I'm scared...

I know my subject line sounds pretty stupid, but that's the first thing that came to mind.

Anyway, I'm scared that I'm gonna start feeling as bad as I did before. For those of you who know nothing about me, just look at some of the other places I've posted, 'cuz I dont' really have much of a story, yet it's hard for me to explain it over and over, and I keep posting over and over.

I know i post in here (here being all of the forums in general) alot, but I feel like I need to again. I thought I was pretty much over getting so depressed, and feeling like dying and stuff, but lately I've been feeling bad again. I keep getting depressed, and I haven't reached feeling suicidal yet (like I did before), but i have been feeling pretty bad at times. It's like I have that apathetic feeling like I did before, and I just feel like I"m going down hill, and I don't want to. It's just like I don't know what I want to feel, and I'm not happy with what I'm feeling. I don't even know why I'm here. I just feel like my life is pointless. It seems like everyone else has something that they enjoy in life, and I know that I do too, but I just keep feeling like nothing matter, and I can't enjoy anything. And I get mad at myself for not enjoying anything, and it makes me really sad when I'm like that, but I just feel so bad. It's like I"m feeling everything, but I'm feeling nothing at all. And yeah, that sounds reallly stupid, but it's hard to explain how I feel right now. I don't feel like talking to people. Sometimes I really jsut hate to be around people at all, and kids at school think that's weird. They call me anti-social (and I'm not anti-social), I'm just shy, and sometimes I just don't like to be around people. It's just who I am. I hate large crowds of people. I'd rather sit off in a corner by myself without anyone noticing me, than to be in the middle of a big crowd of people who are having a blast. But everyone seems to think that there's something wrong with that. Maybe there's nothing wrong with it at all. I guess I can be a little anti-social at times, but I don't think it should even be called that. I'm just not a big people person. I care about other people, and I like talking to people here, but I just don't like being around very many people. I guess that sounds sort of selfish, but I just get nervous around other people, and I dont' feel like being with them. I'm not rude to people, although I do try to avoid them at times, it's just that I like to be left alone. But people at school make fun of me for that. They make fun of me for all sorts of things. It really doesn't bother me though. Sometimes it does, but then again, I don't really care that much what other people think. But I do wish that people understood that sometimes people just want/need to be alone.

But yeah, anyway, I've been getting depressed alot. I jsut don't see the point in living. I'm not suicidal right now, so don't think that, but I just don't feel right. I just feel like my life gets so routined, and I hate the routine, but the moment it changes, I'm still unhappy. I'm just an unhappy person, and I hate myself for that. But I was happy for a short while there, and I just feel like I'm going downhill again. I want to fight it, and I've been trying to, but it's really hard right now. When I start to get a sore throat, I try to talk myself out of it. It sounds silly, but it's just that I dread getting sick so much, that I try to convince myself that I'm not in some crazy hopes that it'll actually make me better. And I guess that's what I'm doing now. But I may not even get that bad, like I was before. But I am scared. I don't want to ever feel like I felt before. I'm just feeling empty again. And I can't cry right now. i dont' even know if I really want to. I don't know at all what I want. I just feel like I dont' care about anything, and I don't like that. I want to care about things, but I just don't right now. I'll probably feel better tomorrow, but as for now, I'm feeling pretty down in the dumps.

I'm a Christian, and it's relaly bothering me 'cuz I feel like I'm losing interest in God, and that's the last hting that I need. I feel like I'm losing interest in everything. But like I said, I'll probably feel better tomorrow.

And if anyone's thinking about suggesting that I talk to a counselor, dont' waist your breath. Seriously, I know that's what I constantly suggest, but everyone knows I don't take my own advice, and talking to a doctor or counselor, right now, just isn't an option for me.

I think I'll probably feel better after some rest. I hope so anyway.

Good night everyone. I hope you all sleep well!!

luv,
element

Just wanted to say that i hope you are feeling a little better. I can relate to how you are feeling, because i have felt the same way. High school (and school in general) was a terrible time for me and i honestly dont know how i got through those years.

