Agressive Violent Moodswings

When I am very low I blame my father for the way I am. My low mood usually results from my father being aggressive/negative towards me.

I have fantacised about killing him while I was very low. I attaked him once with the intention of gouging his eyes out with my thumbs. He overpowered me and pinned my arms to my sides.

It frightens me that I feel this way. The last thing I want is to talk to people. My father is a sick man and my attemped suicide 2 years ago was very hard for him and the rest of my family. I am affraid of the concequences of talking to someone.

It is a daily occurance for my father to be aggressive/negative towards me, he has never hurt me physicaly. I am finding it harder to control my moods recently, and I often think immediately after/while he is shouting at me that I want to kill him. That if I kill him I will be free.

Very soon afterwards I regret my thoughts deeply. But as I attached him befoure I feel it could happen again, and I know that if I happened to have a knife in my hand I would kill him.

Have you considered or sought counseling? You do need to work through this and a professional can help you do that.

Killing your father is not going to release you from your emotions. You won't be free. He'll be gone physically, but you still won't be free. He's already done damage to you and you focus on that often. Removing him from your life can prevent future episodes w/ your father.....but realize you don't have to kill him to do that. And do you really want to spend time in jail for a man you hate so much? Do you truly want to escapre him and how you feel? Killing him doesn't release you from anything, it just adds to what you will now have to bear. You can move away. You can choose to cut ties w/ your father and have no more relationship or contact w/ him. However I would then still encourage you to go to counseling so that you can be helped to deal w/ what has already be done and learn how to process it for yourself, come to acceptance w/ it...possibly even forgiveness....but moreso...learn to let go of the anger and power you are giving to those emotions over you.

If you are a minor.....you still have options. If you talk w/ someone....there are options in having you placed in foster care. But it's only one of many steps you should take.

I am not a minor. Part of my relationship with my parents is that they are controling. I make very fiew decisions for myself, what decisions I do make I make keeping in mind that I don't want to anger my father.

I consider myself a week person, I am currently unemployed and I'm finding it harder every week to go about contacting businesses looking for work. I become nervous, sweat and feel sick when I need to phone/contact someone I don't know.

I can't see how I'm going to find work in order to support me moving out. Or how I will cope with making myown decisions if I did.

Angel wrote:Have you considered or sought counseling? You do need to work through this and a professional can help you do that.

About a year and a half ago I was referd by my doctor to the mental health and wellbeing organisation where I recieved councelling for about 4 months but we did not cover my relationship with my father. We mostly talked about my future and my sadistic long distannce relationships with older men.

Angel wrote:Killing your father is not going to release you from your emotions. And do you really want to spend time in jail for a man you hate so much?

I realise it will not release me now, but when he's shouting about everything thats wrong with me, and telling me that if I can't take this from him then I'll never be able to make it in the 'real world' it's all I can think about to grab the nearest thing and bash in his skull.

Angel wrote:But it's only one of many steps you should take.

What other steps could I take?

I agree that killing your father will not solve anything and will indeed make your life much worse.

I felt sort of how you feel for a long time about my parents and other adults. I blamed my parents, my teachers, and my town for my many problems including depression, bipolar, alcoholism, and being fat. I was not able to move on with my life, until I stopped blaming others. Now, I may have been 100% correct in believing that they caused my problems. The problem is that finding someone to blame does not fix anything. Not too many people have perfect parents, perfect teachers, and perfect towns. The adults around me did not have much to work with. They were tied up with their own demons. The only way for me to move on with my life was to just accept them as they were. Just about everyone starts life with a burden of problems caused by their less than perfect parents and teachers. At some point we have to move on.
I know this is not easy. We all like to get some revenge, and we all want a life that is not too hard. Some of us find help in churches, or through professional counseling, others go to self-help groups. But at the core, I believe, is letting go of the past and building our own life.

Good Luck,
Jim S

seek professional counseling

have you ever heard of the phrase: " I know why the caged bird sings" well, thats kinda my motto in life, i read the book, but it wasn't much for the title, well, let me tell you a little bit about myself.

i was born into a family where my mom had been psychially abused since wedded, and, from birth, i have been metally and emotionally abused by my "father". but you know what? we aren't dumbasses, or ######6 ###$, they are, for saying that, we are victims, and yes though we have been hurt, it is up to us to get better, and we can:) i go to therapy, and am working on moving out of my house:) i am 19, and i have dealt with him my entire life, and i used to smack myself in my head, becasue it was my "fault" well you know what? one day i said, it's not my ######6 fault, who ######6 cares what he says? he's not right!

and you knwo what? i actually fell a little bit sorry for him, because the reason why he is this way to me is because he was abused his entire life, and then never sought counseling, but you know what? we cna be better, we cna fix this little rut that our bloodlines seem to be in, we can make a differance for oursleves, we are not stupid.

reply and ask me anything you'd like, i'm always here, i'm usually on every night, at least once, so lets talk:)

p.s. my sister, though somhow much smarter, was abuse emotionally just the same, but you know what? she went on to graduate 2nd in her class, out of about 350, went to vanderbilt university in nashville, where i think it costs about 60,000 a year to go to, she got on a 5,000 a semester scholarship, graduated with 3 majors, and is now in grad shcool, and has a job teaching at the university she is at currently, and has been to at least 4 continents, and 6 or more countries, so you know what? somone can do it? and ###$ our dads!