Mothers......... What do i do? I'm on the edge and desperate

my mum never ever knew the full extent of my depression and its been going on for bout 7 years. i only seeked any help about a year ago coz i was on the edge and i wouldnt be here now if i did but i have been on anti depressants for a year or so now and this morning my mum had the cheek to tell me i dont need them. It really annoyed me coz he hasnt got a ######6 clue about how i feel and recently have been having fears of BPD and how would i turn round to her and say hey mum i have been on anti depressants for bout a year now and guess what, i still want to ######6 die. but you never knew that did you.

i mean i told her i was raped, the next day we never spoke of it again.
she found me cutting myself so ######6 many times and we never spoke of it, it was like she didnt give a $#%^.
now she is trying to tell me how im feeling when she hasnt got the first clue.

i remember one time on like my 7th birthday or something i was really sad coz it was my birthday and everyone was being horrible and shouting at me and it was like it wasnt my birthday and i locked myself in my room and i wrote the happy birthday song to myself because no one else was going to sing it too me and it only just dawned on me last week how much that hurt,

how do i go about telling her anything the woman is cold she has no feelings and when my dad found out i was depressed he said why? you have no reason to be you have a good life. ok so im not on the streets or anything but my parents never showed me any affection

i have never been confident and i find it difficult to be affectionate to others and dont know how to react when others do it to me.
i mean past relationships have been used for sex so being with someone who really cares about me and not the sex is strange i dont know how to react to people showing me they care as no one ever has what am i supposed to do?

The worst thing is my mum has my prescription for my anti depressants and she wont go and get them, i dont know where it is and im getting suicidal andd i cant cope with it all not again im sooooo desperate i cant explain.

yes i am sure that i have felt the same way many times before. you could always call up a hospital if you are about to kill yourself they would make everything right.

i feel like that post was so misunderstood

I'm sorry this is going on and that your parents are so blind as to what is happening to you. I don't know them...I couldn't judge if they are just cold and uncaring....more so I would guess that they love you so much that it hurts them to no end to know you suffer this way....maybe your mother is trying to pretend w/ everything in her ....well that maybe if she doesn't "give in" to this going on w/ you that everything will just be fine...maybe she simply has no understanding on what to do?....maybe she's so scared she hopes in pretending all is fine...all really will be?

I'm honestly not sure. But I encourage you to talk to a school guidance counselor...I encourage you to share this exact thing w/ them....don't stop asking for help just because the first person you ask is unsure of how to help or refuses too....someone will answer your call.....there are hotlines you can call as your starting point....talk w/ a teacher...a school guidance counselor. But don't give up on yourself just because your parents are not helping you.

Feel free to continue to share here...there are many that can relate and can offer you support.

Thank you, why will she not let me take my medication? she is just so uncaring it doesnt make any sense how she could care you know?

i have a counseller but don't like to share everything with her surely the point of a counseller is someone you can trust, its been over a year and i still don't trust her.......

Well....I too am confused by your mother's actions! So let me understand correctly!....she takes you to your appts. on a scheduled basis and has been doing so for the last year....but at the same time she does not allow you to fill your meds? Have you asked her for a reason? Make sure your counselor knows this.

Does your mom have insurance for you? Does she have insurance for the meds? I know a med I was on....I had to finally give up and go off of it...and the ONLY reason I no longer take the med is that it cost me $289 each month to fill it. I simply can't afford that. Yes. I have insurance. But I have to first come up w/ the money out of pocket and then wait for my insurance to reimburse me my difference and that takes about two weeks. I can't even justify the $65 a month it costs me after insurance. Well...and at the start of each year I have to first pay $450 deductable before my insurance covers anything! .....so..........maybe it's more of a finance issue for your mom ....or maybe she feels you'll benefit from talking to someone but the idea of giving you meds scares her? Side effects from mental health medication can be scary when things go wrong....so maybe she's worried about what could happen to you that wouldn't be a benefit to you....I can only make guesses of course .

Do you feel like sharing why you don't trust your counselor? She can't fully help you unless she knows your whole story. Her help is only as good as you are to her. She needs the full story to work w/. I really encourage you to share w/ her what you've shared here. Maybe she can help shed some light or at some point where you feel comfortable....get your parents more involved. Have you had sessions w/ your counselor where your mom or dad..or both...are a part of the session? That might be beneficial. You can talk to your parents and ask questions and have the guide of your counselor there. If conflicts starts to rise....your counselor can help stop that right away and keep all 3 of you on track...she can help fill in for the confusion as you talk w/ each other and she can help wade through the emotions, etc. for each of you. That might help break through w/ your mom. I wonder if she knows that you feel as yuo do and if she did...how she would view her parenting!

this is from Angel but the damm site is kicking me out again despite my having signed in!...sorry...happens to me often and ONLY on this site!! URRR!!

ok, i only read the first post, and then a reply, anyway, here's what i think

i think that your mom is embarassed, and doesn't wnat to admitt that anythings wrong, you say they haven't shown you much affection, maybe you are following in their footsteps by only havening sexual relationships, it's ok though, we all fall into it, i am right now, but it's kinda fun, anyway, word to the suicidal thoughts, thats why i'm goign back on my meds, yay! well, i hope that might help, sigh, i would have more to say, but i'm better at that in person, just keep writeing, i'll be here

HI Ali,
I was sort of thinking what angel was thinking, but I don't know. Maybe she's scared, or maybe she for some crazy reason thinks that "it's all in your head". Not as in you have depression, but as you just THINK you do, and maybe she thinks that if she takes your meds away you'll "get over it". Which that whole idea would be rediculous, but that doesn't mean she doesn't believe it. Or maybe she just can't deal with it. My mom was sort of like that when I told her about getting so depressed that I thought about suicide. She wouldn't really talk about very much unless I brought it up, which was as hard as heck to do. And she kept saying things to try to smooth over the moment. It just bothered her, so she pretended like it was no big deal. She acted like it was normal for me to think about killing myself as long as I didn't really do it. But how did she know that I wouldn't really do it 'cuz there were some days when I dont' know how I didn't do it!!! She never took me to the doctor or anything though. I'm pretty much okay now though. But yeah, I think my mom was just scared and bothered by it, so she just tryed to convince both me, my dad, and herself that it was no big deal. She did act funny around me though, which made me incredibly uncomfortable!! But maybe that's what your mom's problem is.

I think you should talk to her about it though. Tell her that you're miserable, and you're scared that you might hurt yourself. Tell her that you need the medicine, and if she doesn't give it to you, bring someone else into it.

I wish you the best with this!!

~element

good news i told my counseller bout my meds and she said even if i was ready to come off i need to been weened off or i will crash, so i told my mum. she put my prescription in today. yay.
but i dont know why i dont trust my counseller im just not very trusting at all. i just dont think she takes me seriously and i dont feel she always fully listens and i just dont trust her sometimes she can just be so patronising.