I think it is good that you are scared of becoming more depressed, maybe you can use that as motivation to fight. I know for me that my depression comes in waves where one day i will feel ok but then the next day i feel like everything is pointless, and i get into this negative mind frame, and from there i just "snow ball" downward. I can usually tell as soon as i wake up if im gonna have a bad day or not. Nobody wants to get to the point where they start to see suicide as a viable option but unfortunatly that is where my depression usually leads. Luckily i have never went down that road though.

I am in the midst of some severe depression so i dont really know what else to say, because i seem to fighting the same battle and i am losing big time. I am probably not the best person to be giving out advice.

Good luck.

Thank you so much for encouraging words!!

I'm feeling awesome today!! lol I'm also sort of one of those people that has a good day and then a bad one. But it's just that sometimes the good ones start to become awesome, but the bad one's become so horrible that the only thing at all that's appealing to me is suicide and cutting myself/hurting myself in some way or another. Sometimes (as in not too long ago) I would feel awesome for a few hours, and then before I knew what was happening, I wanted to kill myself, and I hate myself, and I just hated life itself.

I'm sorry that you're having a hard time too. Just wondering, do you talk to a doctor or counselor, and if so, what's that like. Oh and how old are you? sorry for questioning you like crazy, lol, but I hope you don't mind.

Thanx!!
~element

I am glad to here you are feeling better. I too am feeling a little better than i did yesterday. See there is always hope!!:D I hate hearing that people are having a hard time because i know how hard depression can be. It almost sounds like you are describing manic depression. Dont know if you have ever gotten a diagnosis, but maybe that is something u could look into.

element wrote:
I'm sorry that you're having a hard time too. Just wondering, do you talk to a doctor or counselor, and if so, what's that like. Oh and how old are you? sorry for questioning you like crazy, lol, but I hope you don't mind.

Thanx!!
~element

I have talked to a therapist/doctor in the past. When i was a teenager i was sort of thrown into therapy after a tramatic event in my life but i really wasnt ready to talk about so it didnt help me much. lol. I also tried conseling when i was about 20(btw im 24 almost 25 to answer your question) and i have to admit that it felt good to get some stuff off my chest. I am the type of person that holds everything inside and definitly doesnt like to talk about my "feelings" lol. For some reason though i just stopped going. I also have the bad habit of quitting things, but i have been thinking about getting back into therapy/meds with the help of my sister and i will let you know how that goes, if i decide too. Anyway.....I am starting to rant so i am just gonna stop now

Best of luck.

Hello.
Unfortunately, I'm feeling sort of bad again, but at least this time I know why, and I don't feel bad enough at all to kill myself!! But I'm sort of depressed 'cuz there's this guy that I've liked for four years, and I saw him tonight (we go to church together), and it just hurt really bad 'cuz he doesn't pay me any attention, and he has a girlfriend, and he's too old for me anyway. lol So I'm a little down about that, but I don't feel like life is worthless or anything like that. I just feel a little bit down.

Yeah, I thought that I might have manic depression, and one person here said that they'd be surprized if I didn't have it, and one person said that they seriously doubted that i do. lol Who knows!!! But I haven't been diagnosed with anything, because I won't go to a doctor, 'cuz I'm too uncomfortable with the idea of asking my parents to take me. I tried once, but it didn't work out.


I also HATE talking about my feelings!! Now, on the internet, that's a different story!! lol I can open up here, but I hate talking to my family or friends about it. I really hate it!!! It embarrasses me and makes me feel sick.

Ranting is fine, so is venting. lol I do it all of the time. One more random question, lol, are you a guy or a girl? I just like to know all of that junk. lol It just gives me a better idea of who I'm talking to.

Thanks for noticing my post and talking to me. Much appreciated!!!

Best of luck to you to. And I may be posting on here some more soon, 'cuz I feel like the next week could be a roller coaster!!. lol

~element

Sorry to hear about the situation with the guy. I have been in similiar situations where i like someone but know that nothing can come of it cuz they either not interested in me or are with someone already. I think everyone can relate to that and it does suck.

element wrote:Ranting is fine, so is venting. lol I do it all of the time. One more random question, lol, are you a guy or a girl? I just like to know all of that junk. lol It just gives me a better idea of who I'm talking to.

