Always sad and miserable. Please help.

Hi. Ill try and make this short. I'm a 23 year old male, work 5 days a week 9-5 for my father. Between the ages of lets say 15 and 21 life was awesome. I had everything I wanted, not necessarily material things but a ton of friends that cared about me a girlfriend that cared about me.

I started to hang out with the wrong crowd and started to abuse prescription painkillers. That changed my whole attitude. I would drink and pop pills verbally abuse my girlfriend that I went out with for 4 years (I would never hit a woman, and now would never talk to one like that) My life was to get high everyday. The crowd I was hanging out with at the time eventually all dispersed, you know got arrested or started doing harder drugs. My group of friends started getting smaller and smaller. As that happened my girlfriend couldn't take me anymore and broke up with me clear out of the blue. I started eating more pills and isolating myself from anyone that was left that wanted to hang out with me. Good people that I used to hang out with before drugs that didn't do drugs, people who did drugs. Anyone.

So now theres no friends left and its just me. So I got tired of my $1000 a week habit and I eventually went to rehab for the roxy's and I've been clean off them for a year now. I do smoke pot everyday after work and maybe once every two to three weeks Ill go out and drink until I throw up. I though life after the pills would be better and for about 5 months I didn't smoke or drink. But Im still miserable. My ex-girlfriend told me that the crowd I was with was worrying her and I should have listened and stopped hanging out because at least I would have her. I'm always alone, at work its me, my father, and 3 60 year old guys that I have nothing in common with except what we do for a living. I have no opportunities to meet people my age anywhere. I expect things to change but nothing will when I work and go home. Even when I go out now I usually go by myself.

Its been like this for 2 years now but a year clean off pills but nothing changed. Im miserable pills or no pills tons of cash or no money at all. I don't look forward to anything because I have nothing to look forward to.I thought if I stopped popping pills my life would turn around and life would be awesome. Its not. I ######6 think about hanging myself everyday. Its sick. I know I don't have the balls to do it but I do think about it. I'm going to see a therapist on Monday that I saw in the past but I feel like I do all the talking when Im there and for $150 an hour that I pay out of pocket its not worth it. I know I have self esteem issues I need to work on I always care what other people think even when crossing the street people in their cars looking at me probably saying look at this scrawny little kid. I put on a #######4 smile and act like everything is all good but it really isn't and I need help before I grow balls.

JJ,

I'm sorry that you feel as you do about your life. It sounds like you just feel so trapped in your misery and have no idea how to get freed or belief that it will ever happen.
I really have no real advice for you because what you wrote resonates so deeply with me. I just wanted you to know that I had read what you were saying and I totally get it. From someone who is there with you my man.

hey,

Well let me try and take the positives out of this. At least you're still young and you f***ed up while you were young! now you have an entire life ahead of you to change. I'm 22 and I know how you feel...but I find that people our age want things so quickly, but you have to take your time.

Can you go to college? or go to the library to meet people, or the gym, or join a football or soccer league or something or become a big brother to help younger kids.

I know how you feel though and it really sucks being depressed so young, if you ever want to talk let me know.