When I am very low I blame my father for the way I am. My low mood usually results from my father being aggressive/negative towards me.
I have fantacised about killing him while I was very low. I attaked him once with the intention of gouging his eyes out with my thumbs. He overpowered me and pinned my arms to my sides.
It frightens me that I feel this way. The last thing I want is to talk to people. My father is a sick man and my attemped suicide 2 years ago was very hard for him and the rest of my family. I am affraid of the concequences of talking to someone.
It is a daily occurance for my father to be aggressive/negative towards me, he has never hurt me physicaly. I am finding it harder to control my moods recently, and I often think immediately after/while he is shouting at me that I want to kill him. That if I kill him I will be free.
Very soon afterwards I regret my thoughts deeply. But as I attached him befoure I feel it could happen again, and I know that if I happened to have a knife in my hand I would kill him.