression starts. Tell him to remind you, to give them to you, to check your day of the week thing (what do you call those plastic thing with compartments for each dose?). And tell him you can't think clearly when not taking the medicine so he has to do it for you until they work, as long as it takes.

Hey, came back to check on you, please let us know how you are... you have been the only person I have responded to and I want to see you back and typing, chatting. letting us help.

We're here!!!! Praying that you are feeling better or at least experiencing some relief.

I PROMISE YOU, that your life is worth living and we all want you to hang in there.

Big hugs to you!!!
me

not an answer, it's a error of the mind.

When we don't feel there's is hope or a solution for a situation, we feel depressed, them we can feel suicidal inclinations.

But there is ALWAYS hope, and there are MANY thing to life for, Most time our problems aren't as dramatic or critical as we thought.

Sometimes, It takes some time to heal...but it does...HANG IN THERE!!!

NO please don't kill yourself, I can tell you now, even without experience, losing a mother is worse then having a mother who needs tender care. Even if they don't have to walk into a room where you're covered in blood and dead, the funeral, the days where they can't talk to their mother or ask for advice about love?? :'(