Im a guy.

Hi,
I thought you were a guy, lol. I'm usually rpetty good at guessing things like that.

WEll, I don't have much time, so i guess I'lll post more later.

good luck

patm3300 wrote:good luck

Aw, thanx!!

Well, today, i was in an extrodinarily awesome mood!!!! It was absolutely WONDERFUL!!!!! I felt a little unhappy during second block but that was like the only thing until fourth block when a minor little thing happened. But other than that, I had the GREATEST day!!!! First block: normal.
Second block (weight-lifting): A few people were being their usual mean selves, and someone knocked my hoodie off onto the dirty floor. And I don't even know who it was. Usually it wouldn't upset me that much, but I almost felt like crying, because I'm sick of the way those girls are treating me. The guys are pretty nice, and just mind their own business, but some of the girls are REALLY mean!!
Third block (history): AWESOMENESS!!! lol We had several groups, and each group got a form of government, which we had to act out. Our group of four chose alagarchy. It was THE BEST SKIT EV-ER!!! And I love acting!! This girl shot me (no really of course, but just pretended to ) and I really enjoyed acting out the falling and all, and I had a "fight" with her. It was so fun. We were trying hard not to laugh. It was GRAND!!!! I want to perform it again!!!
IN between 3rd and 4th: I'm walking in the hallway, and this guy who usually tries to bug me, pushed on my backpack (which was on my back), and I turned around and I looked at him like "please, don't do this right now", and he said "I just want to give you a cookie!!" So he gave me a lemon cookie, and they made me feel good too. He can be really sweet at times, and then at others he's annoying.
Fourth block (spanish): We had an open notes test, and for some reason it overwhelmed me really bad. It wasn't even a hard test at all, but I got overwhelmed, and I felt like I couldn't work, and I almost cried, and then I through my head back and hit the file cabinet (on purpose), and this guy laughed at me because he said the test was easy. And he's right, but I just got really overwhelmed, and I didn't feel like I could even take it. I used to get like that A LOT when I was homeschooled!!! It's the weirdest feeling though. I get mad and frustrated, and I want to cry, and there's not even a good reason for it.

But other than that, my day has been so great!! I went to the store and bought some candy to give to my friends and I bought some eye shadow. SO that was fun. I'm just feeling really nice today!!!

My point in all of this: maybe (hopefully) I'm not going downhill again!!

~element

Hi everyone,

um...yeah....so I was saying that maybe things weren't going downhill after all. I'm not so sure abouit that. I've been feeling really depressed off and on today, and yesterday some too. I don't even know why. I've just been feeling really sad. I felt like crying a few times at school, but thankfully it didn't happen.

well, I'm not on Christmas break. So that's good, but I don't feel very excited. I'll probably feel more excited tomorrow because tomorrow will be the day before my birthday.

I'm worried about my friend. He's always doing thigns to bug me (on purpose), but I'm really worried about him right now. His mom is really sick, and they don't think she's gonna make it past Christmas. I just can't quit thinking about him. And I dont' have any way of talking to him during christmas break. I hope he's gonna be okay. He's been having arelaly hard time lately. he's still been his silly self, but you can tell that the poor guy's hurting right now. I asked him about his mom the other day, and he looked me straight in the eyes, and told me about the doctors saying that she probably won't make it past Christmas. There were no tears or anything, but I could definately see the pain in his eyes. He was about to make me cry just from the way he looked at me. He looked at me like he was just waiting to see what I was going to say. He looked at me like he needed someone to give him soem kind of comfort, but I didn't really know what to do. Unfortunately, a tmy school, you can't even give someone a hug in a situation like that. NO hugs, no displays of emotion, basically. I really wanted to hug him though 'cuz it just made me feel bad. SO yeah, It hink that's at least contributing to my feeling down lately, but it seems like it's something else too. I just can't figure it out.

WEll, I guess that's all I have to say right now.

cya,

~element